truthfully, i’m undoubtedly happier than i’ve ever been…which makes my next admission seem a bit ridiculous. in light of my ‘happier than ever before’ feelings, (there might a boy involved..a dream of a boy, in fact – one that I had hoped existed, and am beyond grateful to discover truly does), there also exists a slight melancholy. it’s dim, it doesn’t take away from the magic of what I’m feeling right now (which is so sickeningly sweet…)
it seems so silly: wanting more when i already have exactly what i want. and have wanted. which leads to (inevitable) feelings of guilt. i am so fortunate. in SO many ways…and still, this one thing – bigger than words – is always missing.
i accepted my new normal years ago and love my life and i do my best to live it for what it is. and it’s pretty amazing.
…and yet there are still moments when i break down crying (or want to), and there are times when i want to scream about how unfair it all is.
being used to something doesn’t mean it’s always easy. and those who love me understand these moments may forever be a part of who i am.
most of the time i just miss him. i don’t feel sad or unhappy, i just feel a void. i picked up a postcard on my last international adventure and said “i’ll send this one to my dad.” the thought was out of my mouth before i was able to process and subsequently, stop it.
i sheepishly set the postcard down…
my dad is still the first person i want to call when i gaze at the moon or see a sky full of stars. he’s the one i want to talk to when i meet someone i can imagine spending my life with… my dad is the person i want to complain to when my brother and i bicker (his fault, naturally).
suffice to say, he is missed.
now, my dad wasn’t a perfect man.
he was awful at giving straight answers.
he applied the laws of psychics to practically everything.
i am pretty sure there are places where his photo is up…and not in an honorary/good way, but because if he walks in, someone is supposed to alert security immediately.
no, he wasn’t perfect. he raised his voice from time to time (never at me); he got annoyed when i played with glitter (because it ended up everywhere); he didn’t get me a barbie dream house (the largest tragedy of my childhood existence). there was advice he gave that i probably didn’t need, and other advice that i wish he had shared…
so, he wasn’t a perfect man. so what?
for me, he was the perfect dad, and there’s nothing i wish he’d done any differently expect perhaps linger a little longer on this side.
i remember him imperfectly and completely.
…because it gives me hope. maybe someday someone will remember me the same way i remember my dad?
perfect in his imperfections.
as my third year without baba rolls around, i realize i will probably always miss him.
and even more around the holidays…
i’m learning that grief is ongoing. i may never stop grieving over the loss of my pop-sicle because i continue to love him. acknowledging that is somehow validating. and i’m accepting that there will still be moments amidst the happiest times in my world when the memories and the tears come.
grief knows no depth. as an emotion, it is perfect ~ if you’re bold enough to describe perfection in this light – i am. to some that may sound morbid. or even, depressing. but those of us that know this “perfect sorrow” understand.
you are perfectly, exquisitely sad when you grieve over the loss of someone close to you.
grief, sorrow and sadness are like any other emotion; you feel it, you let it move through you, then it moves on and out of you.
the burden of feeling a certain way, because it’s more comfortable for others, is just too enormous for me. so i let myself feel whatever it is i’m experiencing without any resistance.
the good news is: allowing yourself this freedom to feel without resistance, allows you to feel the profound joy that is the other side of grief. that’s just how the equation works. the memories of joy and grief go hand in hand.
…that silver lining, it’s always there.
and maybe you didn’t get the barbie dream house because you’re lucky enough to live the dream in real life…