best thing i’ve ever seen.
totally worth the time investment.
18 Novi choose you.
31 Juli want crazy.
i’ve had this song on perma-peat since discovering it.
it’s nice to know what i want.
and i don’t want easy.
i want crazy.
I don’t want “good” and I don’t want “good enough”
I want “can’t sleep, can’t breathe without you” love
…even if i’m not quite ready.
31 Julstorybook love.
once upon a time, i met a boy. he seemed perfect. attractive, attentive, romantic…i thought he was exactly what i needed. looking back now, i realize i may not have been completely over the one before him. i wanted to be. so, our whirlwind courtship was welcomed with open arms. he said everything i wanted to hear… (here are some snippets)
I truly think we will define “power couple” BTW.
If I’m being honest, my four letter “L” word is quickly morphing into something other than “like”. I’m resistant but it’s (you are) truly overpowering. I don’t know how much longer I can hold back.
Is that even normal after what… A week-ish?!
We have always been on the same page. It’s a page I never want to turn, even as we turn the pages of our life. You are the first woman with whom I’ve been so eager to see, do, know, touch, taste, & hear everything with for the rest of my days.
I know that’s a whole lot but it is what it is & I’m not ashamed.
For me it was the flash snapshot of you, looking at me, in a wedding dress. While that’s never happened to me EVER before, my mind said I should be freaked out, but all I wanted was to see it on real life. Strapless, hair up, natural makeup, medium length train… Everything & everyone else was a blur. I think it was a premonition, a sign.
This is getting way too long so I’ll stop for now. I’ll have the rest of my life to tell you how wonderful you are
It’s what true “L” is supposed to be. Took me 32.25 years to find it & I’m not looking backwards or forwards, just into your eyes.
I hate that you are thinking exactly what I’m thinking at the exact same moment. I won’t say “it” via text but I’m very confident & certain you’re the one. I’m excited, exhilarated, passionate, challenged, motivated… All by looking in your eyes, touching your skin, reading to you… Never leave me, “L” me forever & I promise to do the same.
All this in such a short time. I feel like we’re an old movie script. We’ve talked about kids names, I can almost see their faces (wild to realize); how about Taylor (F) & Roman (M) to start?
so, yeah…i swooned. i wanted it to be real.
when he met one of my besties and her husband for the first time, he went on and on about how the way he feels about me should redefine love in the dictionary. and about how we are meant to be together. and about our kids. and on and on…until my bestie said ‘this is the most forward thinking conversation i’ve ever been a part of.’
which made me think…but only for a second – because he was seriously dreamy. and i was ready to dive in.
which made me ignore red flags. (seriously hindsight, you’re SUCH a bitch)
and to be fair (to myself), he did a really good job of hiding some serious issues. and i did an even better job of pretending they weren’t that big of a deal.
there were times when i’d ask him what made him happy and what he liked…and he couldn’t answer. he didn’t know. he hadn’t ever cultivated an identity of his own. so, i encouraged him to discover who he was.
i thought if he didn’t know who he was, he couldn’t know what he wanted for the future. and that scared me. i wanted to be with someone who KNEW what they wanted…not just said what they thought they were supposed to.
on that same vein, i suggested we stop focusing on these future landmarks and just enjoy our present time together. he always agreed. and then we’d revert back to future planning within days.
when we first started dating, i told him about how i loved my alone time. time to write, reflect, and just be. he said he was fine with it. the first time i took a night to myself to write he showed up at my door. unexpectedly. it took me a minute to get to the door and by the time i did, he was gone. and i had an irate message on my voicemail. the next time i went to his home he showed me a dent in the freezer. he punched it that night thinking i was with someone else.
i stopped writing.
i have a group of close besties who mean the world to me. and i don’t see them as often as i wish… so, when we would spend time with them he would end up feeling neglected. and acting out. like a child. i’m talking temper tantrums, drinking himself into oblivion, and one time actually striking me (he claimed it was an accident…and i believed him).
there were friends that i never wanted to introduce him to – because i knew they’d see through him. and it wasn’t a reality i was ready to accept.
looking back now, it seems ridiculous that i stuck around. it doesn’t sound like something i would put up with…but i did. we’d have an issue, i’d start wondering if we should be together. he’d say all the right things. i’d carry on with him… i thought we were working through problems really well.
until i realized that they were the same issues that kept coming up. we weren’t working through anything, he was just playing the part that he was trained to play. reciting his lines. and in the beginning, it was enough for me.
when he first suggested moving in together, i was against it. i didn’t want to move in with anyone until i was engaged. so, we looked at rings. and he asked for my dad’s permission to marry me. just a couple weeks before i lost my dad, i gained a new roommate.
i’m glad he was there in that time. i was a shell of a person. my dad was my world. i still have trouble describing the pain in losing him…when we were in public, my boyfriend was perfect. he was affectionate. and attentive. and charming.
at home, he didn’t have any idea how to talk to me about how i was feeling. i told him i understood. and that i wouldn’t know what to do either. and i’d love if he could just hug me.
he started drinking every night. something i think he was doing before we moved in together…but it was easier to hide.
i asked him about it.
he became defensive.
we started growing apart.
i felt it. i knew it was happening.
i blamed myself.
he felt pressure to live up to my dad’s memory.
i just wanted a partner.
i tried to talk to him about it…
he became defensive.
in his world, acknowledging problems was not allowed. admitting our relationship wasn’t perfect was not okay with him.
i told him fights would happen…and we would need to work through them if we wanted to get to the other side.
he didn’t agree. he said relationships should just flow. there should be no discord.
i loved his idealism.
but i knew better.
relationships are where your issues arise..and where you have to face them. being alone is easy.
he wanted easy.
i went to visit my best friend on the east coast. she has two gorgeous kids. and a husband. during my time out there i realized more strongly than ever how much i wanted a family. my priorities had shifted after losing my dad, but being in the thick of it – i knew i wanted it. and sooner than later. i loved the temper tantrums, the negotiating, the reliving of my childhood through her kids.
when i got back to town, he noticed a change in me. i told him where i was at. the absolute terror on his face told me everything i needed to know… we were broken up within weeks.
after the split, i discovered that he had fidelity issues. (remember my mention of him wanting easy? he got it! she was the epitome of easy.) my friends focus on this as the reason for our break up. it was certainly an underlying factor, but the split was inevitable.
we want different things.
i had a hard time accepting that my storybook ending wasn’t going to come true. that my fantasy was just that: something made up.
it’s an exact replica of a figment of my imagination. looking back, there’s the terrible weight of memory, but also a love story.
this past year has been the ultimate lesson for a control freak. or series of lessons…
i. just. don’t. learn.
i had a tough time admitting that the last couple weeks i’ve shut myself off from people i love… independence as a defense mechanism. it’s an old game for me. one i thought i gave up years ago…
old patterns in new times is a strange place to be. especially when i learned long ago that shutting myself off doesn’t serve me. totally serves my ego. disconnecting from the world. pushing people away before i get pushed. it’s so cliched. and i will admit, i’m disappointed in me.
hearing someone close to me point out my recent intimacy and trust issues was difficult, but eye-opening…
somewhere on my path, i stopped feeling like the world is a safe place…and stopped trusting myself. it’s a bizarre turn of events. and difficult to let go of controlling outcomes…but i am trying. and sometimes succeeding.
i am learning to be okay with relying on other people. and asking for a hug when i need one.
there’s no shame in the truth:
for now, I’m a little broken. and a little better for admitting it.
09 Julwhere the heart is…
i’ve never been the type of person who makes decisions based on fear. so, in true shirin fashion – i’m following my heart and trusting that everything is just as it should be.
and for my baba, who i’m certain has a hand in all the magical & wonderful things that exist in my world right now:
در گذشته ای بسیار دور خداوند در زمین ماسه ای به دور محلی که تو اکنون ایستاده ای دایره ای کشید.
i couldn’t agree more.
(oh? you want a translation? “Long ago, God drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now. You were never not coming here. This was never not going to happen. Once you have faith, place trust. one day you will see the purpose of this moment.”)
everything happens just as it should.
my first father’s day without baba isn’t sad. it’s somehow uplifting. and full of possibility. and light. and hope. (and fyi, those are pine cones and pine leaves instead of flowers for baba – WAY more masculine)
it was an interesting week. i found myself in the emergency room, alone. and reached for my phone over and over again to call my dad. he was always my ‘go-to,’ my hero, my savior, my mentor…my dad, my baba. living without his physical presence has been an interesting ride. one that’s made me stronger. and somehow softer too.
my heart swelled today when someone i don’t know very well (but i’d like to ) called to check on me and make sure i was doing okay. it’s little things that show a person’s character. and i’m thankful for all the characters in my life.
i’m fortunate that for 31.5 years i had the best baba i could’ve ever dreamt up (that’s saying A LOT, i have quite the imagination). and while my heart aches when i think about him not being able to walk me down the aisle when i get married or my children not getting to meet the man who made me into the person i am today – i am utterly grateful for the time i got to spend with him. baba’s death is a blow that i am still recovering from almost a year later. while visiting my dad at his final resting place today, i shed some (read: many) tears…and it was cleansing. coming up on a year of living without him is surreal.
it’s funny how it takes absence to focus the lens of eternity on a life. i can tell you that with every passing day that hindsight becomes clearer; the guy offering me the delicious tomatoes from his greenhouse as he toiled in the backyard and the man that made me cry by gushing over how proud he was of me at the most inopportune moments will always hold the most precious of places in my heart.
through this heartbreaking year, there were times when i felt so alone…i took to journaling how i felt to be able to process my emotions and thoughts. while my pain and feelings flowed onto the page, i found my words directed from my journal to my father. i was basically giving him an update on what was happening. letters to my dad.
my heart felt better after that. in some unexplainable way, i felt his presence. i think those moments taught me that while he isn’t physically on earth to help me deal with life’s ups and downs, his spirit is still here, watching over me.
it is thought that when we lose someone to death, we lose that person forever. but i’ve opened my mind to keep cultivating the relationship, even after death, because the people we love and who hold our hearts will always be with us.
if my dad taught me anything, it was: love is everything. it is such a powerful emotion. love doesn’t die when someone does; and vice-versa, our love for them doesn’t end just because they aren’t there physically. death ends a life, not a relationship.
my brother and i also grow closer, while also teaching each other about strength, family bonds and healing…sometimes, my brother and i remark, “i wish daddy got to see this.” we talk about how our dad would have been so happy to be with us on certain days. but we also knew that he IS happy and he IS there on those days… it’s something i feel now more than ever. by recognizing he is still with us no matter what, we learn to honor him. we honor his memory by living the happy lives we know he would have wanted for us. by keeping him in mind (and always in heart), i feel like he is looking out for us everyday.
even though i can’t feel him squeeze me as i walk through his front door, i feel him in my heart. and the truth is, proximity doesn’t indicate closeness.
happy dad’s day, baba.
i know you’re with me forever.
22 Aprlesser of two evils?
he bounced back from two major surgeries only to watch it come back. and ultimately, take over his body.
he died on a wednesday morning in a big bed less than an hour after i said my final goodbye to him. my brother was at his side.
i hear people discuss which is preferred: to lose a loved one unexpectedly, in a suddenly your life is very different moment…not giving you a chance to say goodbye. or i’m sorry. or i’ll be seeing you…
or is it less painful to watch your loved one slowly fade from this life to the next, often in pain, sometimes great pain, breaking your heart over and over? yes, it’s painful…but it’s a chance to say goodbye.
i’ve had that debate myself and i never come to any conclusive decision…what’s easier? which hurts less? i finally came to the conclusion that i had a little bit of both. i knew my dad had cancer for 3 years…and for 3 years, we managed it. he lived with it. we changed his diet. we changed his lifestyle. we bickered. we took a cruise. we debated. we had dance parties. we learned together. most of all, we loved.
3 years of fighting…and a miraculous recovery from a terribly invasive surgery only to find that 6 months later the cancer was back and stronger than ever before. the doctors all said the cancer was going to take his life. they suggested hospice. we thought they were wrong.
didn’t they know how strong my dad was?
didn’t they know how long we’d been fighting this battle already?
didn’t they know about how he was a miracle and nothing could beat him?
his decline was rapid (something that is bittersweet). within a couple months of this news, he was gone.
i can’t pretend i didn’t feel the balance of the universe shift as i watched my brother help change my dad’s diaper. or from helping lift him out of bed in his final days.
i could see him fading, but after 3 years i was still holding on to a modicum of hope that he would miraculously recover. leading up to the moment he took his last breath. even though we knew it was coming, it felt like he’d been taken in an instant, a tragedy unforeseen, unpredicted. and certainly, i was unprepared.
lesser of two evils? i can’t speak on that because i don’t believe there’s a good way to lose someone you love.
i do believe the time together changed us for the better. it made us more aware of each moment we have with the people in our lives.
my dad always saw the possibilities in every challenge. he was (overly) optimistic and valued love over all else. i see these traits in myself.
in the end, when cancer stripped my baba of his health, these ideals were something it could not take, something so strong that they outlived even him.