Posted on by shirindawna

race to the altar.

i was thinking today…about past relationships. and the whole contest thing. you know what i’m talking about: the ‘i’m so much happier without you and i’m in love and he’s so much better than you’ thing. it’s a contest. sure, we don’t admit it. or really talk about it…but it is. and if your ex-boyfriend gets married before you, then you lose. (yeah yeah, put aside all that marrying the right person crap. blah blah. i KNOW! clearly, i know. still single, remember?!) anyway, even less talked about is the whole race among girl friends. of course we all want our best pals to be happy. and blissfully so. but i won’t lie and say i didn’t relate to kim kardashian’s (self-indulgent) temper tantrum as her younger sister lived out her wedding dream. (albeit, khloe married a laker not a saint. tomato. tomatoh.)

wrong timing. wrong guy. wrong state. wrong ring. wrong, wrong, wrong. i know (without a doubt) that i’d rather be single than with the wrong guy. the fact is, i don’t believe in divorce and i’d rather spend eternity alone than with someone i’m not completely crazy about. but sometimes (read: very recently since turning 29), i wonder…why not me? why hasn’t it happened for me yet?

and then, i remember: i’m exactly where i’m supposed to be. sharing my thoughts in a very public diary and thus ensuring that it’ll be a long long time before it’s my time. and i’m okay with that. most of the time.

Posted on by shirindawna · 1 Comment

dylan vs brandon?

shirin circa 1991 was team brandon. completely.

jason priestley: my first celebrity crush (i’m choosing to ignore my actual first crush. jordan from nkotb. it was a crush-fling really. super intense. super short. super embarrassing)

anyway, back to brandon. i had pillowcases. i had a heart shaped locket with his face on it. i got rid of my ken doll so barbie could hook up with a cool, cool priestley plastic replica. complete with brown suede jacket, plaid boxers (yes, i peeked), and silver medallion necklace.

i was obsessed. i gushed to my 6th grade boyfriend about my love for jason (sorry ben, you were smart…but not so dreamy). sweet sweet jason. he was intelligent, kind, from the middle, dreamy, and those eyes. ooooh THOSE EYES! they changed colors, you know. i had a poster (ripped out of teen beat, i think) of his face. it was a 2 page fold-out from the center of the magazine so there was a tear in his cheek from where the staple was. it annoyed me that the magazine would defile him in that way. i was also peeved that there was a luke perry photo on the flip side. so on the rare (read: frequent) occasion that i pressed my prepubescent face against jason’s and whispered sweet nothings, i was always concerned that luke would hear and think i was talking to him. yes, i feared that luke perry would show up at my door and expect me to love him the way i loved brandon. yes, i’ve always had irrational fears. it used to be wolves. now, it’s poodles. only the standard ones, the miniature ones don’t bug me much.

anyway, today i saw a photo of luke perry. and i thought, DAMN! why was i so into brandon again? i mean, i’ve always been a sucker for the whole ‘i’m broken and desperately need fixing’ thing. plus, dylan had his own place and that foxxxy old car! and then i remembered (read: googled incessantly for the next hour) those eyes. and so while jason priestley circa 2009 does not appeal to me, in the least ~ there DID exist a time when brandon walsh was my walking dream.

alas, give me a sweet, intelligent, dreamy boy from the middle over the spoiled, alcoholic, too-cool guy any day. sigh. my dear sweet brandon, i’d pick you over dylan, time and time again. you were (and always will be) my first true love (read: lusssst) crush.

i’d like to think that i’ve matured…and i have. but my taste in boys has remained largely the same.

Posted on by shirindawna · 1 Comment

sticks and stones.

let’s be honest. (i always am. well, mostly always) sticks and stones can hurt and all, but it’s the words of the people i care about that really stay with me. and that really have the power to bruise. or heal. or make you fall in love. or cause you to fall out of love. or break your heart. or stop the pain.

they’re magic. and everyone knows, magic isn’t always good.

words are powerful. anyone who says they’re not is:

a) silly
b) wrong
c) a bad writer
d) possibly all of the above

exhibit a: words of encouragement

i heard a story last night. it was about me. my cousin’s boyfriend was telling me about a story my dad had told him. my pop-sicle said that he would’ve given up his fight with cancer after his massive surgery if it hadn’t been for me. my dad said that the moment i crawled into his hospital bed and said ‘please don’t give up,’ he knew he had to hang on.

exhibit b: words of inspiration

see exhibit a. (yes, this one was just filler. so what? it’s my world. i make the rules around here.)

exhibit c: words of wisdom

don’t spit into the wind. (thanks, jim croce)

one of the best pieces of advice i’ve ever received came from one of my very best friends (yes, i’ve mentioned it before, but it really bears repeating). the advice came at the perfect time for me. i was 23. engaged (i’ll tell you about it later). living in kansas (you don’t even want to know). and terribly unhappy. i missed my friends. i missed my family. and i missed my independence. she said that we only get 80-some years to do all the things we want in life and considering we were already a quarter through, we didn’t have time to waste in unhappy situations. she was right. i wasn’t happy. and i deserve to be. we all do. so, i cut my losses. called off a wedding. and came home. on my little bravery kick, i also told my dad i had a tattoo. i actually have two, but i only told him about the one that he could potentially see 😉

exhibit d: song lyrics

i love music. i love how it can cheer me up. make me sad. make me dance. make me cry. make me miss someone. make me happy they’re gone. make me wish they’d never left. (music holds it’s own magic, but the lyrics…that’s what we’re discussing today, kids)

sooo many to mention. so, i’ll touch on a personal favorite. since it incorporates several of my favorite themes (fantasy, creativity, love ~ if you must ask): ‘if you weren’t real, i’d make you up. now.’ so simple. so true. and damn, i wish i’d wrote it! i’m so tickled at the thought of bringing ‘him’ to life, except guess what?! he’s real! ahh, bliss.

exhibit e: words from the heart (my personal favorite)

this one can encompass all the aforementioned categories. this is the one i look forward to when i get a birthday card, a letter, a phone call, a text (don’t laugh. i’ve fallen in love based on witty texts).

boys, if you’re gifted with words (you know who you are). please write. and even if you’re not, try. because we love it. because we eat it up. and because it makes us love you. trust me.

words: they’re my kryptonite.

Posted on by shirindawna · 1 Comment

star light, star bright.

i wish. on everything.

i wish wishing worked.

when i was 8, i got a fortune cookie. it read: you will have everything you wish for. (it lied)

i’m not an overly superstitious person, although i try not to walk under ladders, break mirrors, step on cracks on the sidewalk (just in case. better safe than sorry, right?! right!)

when it comes to wishing, i will wish on anything (read: everything i can think of):

i hold my breath in tunnels.

i throw coins in fountains. (tossed one over my shoulder into the trevi. YES i did! and then ate gelato)

i blow away eyelashes.

i wish on the first star i see each night.

i wish on shooting stars.

i wish on the candles of my birthday cake

i wish on the bigger side of the wishbone (after wishing that i’ll get the bigger side of the wishbone)

i blow on dandelions.

i make a wish if a ladybeetle lands on me. (i’ve recently modified this to include butterflies, since for some reason, they LOVE landing on me)

sometimes, i’ll wish on nothing at all. but i make deals with the universe. example: if i don’t look at the clock on the treadmill until an ENTIRE minute passes (treadmill minutes are not real world minutes, they move about ten times slower), then my pup will never ever die. or those william rast jeans will appear at my door. or i’ll get free louboutins for life!

i didn’t even realize how much i did this until i was in san francisco this weekend holding my breath in a tunnel and realizing i forgot to make a wish…and then i thought: oh well, that’s okay. i’ll just defer to my standby wish.

umm, that’s right. i have a standby wish. several years ago, i made a deal with the universe that in the instance i forget to wish, we should insert my ‘go to wish’. i think i actually said this aloud to my best friend and that’s when it clicked…i’m not normal. and honestly, i never want to me.

problem is, i no longer recall my understudy wish. guess i’ll have to make a new one!

Posted on by shirindawna · 1 Comment

all you need is: love?

according to charlotte york (if you don’t know who she is, stop reading immediately. i won’t make sense to you) you only get two great loves of your life. i like it when people apply tangible things, like: numbers. to intangible things, like: love.

cue: emotional mind.

love. it’s like magic, only better. cuz it’s real. right? i mean, i can’t touch it, but i can feel it. i can’t see it, but i can show it. in any case, (in the wise wise words of the monkees) i’m a believer.

pop culture has successfully influenced me. year after year of sappy romantic comedies, angsty pop music, and dramatic tv shows has convinced me. true love CAN exist. (although, if the latter is any indication, eventually he’ll sleep with my best friend. and probably my mom. who was once thought to be dead. but she isn’t now. and through it all, i have perfect hair. you know what? let’s scratch tv shows from the list. they aren’t sending the right message AT ALL) anyway, i digress…let’s just assume it’s true what they’ve been feeding us: we too can have perfect movie (the notebook)/song (just the way you are) LOVE.

i want so badly to believe that it’s true. so, when i fall in love, i fall HARD. i fall for real. and i fall completely. people find this hard to believe because of my confident, self-assured, independent, and witty (read: often insecure, sometimes jealous, reformed clingy girlfriend and really just dorky) persona.

don’t get me wrong, i’ve had my share of heartbreaks (summer of sin 2005, anyone?). i’ve given up too soon, i’ve held on too long. i’ve been unforgiving, i’ve been too forgiving. i’ve given too much, i’ve taken more than my share. i’ve told lies, i’ve been too honest…yet i’ve never given up hope. while i don’t subscribe to the soulmate theory, i DO believe that there is someone special out there for each one of us. someone who can help us fulfill our dreams, compliment our personalities, make us laugh, make us think, challenge us to be better individuals, give us butterflies AND get us off (sorry baba)… we all have the ability to find someone who can make us happy, REALLY (i can’t get this grin off my face cuz i’m so super in love) happy.

finding your someone is no easy task. it is difficult. it is trying. and sometimes, just when you think things are going great, you’re completely blindsighted by a breakup. a breakup that feels like it’s physically hurting you…you lose your appetite, you can’t sleep, you cry nonstop, you can’t understand WHY?!, you talk about him to anyone who will listen, you pretend to be better, you leave the house, you put on makeup, you dance with other boys, you laugh, you flirt, you see him with another girl. you get blackout drunk. you lose your nose ring. puke. wash. rinse. repeat.

through it all though, we can’t seem to stop trying. and we can’t seem to give up or stop believing for one second that our someone (or someones, as the case may very well be) is out there.

sorry char, but you can’t quantify love. it isn’t rational. it just isn’t. it doesn’t always make sense. but it feels amazing. and it’s magical…and for that, i’m still willing to walk face-first into the dark and pray that maybe somehow, this time it’ll work out. (fingers crossed, here’s hoping!)