this is a hard one to write.

my head is still spinning and i don’t even know where to start, but writing is my therapy so i need to get it out…

earlier this week, someone i considered a close friend expressed that my public breastfeeding (of my almost 4 year old) makes her uncomfortable and voted that i wean my child. (it is an election year after all, things are gonna get weird).

i very clearly stated that i’m not at all uncomfortable. and there is no need to spend time with me if it’s an issue for her.

also, and here’s the part that matters to me, my body went through infertility. and cancer. it survived. and is alive! and i will never ever feel shame for using my breasts, AS INTENDED.

when i shared with her that this mattered to me deeply…that i still feel like my body failed me with cancer, and not being about to get and stay pregnant on my own. after miscarriages, and years, and tears, it’s finally something my body can do and provide for my child. i’m proud of that. i’m thrilled about that. i was not able to use my own eggs to have my child. i LOVE that my body produces milk and nourishment and comfort for him. her response was something along the lines of: my feelings are my own and not attached to your story.

true.

and so dismissive.

i don’t expect my friends to agree with every choice i make ~ that would be crazy…AND i was terribly hurt by the nature of her response. if your feelings are your own and you’re not attaching them to my story, then why did you feel the need to share with me? what exactly was the goal? if not to shame me and try and make me feel weird about my choices? (which i don’t. and won’t. i feel hurt and sad that a “friend” is so judgmental and quick to dismiss vulnerability.)

even more unfortunate is that my husband watched her roll her eyes the last time we were together and i breastfed my son.

(before you ask, yes. she’s a mom.)

the funny thing is, my husband always assumed someone would say something to me about breastfeeding at some point.

…we just NEVER ever thought it was going to come from someone who was inside our circle.

i honestly thought we were past the point of telling women what to do with their bodies. this will never compute for me. a completely asexual activity (literally, feeding my child) is somehow seen as something…inappropriate?

what a weird thing to care about.

so…where do we go from here?