another sleepless night.
i’m so restless these days. it isn’t a new feeling.
and it isn’t a bad one…i feel like i’m on the brink of so much that i’d rather not waste time sleeping.
i want immediate gratification.
life has other plans.
it ain’t me, babe.
i have a theory. regarding kitchen appliances and love. namely ovens and stovetops.
i affectionally refer to it as my back burner theory.
if you know me at all, you know i’m a big big fan of honesty. i’m not into wasting other people’s time. or my own.
which is why this back burner thing is slightly disturbing to me.
example, i met a boy. i really liked him. thought he was interesting, attractive, could match wits. i was interested. but then he asked me one day ‘this girl likes me, how do i blow her off?’
cue record scratching sound. i said ‘why not try honesty? something along the lines of: i’m just not feeling a romantic connection.’ when i’m not feeling it, i let it be known. i’m all about cutting people loose when i need to.
he thought that was mean. his solution was to make up an excuse and keep stringing her along. (i.e. put her on the back burner.) i think the truth is kinder. i’d rather tell someone i’m not feeling it and let them move on. allow them to find someone who feels the same way they do. when i explained this to the boy and called him out the back burner thing, he said ‘i have a big stove top’. i immediately became uninterested. anyone that needs to keep people around for reassurance that badly is not right for me.
my stove top is small and only has room for front burners.
as an aside, regarding the photo for this post: i waited over 6 years for this lovely mixer. i asked for it for every birthday/christmas/valentine’s day/fourth of july/monday/tuesday/wednesday/thursday/friday/saturday/sunday. finally, for my 30th birthday, my bestie gifted it to me. it’s everything i dreamed of. and more. just like her. and whether there is a boy in my life or not, she’ll always be a front burner.
if i could read your mind, love.
so melancholy,
so hauntingly beautiful,
a great song song for a rainy day.
it’s raining, it’s pouring.
i can’t sleep.
as i lie in bed & listen to the sky dump water, i can’t help but think of the boy that used to sleep next to me. he loved to fall asleep to the sound of the rain. how ironical that it’s now the reason i’m unable to sleep…
as i type that i realize it isn’t entirely true. i had trouble falling asleep earlier. and the sky hadn’t started crying yet.
i was thinking about a boy then too…as i often do. not one from my past this time, i don’t make a habit of visiting there. one from my present. and hopefully my future. i feel anxious typing that. like i’m jinxing something.
i shared that sentiment with my bestie today. i told her i’m happy for what i have today & am not brave enough to wish for more.
her reply was ‘you don’t have to be brave to wish for something.’
so, i’m wishing…that he’ll be the next one i listen to the rain with. and if i’m very lucky, the last.
it feels brave to admit. even if it isn’t.
change is inevitable, growth is optional.
one of my favorite sayings.
so much happening, so many possibilities…
there was a time when i would have been afraid. or at the very least, extremely anxious.
now, i’m simply excited. everything changes. and i fully embrace it.
after all, if nothing ever changed, there wouldn’t be butterflies.
sdinsd 