baba.

i have been racking my brain trying to think of the appropriate way to describe my dad, but no words or descriptions seem to do him justice.

he provided me with unconditional love, with protection, and the space to explore who i am and what i wanted to do with my life at my own pace.

he was truly my biggest fan.

my father was the most generous man i had ever met. besides the gift of unconditional love, he gave me the ultimate gift: confidence.

of all the gifts i have received, i have been most honored by this one. it is the greatest gift to ever give another person, to believe in them.

when i succeeded he stood back and took no credit, and when i failed he was by my side. what more could a child ask?

my baba taught me a lot, the most important thing being how to love. unconditionally.

he never missed an opportunity to tell me how much he loved me. in fact, every time we spoke or saw each other it was the first thing he said.

it feels nice to know that my baba and i didn’t leave a thing unsaid. we constantly told each other how lucky we were.

i was up late last night reading our old emails to each other and feeling comforted by the unabashed love in his messages.

my favorite one ended with: love is everything.

even though my dad and i said i love you probably every other sentence, i would give anything to hear him say it one more time.

in honor of my dad & this legacy of love, as you go about your day take the time to tell those who are important to you how much you love them and what they mean to you. and do it everyday, every chance you get. i can’t think of a better way to keep his memory alive.

…because i am sure he’s listening and because it was one of our favorite things to say to each other i’d like to borrow shakespeare’s words to remind my dad that i love him ‘dearer than eye-sight, space, and liberty.’

give me your hand.

i am sitting beside my baba. the man who always seemed larger than life to me. invincible.

he is unresponsive. no longer able to speak, open his eyes, or even swallow. though i know he still hears me…

yesterday he was marginally better. as i read to him he managed to whisper the words “give me your hand” and every time i told him i loved him, he would move his lips to reply. even though the only sound that escaped was a faint groan, i have no doubt that he was saying it back.

even though my dad and i spent the better part of most of our conversations expressing our love for each other, i would still give anything to hear him say the words again.

he is a wonderful, remarkable, inspiring man and i am so blessed to not only know him, but to be able to call him my baba.

he was just paid a visit by his hospice social worker and she told me that in all her time doing what she does, she has never met anyone who showed such gratitude and courage in spite of what he was facing. she said he has a strong will and is a true role model.

it is hard to believe that just a couple days ago i was fortunate enough to witness a large smile spread across his face when my best friend came to see him…he was able to tell her that he had missed her & that he loved her.

the day before that he brought my hand to his lips and kissed it before telling me he loved me more than life. witnessing his decline has been the greatest challenge i have ever faced.

in the last week he did his best to prepare us for the time when he is no longer (physically) with us. he also told me that i was opinionated and while he considered that a good thing, i would encounter people throughout life and that i should be gentle with them. he said “these are just the words from a father to a daughter…for the future”

…a future that seems to have a big gaping hole in it without my sweet baba.

my #1 fan.

and the man that taught me what it means to love. unconditionally.

something i hope i am able to pass along.

i will miss him dearly, but i revert back to the physics knowledge that he frequently tried to instill in me…”energy cannot be created nor destroyed…” and i take comfort in knowing that he will always be with me. in my heart. and in my head.

but for now…i am giving him all the kisses and hugs i can.