nothing ever feels the way you imagine it will. my first birthday without my baba isn’t breaking my heart the way it has been over the last couple weeks. i miss him, but there is a sense of calm that surrounds me. a peace i had been hoping for and wasn’t expecting. now that it’s here, i’m not sure what to do with it.

at a glance, i have nothing to complain about. sitting on a patio in maui with the ocean in the distance and a sweet boyfriend snoozing away in the king size bed in our hotel room. life has been good to me. i am fortunate. and i’m grateful for everything i have. and even though i feel at peace with my dad not being around, the little girl in me still wants to call him and tell him how pretty it is here. and how much i miss him. and how i wish i could’ve been with him when he explored kauai several years back.

my dad and i always planned to come to hawaii together. maybe that’s why i felt compelled to celebrate my birthday here. it just felt right.

but here’s a little secret: running away to maui doesn’t make you forget that your dad isn’t around to celebrate your birthday. i would be lying if i said it didn’t soften the blow though. i mean, if it’s going to suck either way it may as well suck in a tropical paradise.

i feel a sense of obligation to my dad and his memory to strengthen family bonds. perhaps that is why i felt it was so important to have my boyfriend’s parents here with us? i know my dad would’ve wanted it that way. he had such admiration and regard for these people he has never even met. that’s baba though. he makes up his mind about certain ideals and blindly follows them, not to say his admiration is unwarranted, but it always amused me that the details or circumstances surrounding a situation didn’t phase him as much as the final outcome. maybe that’s why he was able to love so unconditionally. and with such pure intent. i wish i had the courage and ability to surrender myself so completely to love in the same way. that type of love may only exist from a parent to a child and perhaps that is why i haven’t experienced it…someday.

i have many things to celebrate today: the love of a good man, a wonderful brother, and great friends. and i get to celebrate my birthday in hawaii.

it isn’t a perfect picture, but there are a lot of perfect pieces.