this past year has been the ultimate lesson for a control freak. or series of lessons…

i. just. don’t. learn.

i had a tough time admitting that the last couple weeks i’ve shut myself off from people i love… independence as a defense mechanism. it’s an old game for me. one i thought i gave up years ago…

old patterns in new times is a strange place to be. especially when i learned long ago that shutting myself off doesn’t serve me. totally serves my ego. disconnecting from the world. pushing people away before i get pushed. it’s so cliched. and i will admit, i’m disappointed in me.

hearing someone close to me point out my recent intimacy and trust issues was difficult, but eye-opening…

somewhere on my path, i stopped feeling like the world is a safe place…and stopped trusting myself. it’s a bizarre turn of events. and difficult to let go of controlling outcomes…but i am trying. and sometimes succeeding.

i am learning to be okay with relying on other people. and asking for a hug when i need one.

there’s no shame in the truth:
for now, I’m a little broken. and a little better for admitting it.