i had a very eye opening day.
i received some very scary health-related news. this can be terrifying for anyone, but as a cancer survivor (still feels weird to say), this type of news has a tendency to send me into a full spiral.
not to be dramatic, (what other way is there to be as a writer?) but i spent the better part of the day convinced i had just received a death sentence.
the day was a blur, and now that i’ve had some time to sit and think about things i’m noticing who i turn to when i am in these deep holes.
in my darkest times, i have a tendency to become small and burrow into myself and shut almost everyone out. i retreat from anyone who doesn’t feel completely safe (and i’m noticing those people are few & fat between). it happened with my dad’s cancer diagnosis. it happened with his passing. it happened with the news of my own cancer. it happened with each miscarriage. and it happened again, recently…
if you know me at all, you know i’m a person of action (side note: this will probably be my fatal flaw). if i can’t act and must wait or things are in limbo, i am dying. i know that sounds extreme, but waiting feels equivalent to torture. for me, it doesn’t get much worse.
so, there i was…waiting.
spiraling.
panicking.
burrowing.
dying.
instead of going deeper and deeper into my hole, i reached out to some friends. and they pulled me out. a few even got in the hole, sat with me, and waited this thing out. (special shoutout to my forever rock, who is as calm and steady as i am bold and emotional. if you’re reading this: hi, i love you. without you there would be no sanity and i would let all the bridges i burn light my path.)
despite my tendency to shut the world out when i’m sad or scared or hurting, i’m so grateful to learn that people are there, if you let them in. and when you’re falling, they will catch you.
i needed this reminder today.
…maybe you do too. 🤍
sdinsd 