the lost years…

we have so much to cover. i will be bringing back the old entries…should i scrub the offensive stuff or not? i said some wild things, i stand by most of them…and also, i’m a person, i’ve changed, i’ve grown (not vertically).

it’s hard to believe this started 14 years ago, when i was in my 20s. it felt right to bring it back today, on my 43rd birthday. so much has happened and i’m a completely different me than the girl who first sat down at her laptop to write about love and boys, and share her thoughts with her friends (and a few strangers). and yet, i’m still sitting here writing about love…and boys (maybe a couple exclusively now). full circle, i suppose. it feels like me. it feels right.

if you are an ex, this is your warning to STOP READING now. i will be detailing your bad behavior and if you’ve gotten a pass till now, i hope you enjoyed your peace. (i can anticipate the messages coming and let’s save ourselves the time. the terrible thing you’re thinking of, yes – i will be mentioning it.)

let’s talk about the breakups.

let’s talk about the miscarriages.

let’s talk about the wedding.

let’s talk about cancer.

let’s talk about how i’ve never met a bridge i didn’t want to burn.

let’s talk about the boy.

let’s talk about his baba.

let’s talk about my baba.

let’s talk about how i finally get to do what i’ve always wanted.

it’s about a boy.

it’s about a boy (isn’t it always?).

it’s about how it’s different this time (how many times have i claimed that?).

it’s about unconditional love.

it’s about how he broke my heart wide open.

it’s about wishing my dad could’ve met him.

it’s about how i can’t get enough of him.

it’s about how he murmurs “i love you” while he’s sleeping.

it’s about how the cracks in my heart started to mend.

it’s about the way he scrunches his nose.

it’s about understanding what my baba was talking about.

it’s about how he tells me his heart is full of me.

it’s about how it almost didn’t happen.

it’s about persistence.

it’s about wishing on dandelions.

it’s about hummingbirds.

it’s about trucks.

it’s about books.

it’s about how he really knows me.

it’s about laughter.

it’s about tears.

it’s about what really matters.

it’s about healing.

it’s about how he changed me.

it’s about how words fail.

it’s about writing again (though i never stopped).

it’s about time.

marriage has a nice ring to it.

once upon a time (like, 10 months ago), i was hanging out in a local coffee shop with my good friend.

she asked the dreamy blue-eyed boy next to me about his beverage.

he said something snarky.

i was intrigued.

four hours after talking non-stop and annoying everyone in the coffee shop (including my friend), he left with my phone number.

and now…

why didn’t i meet you sooner?

today while going through some old writing, i discovered that i had jotted down a little snippet of conversation that occurred several years ago while out at dinner with an old flame.

like most things i find amusing, i decided to share this tidbit with my current boyfriend:

waiter: how is everything?

me: my dad died.

(dirty look from my old flame.)

me: he said “everything!” not just the food.

naturally this facilitated a chuckle from my (real-time) boyfriend (he’s as funny as i am).

which prompted the subject question thought…

love has no limits.

i don’t think it’s a conincidence that i found this on the day after father’s day. during my dad’s first long stint in the hospital, we started a tradition of me reading to him while he was bedridden – something that happened far too often in the years following. we started with one of his favorite scholars: einstein. and so in honor of his favorite..and mine (read: baba), i share this letter that einstein wrote to his daughter. it reminds me so much of my own baba: part mad scientist, part adoring father, and all love… it is nothing short of genius.

When I proposed the theory of relativity, very few understood me, and what I will reveal now to transmit to mankind will also collide with the misunderstanding and prejudice in the world.

I ask you to guard the letters as long as necessary, years, decades, until society is advanced enough to accept what I will explain below.

There is an extremely powerful force that, so far, science has not found a formal explanation to. It is a force that includes and governs all others, and is even behind any phenomenon operating in the universe and has not yet been identified by us. This universal force is LOVE.

When scientists looked for a unified theory of the universe they forgot the most powerful unseen force. Love is Light, that enlightens those who give and receive it. Love is gravity, because it makes some people feel attracted to others. Love is power, because it multiplies the best we have, and allows humanity not to be extinguished in their blind selfishness. Love unfolds and reveals. For love we live and die. Love is God and God is Love.

This force explains everything and gives meaning to life. This is the variable that we have ignored for too long, maybe because we are afraid of love because it is the only energy in the universe that man has not learned to drive at will.

To give visibility to love, I made a simple substitution in my most famous equation. If instead of E = mc2, we accept that the energy to heal the world can be obtained through love multiplied by the speed of light squared, we arrive at the conclusion that love is the most powerful force there is, because it has no limits.

After the failure of humanity in the use and control of the other forces of the universe that have turned against us, it is urgent that we nourish ourselves with another kind of energy…

If we want our species to survive, if we are to find meaning in life, if we want to save the world and every sentient being that inhabits it, love is the one and only answer.

Perhaps we are not yet ready to make a bomb of love, a device powerful enough to entirely destroy the hate, selfishness and greed that devastate the planet.

However, each individual carries within them a small but powerful generator of love whose energy is waiting to be released.

When we learn to give and receive this universal energy, dear Lieserl, we will have affirmed that love conquers all, is able to transcend everything and anything, because love is the quintessence of life.

I deeply regret not having been able to express what is in my heart, which has quietly beaten for you all my life. Maybe it’s too late to apologize, but as time is relative, I need to tell you that I love you and thanks to you I have reached the ultimate answer!

Your father,
Albert Einstein