Posted on by shirindawna

give me your hand.

i am sitting beside my baba. the man who always seemed larger than life to me. invincible.

he is unresponsive. no longer able to speak, open his eyes, or even swallow. though i know he still hears me…

yesterday he was marginally better. as i read to him he managed to whisper the words “give me your hand” and every time i told him i loved him, he would move his lips to reply. even though the only sound that escaped was a faint groan, i have no doubt that he was saying it back.

even though my dad and i spent the better part of most of our conversations expressing our love for each other, i would still give anything to hear him say the words again.

he is a wonderful, remarkable, inspiring man and i am so blessed to not only know him, but to be able to call him my baba.

he was just paid a visit by his hospice social worker and she told me that in all her time doing what she does, she has never met anyone who showed such gratitude and courage in spite of what he was facing. she said he has a strong will and is a true role model.

it is hard to believe that just a couple days ago i was fortunate enough to witness a large smile spread across his face when my best friend came to see him…he was able to tell her that he had missed her & that he loved her.

the day before that he brought my hand to his lips and kissed it before telling me he loved me more than life. witnessing his decline has been the greatest challenge i have ever faced.

in the last week he did his best to prepare us for the time when he is no longer (physically) with us. he also told me that i was opinionated and while he considered that a good thing, i would encounter people throughout life and that i should be gentle with them. he said “these are just the words from a father to a daughter…for the future”

…a future that seems to have a big gaping hole in it without my sweet baba.

my #1 fan.

and the man that taught me what it means to love. unconditionally.

something i hope i am able to pass along.

i will miss him dearly, but i revert back to the physics knowledge that he frequently tried to instill in me…”energy cannot be created nor destroyed…” and i take comfort in knowing that he will always be with me. in my heart. and in my head.

but for now…i am giving him all the kisses and hugs i can.

Posted on by shirindawna

sleeping beauty.

when i was about 10 or 11 years old i went to a slumber party. we were playing some game and i was bit by the sleepy bug, so i took a pillow behind a recliner in the living room (where the game was centered) and went to sleep.

in the morning my friends said that i looked like sleeping beauty with my hair fanned out above me on the pillow and my hands crossed on my chest.

i remember that day. my normally frizzy mop manifested itself in perfect smooth waves…

it was a good hair day. (when they’re so few and far between, they’re easy to recall)

this memory came back to me a few minutes ago when i was thinking about my morning…sometime prior to 4am my boyfriend got up out of bed to go to the bathroom. i think i heard him get up and i was still half in/out of sleep when he came back.

upon his return, he cuddled up next to me to share all his delicious warmth and as he laid his arm across me to pull me a little closer i heard him whisper ‘you’re so beautiful.’

if you know me, you already know that he’s a sweetheart. i mean, really…he’s sorta perfect. feel free to throw up puppies and rainbows, it’s TRUE.

anyway, what i found so heartwarming and special about this particular moment was he thought i was asleep…he wasn’t saying it to make me feel good, he was just saying it.

…because he meant it.

and that means everything.

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

he’s seriously like a dream.

it’s moments like this that get me through the monotony of my day.

and even though i’m freeeeeeeeeezing at work, my heart is keeping me warm & cozy.

Posted on by shirindawna

attack of the 5’10” woman.

in the past couple weeks, i’ve been asked no less than ten times if i got a perm. (i didn’t).

the truth is, i’m just too lazy to straighten my hair.

i have two jobs, a boyfriend, a blog, and a bratty pup ~ there’s no time to tame these locks. i’m lucky if i manage to put my clothes on right-side out…

so, lately i’ve been rocking my big hair (and it is BIG)… oddly enough, i’ve received more hair compliments in the past few weeks, than…umm…ever. which i find hysterical because i don’t think i’ve ever spent less time on my hair.

*sigh*

i digress though…the c-c-c-c-curly locks reminded me of the sex and the city episode where they talk about the movie, “the way we were” in relation to big’s new fiancée.

side bar: i am fully aware that the modern, sophisticated girl isn’t supposed to like the aforementioned show, but i am neither modern nor sophisticated (i consider myself more of a vintage classic, read: an old lady in a younger body) and amidst the froth and frivolousness are gems of bona fide truth. and furthermore, i love the show, the fashion, the froth, and even the frivolusness.

the school of thought is there are two kinds of women:
the pretty and simple girls
the katie girls: wild, untamed, passionate, ambitious

if my hair is any indication, it’s pretty clear which category i fall into…after all, i’m sassy, opinionated, mouthy, inappropriate, challenging, have chipped nail polish, forget to wear make-up, and have seriously wild hair.

while i agree with the notion of the two types of women, i think when it comes to a break up…what’s the point of comparing?

hypothetically speaking (and this is all hypothetical, right ;)) i like to think that if it were me, i wouldn’t trouble myself with the question: why her and why not me?

frankly: who cares?
complicated/simple
curly/straight
ambitious/complacent

who really wants to be the former girlfriend of his with lingering feelings…or maybe just some sort of attachment towards him, who is spending her valuable time worrying about his life when she could be out living her own?

go shopping.
call a friend.
GO TO THE GYM.
eat a cookie.
live YOUR life.

honestly, honey, what difference does it make?

bottom line: you weren’t the one for him and it isn’t meant to be. MOVE ON.

whatever the case, that magical feeling that makes a man want to wife a woman wasn’t there. that doesn’t devalue any past relationships, it just means the relationship existed on borrowed time and eventually you found yourselves at a crossroads where you needed to decide if you were going to walk down a new path together or continue separately…you don’t usually come to that revelation until you’re at the proverbial fork in the road. sometimes that’s months into the relationship, sometimes it takes longer…

my current boyfriend and i knew very early on that this was ‘it’, but there were times when i held on longer than i needed to and fought far too hard and long for something that wouldn’t end up being right.

every relationship is a learning experience and when one ends, it’s prudent to take your lessons and move forward. sure, it’s nice to be nostalgic, but being bitter isn’t pretty. after all, ‘bitterness is a poison pill you swallow and hope the other person dies.’

i may not ever be the girl with the perfect hair or the most appropriate behavior, but i wouldn’t wanna be anyone else.

‘i don’t entirely approve of some of the things i have done, or am, or have been. but i’m me. god knows, i’m me.’ elizabeth taylor

Posted on by shirindawna

that same look.

my boy bestie has often mentioned that he thinks it’s interesting that i manage to stay friends (or at the very least, friendly) with most of my exes.

the way i see it, why wouldn’t you? once the feelings are gone and you no longer feel a magnetic pull towards the person, shouldn’t a friendship remain?

obviously, i know this isn’t always the case. both parties need to be on the same page. and sometimes there is lingering hurt…or feelings.

my very favorite ex-boyfriend is still in my life. i was very curious to see how he’d interact with my current boyfriend, since that situation can have a high potential for awkwardness. naturally, they get along great… i mean, they clearly have things in common. one thing, anyway.

it can be weird being the common denominator in a friendship type situation. exes aside, you never really know how people are going to mesh.

a few days after my old bf met my new & shiny bf he text me.

old: your man seems great. he’s a good guy and really into you, i can tell.
me: how?
old: he has that same look.
me: what look?
old: the one i had. he’s in awe of you.

it’s so SO mutual.

Posted on by shirindawna

time warp.

i’ve always loved the adolescence of a relationship.

i wish we could bottle those feelings elicited in the beginning. the butterflies, the giggles, the desire to talk all night…

sometime back i was describing to a married friend how 4 hour conversations fly by and seem like 30 minutes.

he wisely advised me to enjoy that time…because you never get it back.

he told me once you’re married conversations go like this:

‘hi’
‘hi’
‘what do you want for dinner?’
‘i don’t know’
‘ok, i’ll figure it out’
‘ok, see you in 20 minutes’
‘bye’
‘bye’

the kicker was him saying ‘and oddly enough, that feels like 30 minutes too’