Posted on by shirindawna

down bad.

while explaining what deadlifts are to my child, he asked if i thought of lifting my dad while i was doing them at the gym. the association with lifting dead weight to lifting a dead person was one i hadn’t considered (until that moment)…

naturally, i broke into song…(after a hearty laugh) and it gave one of my favorite songs new meaning.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=EVbtjaWXQVg%3Fsi%3Db_M-CMRFw-t1iUDy

not gonna lie, there’s been a lot of “fuck it if i can’t have him” since i lost my baba…parts of me which have mostly healed, but the agony of grief persists on the darkest days.

Posted on by shirindawna · 2 Comments

am i bad? or mad? or wise?

one of my favorite dinnertime conversations with my husband is when we discuss who we would date if a tragic, early death befell the other.

it’s so morbid.

it’s so fun.

it’s such a treat to be with someone who is secure (despite all my efforts).

side note: he has excellent taste. (obvs, we knew this, but these discussions have really driven the point home).

worst case scenario, he’s planning to jump into some of my online groups and ask “who in here has a red light?” and use that as a starting point. brilliant, actually (if he’s looking for another me, which…of course he is). if you happen to see him lurking in there, offer your condolences.

after all, anyone who knows me knows i’m a planner…and a wise woman once said “there’s no such thing as bad thoughts…only your actions talk.”

naturally, my second favorite thing is texting all our picks to enlighten/warn them.

Posted on by shirindawna · 2 Comments

who will you run to?

i had a very eye opening day.

i received some very scary health-related news. this can be terrifying for anyone, but as a cancer survivor (still feels weird to say), this type of news has a tendency to send me into a full spiral.

not to be dramatic, (what other way is there to be as a writer?) but i spent the better part of the day convinced i had just received a death sentence.

the day was a blur, and now that i’ve had some time to sit and think about things i’m noticing who i turn to when i am in these deep holes.

in my darkest times, i have a tendency to become small and burrow into myself and shut almost everyone out. i retreat from anyone who doesn’t feel completely safe (and i’m noticing those people are few & fat between). it happened with my dad’s cancer diagnosis. it happened with his passing. it happened with the news of my own cancer. it happened with each miscarriage. and it happened again, recently…

if you know me at all, you know i’m a person of action (side note: this will probably be my fatal flaw). if i can’t act and must wait or things are in limbo, i am dying. i know that sounds extreme, but waiting feels equivalent to torture. for me, it doesn’t get much worse.

so, there i was…waiting.

spiraling.

panicking.

burrowing.

dying.

instead of going deeper and deeper into my hole, i reached out to some friends. and they pulled me out. a few even got in the hole, sat with me, and waited this thing out. (special shoutout to my forever rock, who is as calm and steady as i am bold and emotional. if you’re reading this: hi, i love you. without you there would be no sanity and i would let all the bridges i burn light my path.)

despite my tendency to shut the world out when i’m sad or scared or hurting, i’m so grateful to learn that people are there, if you let them in. and when you’re falling, they will catch you.

i needed this reminder today.

…maybe you do too. 🤍