Posted on by shirindawna

resting in peace.

sometimes the universe protects you from yourself.

once someone is no longer your life, it’s hard to admit that maybe they weren’t perfect…like by remembering them honestly, instead of perfectly you somehow tarnish their memory.

it was sad at first to think that i’d be raising my little one alone. and that she’d never know her dad. especially when mine was such a huge part of my life…and the person who shaped me.

…but after he was long gone, little things came to light. things that make me realize that even if he was still around, he may not be the best influence for my little one. and she deserves the best.

(no, i don’t know if it’s a girl. i’m just guessing that my affinity for pink runs through my blood. and so, i expect a girl. or a boy that loves pink)

i’m confident that i’ll be able to provide sweet pea with all the love she needs. and i’m certain that even without her father around, she’ll be showered in tons of love.

it’s disappointing to realize that he wasn’t the person i thought he was…but since he is no longer around it feels like i’m somehow expected to preserve his memory. maybe that’s an unrealistic expectation that i’m placing on myself, but i want my little one to feel loved. and she is.

in the end, it isn’t about him – or me – or what expectations and hopes there were for the future. since his expiration and the news of my little bundle, all i feel is joy. and hope. and love. and that’s all she needs. (besides my boob. which ironically, he enjoyed as well… too soon?)

anyway, he’s gone. resting in peace.

and here i am, exactly where i’m supposed to be. the twinkle in my eye is now a little sweet pea that i get to carry around all day.

i’ve never felt more love than i do when i think of my nugget… and i have no clue how i went this long without her (OR HIM! ;)) i can’t imagine how incredible it will be when i finally get to meet my little angel.

Posted on by shirindawna

life & death.

one year after losing my baba, it really is a matter of life & death. as i prepare to bring my first little into the world, i am missing my dad more than ever.

in his last few months, he promised me he would stick around to meet his grand babies. and the thing is, i know he’s keeping his word. i feel him with me and around me more than ever before…it may sound absurd, but the feeling of love, peace, and protection seems to have amplified since discovering i am fulfilling not only my greatest wish, but my dad’s as well.

before i ever knew i was pregnant i had dreams of my dad telling me how thrilled he was to finally be a grandpop. dreams that were hilarious to me at the time because i had no idea they were my reality…

i don’t believe in coincidences and i firmly believe that there is some divine intervention at work here. the universe always keeps a balance. i had an inkling that having my own child would somehow reconnect me with my dad, i just never knew how comforting or peaceful it would be.

he taught me to look up when things got tough. see the sky, drink in the world, work hard, play hard and believe that who you are is good enough. if someone doesn’t like it – then that’s their malfunction. on this first anniversary of my dad’s passing, i remember, with gratitude, my dad.

he loved us with the fiercest devotion i’ve ever witnessed. unconditional love, for life and beyond. i knew that then, and i feel it now.

as an adult, when i reflect on the people and places that make up my memories, i know that his was the single greatest influence on me. i have his eyes, his nose, his lips, and his ability to love, but that’s not what i mean…

he introduced me to art in all its forms. from beethoven’s 9th to the writings of shakespeare and poe; to the rugged majesty of athletes, as well as the magic of the theatre…no medium escaped his interest.

my dad stayed curious. he got older, but his spirit never did. it lit up a room until his dying day. his example is a legacy i aspire to.

i miss you everyday, dad.

while celebrating the life of the person i loved most, i am beyond happy to welcome a new addition to our family. it may not be father’s day to the whole world, but it is for me…a day of remembrance and gratefulness.

i can’t wait to shower my little sweet pea with the unconditional love that you provided me.

Posted on by shirindawna

lesser of two evils?

my dad died last year after a three year battle with cancer.

he bounced back from two major surgeries only to watch it come back. and ultimately, take over his body.

he died on a wednesday morning in a big bed less than an hour after i said my final goodbye to him. my brother was at his side.

i hear people discuss which is preferred: to lose a loved one unexpectedly, in a suddenly your life is very different moment…not giving you a chance to say goodbye. or i’m sorry. or i’ll be seeing you…

or is it less painful to watch your loved one slowly fade from this life to the next, often in pain, sometimes great pain, breaking your heart over and over? yes, it’s painful…but it’s a chance to say goodbye.

i’ve had that debate myself and i never come to any conclusive decision…what’s easier? which hurts less? i finally came to the conclusion that i had a little bit of both. i knew my dad had cancer for 3 years…and for 3 years, we managed it. he lived with it. we changed his diet. we changed his lifestyle. we bickered. we took a cruise. we debated. we had dance parties. we learned together. most of all, we loved.

3 years of fighting…and a miraculous recovery from a terribly invasive surgery only to find that 6 months later the cancer was back and stronger than ever before. the doctors all said the cancer was going to take his life. they suggested hospice. we thought they were wrong.

didn’t they know how strong my dad was?
didn’t they know how long we’d been fighting this battle already?
didn’t they know about how he was a miracle and nothing could beat him?

his decline was rapid (something that is bittersweet). within a couple months of this news, he was gone.

i can’t pretend i didn’t feel the balance of the universe shift as i watched my brother help change my dad’s diaper. or from helping lift him out of bed in his final days.

i could see him fading, but after 3 years i was still holding on to a modicum of hope that he would miraculously recover. leading up to the moment he took his last breath. even though we knew it was coming, it felt like he’d been taken in an instant, a tragedy unforeseen, unpredicted. and certainly, i was unprepared.

lesser of two evils? i can’t speak on that because i don’t believe there’s a good way to lose someone you love.

i do believe the time together changed us for the better. it made us more aware of each moment we have with the people in our lives.

my dad always saw the possibilities in every challenge. he was (overly) optimistic and valued love over all else. i see these traits in myself.

in the end, when cancer stripped my baba of his health, these ideals were something it could not take, something so strong that they outlived even him.

Posted on by shirindawna

a year of firsts.

nothing ever feels the way you imagine it will. my first birthday without my baba isn’t breaking my heart the way it has been over the last couple weeks. i miss him, but there is a sense of calm that surrounds me. a peace i had been hoping for and wasn’t expecting. now that it’s here, i’m not sure what to do with it.

at a glance, i have nothing to complain about. sitting on a patio in maui with the ocean in the distance and a sweet boyfriend snoozing away in the king size bed in our hotel room. life has been good to me. i am fortunate. and i’m grateful for everything i have. and even though i feel at peace with my dad not being around, the little girl in me still wants to call him and tell him how pretty it is here. and how much i miss him. and how i wish i could’ve been with him when he explored kauai several years back.

my dad and i always planned to come to hawaii together. maybe that’s why i felt compelled to celebrate my birthday here. it just felt right.

but here’s a little secret: running away to maui doesn’t make you forget that your dad isn’t around to celebrate your birthday. i would be lying if i said it didn’t soften the blow though. i mean, if it’s going to suck either way it may as well suck in a tropical paradise.

i feel a sense of obligation to my dad and his memory to strengthen family bonds. perhaps that is why i felt it was so important to have my boyfriend’s parents here with us? i know my dad would’ve wanted it that way. he had such admiration and regard for these people he has never even met. that’s baba though. he makes up his mind about certain ideals and blindly follows them, not to say his admiration is unwarranted, but it always amused me that the details or circumstances surrounding a situation didn’t phase him as much as the final outcome. maybe that’s why he was able to love so unconditionally. and with such pure intent. i wish i had the courage and ability to surrender myself so completely to love in the same way. that type of love may only exist from a parent to a child and perhaps that is why i haven’t experienced it…someday.

i have many things to celebrate today: the love of a good man, a wonderful brother, and great friends. and i get to celebrate my birthday in hawaii.

it isn’t a perfect picture, but there are a lot of perfect pieces.

Posted on by shirindawna · 3 Comments

baba.

i have been racking my brain trying to think of the appropriate way to describe my dad, but no words or descriptions seem to do him justice.

he provided me with unconditional love, with protection, and the space to explore who i am and what i wanted to do with my life at my own pace.

he was truly my biggest fan.

my father was the most generous man i had ever met. besides the gift of unconditional love, he gave me the ultimate gift: confidence.

of all the gifts i have received, i have been most honored by this one. it is the greatest gift to ever give another person, to believe in them.

when i succeeded he stood back and took no credit, and when i failed he was by my side. what more could a child ask?

my baba taught me a lot, the most important thing being how to love. unconditionally.

he never missed an opportunity to tell me how much he loved me. in fact, every time we spoke or saw each other it was the first thing he said.

it feels nice to know that my baba and i didn’t leave a thing unsaid. we constantly told each other how lucky we were.

i was up late last night reading our old emails to each other and feeling comforted by the unabashed love in his messages.

my favorite one ended with: love is everything.

even though my dad and i said i love you probably every other sentence, i would give anything to hear him say it one more time.

in honor of my dad & this legacy of love, as you go about your day take the time to tell those who are important to you how much you love them and what they mean to you. and do it everyday, every chance you get. i can’t think of a better way to keep his memory alive.

…because i am sure he’s listening and because it was one of our favorite things to say to each other i’d like to borrow shakespeare’s words to remind my dad that i love him ‘dearer than eye-sight, space, and liberty.’