Posted on by shirindawna

the magnetic pull of a love story.

isn’t it intriguing how love can ignite unexpected sparks and forge connections that defy explanation? i’ve always been the kind of person who stays friends with my exes. some people find it strange, but to me, it’s a testament to the connection we shared. after all, love doesn’t just disappear because a relationship ends; it transforms, it lingers, it finds new ways to exist.

there’s this pattern i’ve noticed, something almost magical. it seems that every man i’ve loved and left, or who has left me (i know…it’s hard to believe, but it’s happened), describes their experience of falling in love with me in strikingly similar terms. they speak of the chemistry as unmatched, a spark that set their world ablaze. they call me magnetic, say i have a pull that’s impossible to resist.

they tell me stories of how their hearts raced the first time we met, how every touch felt electric, and how conversations with me were like nothing they’d ever known. it’s like reading different chapters of the same book, each one recounting the same wonder, the same awe.

“you have this way about you,” one of them once said, a smile playing on his lips. “it’s like you see right into my soul and pull out the best parts of me.”

another ex, years after our breakup, confided, “being with you felt like being alive in a way i didn’t know was possible. the chemistry we had…i’ve never felt that with anyone else.”

these words, this recurring narrative, got me thinking. how is it that different men, at different times in my life, describe their love for me in almost identical ways? is it them, or is it me? is there something in the way i love, the way i connect, that creates this extraordinary bond? (spoiler: it’s not me, but let’s pretend)

the more i pondered, the more i realized that it’s not just about romantic relationships. this magnetic pull, this unmatched chemistry, it’s something deeper. it’s about the energy we bring into the world, the authenticity with which we live our lives. it’s about being fully present, about seeing people for who they truly are and letting them see you in return.

love, in all its forms, is transformative. it’s not about possession or permanence; it’s about the impact we have on each other’s lives. these men, these loves, they were mirrors reflecting back to me my own capacity for passion, for deep connection, for vulnerability.

staying friends with exes has taught me that love evolves. it’s not confined to the traditional boundaries of a relationship. we can carry the essence of those connections forward, allowing them to shape us, to teach us, to remind us of our own magnetic pull.

in a way, this recurring experience of love speaks to something bigger, something more meaningful. it’s about the human desire to connect, to be seen, to be understood. it’s about the magic that happens when two souls meet and recognize something familiar in each other.

and maybe, just maybe, it’s a reminder that we are all capable of being that spark, that magnetic force, for someone else. it’s about being open, being real, and letting the chemistry of connection work its magic, time and time again.

as i continue on this journey, i am grateful for these echoes of love, these reflections of my own heart. they remind me that love, in all its forms, is the most powerful force of all. and that, in itself, is something truly extraordinary. and maybe that’s why i’ve spent a lifetime chasing the right words to capture these feelings…

Posted on by shirindawna

queens.

somewhere deep in the colorado rockies, the second group of people arrived. i was part of the first group whose flights had come in earlier in the day.

she burst into the room. she was loud. she was funny. she was furious that we had to take turns showering – she exclaimed that she needed two showers a day and this proposed schedule simply wouldn’t work for her. when asked to choose a nickname for the week, she demanded we call her “queens.” i loved her immediately.

we were at cancer camp. where they fling a bunch of strangers together for a week in the wilderness and make you do outdoorsy things (rock climbing, in our case). group dynamics can be so strange. but for us, it was magic. we all fell in love. some love stories went deeper than others, like ours.

i don’t remember the first words we exchanged. i don’t recall what we initially connected over. i won’t ever forget those late nights of talking. playing games. and the most inappropriate (and vulgar) things i’ve possibly ever heard. the years of text exchanges after that first magical week. the trip to nyc where i was recovering from a devastating miscarriage and she was about to go in for her latest scan. there was a longstanding joke about dicks & feet and i’m no longer sure where it originated, but i think it was one of those late nights in the mountains. there was so much laughter. there were so many tears. we lost friends. i made a person.

she loved her people so well. and if you were lucky enough to be in her orbit, she would tell you how special you were, all the time. she had no ego, she just loved. even in some of my darkest and brattiest moments (infertility is hard, and hearing about others getting pregnant did not result in me being my best self or handling the news with grace), she let me carry on and just loved me. and when the moment called for it, she commiserated.

including this next image because she sent it to me in our text thread.

i still can’t wrap my head around her being gone. it will never make sense to me. i can’t fathom visiting new york and not seeing her. who else is going to try and convince me that all the bread at the bakery is gluten-free (when it very clearly isn’t), milkshakes make a pregnancy stick, and that dating rappers is a good idea?

i scroll through our messages every few months (i can’t bring myself to delete them). gosh, she was funny. and wild. in all the best ways.

her death broke up the band. we lost others over the years, but she was the glue holding us together. she’s the one who arranged the video calls. she’s the one who forced me out of my bubble. she’s the one whose death i can still barely talk about, let alone accept.

nyc won’t be the same without her. and neither will i.

🤍
Posted on by shirindawna · 2 Comments

you’ve gotta update your fairytale, baby.

‘you live in a fantasy world’ my mom said to me about 4 years ago when i described my ideal relationship/partner to her.

‘you won’t find that. sometimes you need to train them’ my cousin advised after telling her what i wanted in a mate.

i bring a lot to the table. and i expect the same. so, while i love & respect both these women, as the eternal optimist, i refused to settle. and THANK GOODNESS.

i don’t remember the first place i was when i began to dream of the boy that would someday tell me he loved me…but i knew immediately when i first felt ‘it’.

‘falling in love consists merely of uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.’

the complete surrender of your heart & feelings to someone else is unnerving, but more gratifying than anything i’ve ever felt. magical.

i can’t explain the serenity that comes from knowing your heart is in the best possible hands & exactly where it’s meant to be. so, i’ll say what it seems i’ve been saying repeatedly: i’m happy.

and living my fairytale.

Posted on by shirindawna

bye bye baby.

kissing my freedom goodbye.

i interviewed for a job yesterday and today i accepted an offer. i have a tentative start date of early june. which gives me another couple weeks of freedom…and that leads me to my next thought.

when dating someone wouldn’t it be great if right before things got serious, you had a tentative relationship start date?

should the relationship blossom into a forever type situation, there is usually a period of time when you think, ‘i’ll never have a first kiss again’ or ‘i’ll never experience butterflies or school girl giggles again’ or ‘this is the LAST person i will EVER have s-e-x with…’

in my proposed scenario, you’d be allowed a few weeks in which to sow wild oats, sample other flavors, or just spend some time with your friends…and then once that time period was over, you’d be fully committed. and relationship ready! (allegedly)

something to think about. (and no, i’m not serious. not totally anyway.)

or perhaps you should keep yourself quarantined from the dating world unless you’re ready to make a commitment (should the right person come along…)

while you ponder that, i’ll be saying ‘toodles’ to my carefree life and settling back into the land of timecards and commuting.

look out, corporate america ~ bootsy’s back!