Posted on by shirindawna · 1 Comment

a pickle can never be a cucumber.

a couple weeks ago i found myself in the midst of a pickle. regarding a boy. one from my past. after being away for nearly 2 years, he was back in sd (the city). and wanted to be in sd (the person ~ i’m crass, get over it). and while i had real feelings for said boy at one point, i found myself fairly uninterested in a reunion.

it seemed pointless to me. and i wondered if somehow i was operating out of fear. the thought of conquering any fears and his constant insistence that we meet up led me to finally agree. he wanted to come to my place (shocking, right? scumbag alert #1). i refused. and we settled upon a smoothie place. i was ordering when he arrived. he walked up & placed his order too. i already had my wallet out. he didn’t reach for his. (scumbag alert #2). now, don’t get me wrong…when it comes to boys i could date a prince or a pauper, makes no difference to me as long as he’s genuine. but i still think he should’ve sprung for the smoothie. and i was irritated that he didn’t. i may be crass, i may be too honest, but i’m still old-fashioned. i don’t kiss on first dates and think boys should pay for things (at least in the beginning…because everyone knows once i’m yours, i’ll give you everything in the world. except anal pleasure). and i’m worth it.

i was tempted to leave, but took a deep breath and decided to make the most of my brief time with him. it was a chilly day. we were sitting outside and it got breezy. he suggested we go to my place. NOT HAPPENING. so, then he suggested we sit in a warm car. i knew what he was hoping would happen, but i had goosebumps (from the cold. not him) and so i went with it…

what he had in mind was very different from what i had in mind. and i struggled to keep the conversation platonic and neutral. he could sense my frostiness. in fact, he once referred to me as an ‘ice queen.’ hardly! my real friends know i wear my heart on my sleeve and i’m always hopeful about the potential that exists within a connection. he couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that someone wouldn’t be interested in him. news flash: it takes more than a pretty face to enthrall me. then, i saw the lightbulb go off in his head ‘you met someone.’ umm, not so much. more like i got to know myself better. and what i need. and it wasn’t what was in front of me.

it struck me that this boy that i had once been so interested in wasn’t nearly as appealing as he had been. truth be told, i didn’t find him appealing at all. (the discovery of some ‘white lies’ he told didn’t help the matter. be honest, boys! ALWAYS. or you’ll lose a great thing. namely, me.)

the cucumber had soured. and would never be the same.

Posted on by shirindawna · 1 Comment

building forts, faith, and treehouses.

in the past i’ve gone out a limb assuming that i wouldn’t be alone out there, only to find i’m dangling on the edge of a branch. all. by. myself.

…which has sucked.

but the truth is: i would never. ever. take that treacherous branch crawl back. i grew up climbing trees. the ground is boring. and tomorrow isn’t promised.

so, i’m keeping my hopes up. staying optimistic. and hoping that maybe this time will be different…

Posted on by shirindawna

it ain’t me, babe.

i have a theory. regarding kitchen appliances and love. namely ovens and stovetops.

i affectionally refer to it as my back burner theory.

if you know me at all, you know i’m a big big fan of honesty. i’m not into wasting other people’s time. or my own.

which is why this back burner thing is slightly disturbing to me.

example, i met a boy. i really liked him. thought he was interesting, attractive, could match wits. i was interested. but then he asked me one day ‘this girl likes me, how do i blow her off?’

cue record scratching sound. i said ‘why not try honesty? something along the lines of: i’m just not feeling a romantic connection.’ when i’m not feeling it, i let it be known. i’m all about cutting people loose when i need to.

he thought that was mean. his solution was to make up an excuse and keep stringing her along. (i.e. put her on the back burner.) i think the truth is kinder. i’d rather tell someone i’m not feeling it and let them move on. allow them to find someone who feels the same way they do. when i explained this to the boy and called him out the back burner thing, he said ‘i have a big stove top’. i immediately became uninterested. anyone that needs to keep people around for reassurance that badly is not right for me.

my stove top is small and only has room for front burners.

as an aside, regarding the photo for this post: i waited over 6 years for this lovely mixer. i asked for it for every birthday/christmas/valentine’s day/fourth of july/monday/tuesday/wednesday/thursday/friday/saturday/sunday. finally, for my 30th birthday, my bestie gifted it to me. it’s everything i dreamed of. and more. just like her. and whether there is a boy in my life or not, she’ll always be a front burner.

Posted on by shirindawna · 1 Comment

it’s raining, it’s pouring.

i can’t sleep.

as i lie in bed & listen to the sky dump water, i can’t help but think of the boy that used to sleep next to me. he loved to fall asleep to the sound of the rain. how ironical that it’s now the reason i’m unable to sleep…

as i type that i realize it isn’t entirely true. i had trouble falling asleep earlier. and the sky hadn’t started crying yet.

i was thinking about a boy then too…as i often do. not one from my past this time, i don’t make a habit of visiting there. one from my present. and hopefully my future. i feel anxious typing that. like i’m jinxing something.

i shared that sentiment with my bestie today. i told her i’m happy for what i have today & am not brave enough to wish for more.

her reply was ‘you don’t have to be brave to wish for something.’

so, i’m wishing…that he’ll be the next one i listen to the rain with. and if i’m very lucky, the last.

it feels brave to admit. even if it isn’t.