Posted on by shirindawna

more than meets the eye.

so, i am a bit (read: big, huge, giant) of a hypocrite.

i will admit. i used to cheat. on everyone.

granted…it was always on my way out of a relationship, but still. it doesn’t make it right and i don’t make excuses for my own bad behavior. it was wrong. i was wrong. and i should’ve ended one relationship before starting another. sadly, i was young and dumb and guilty of the occasional overlap.

once a cheater always a cheater? i don’t think so. at least i hope not. the recent media coverage of philandering husbands has really helped put things in perspective. i mean, what’s the point? why get married if you’re not ready to be with just one person?

what has changed me? empathy. (translation: it happened to me. and it HURT). from there i morphed into the jealous girlfriend…to the ‘do whatever you want’ girlfriend…to the ‘do what i tell you’ girlfriend..to whoever i am now (read: i’d like to explain but it’s constantly changing/evolving). the way i see it: i’d never do anything i wasn’t comfortable with my partner doing. and if he doesn’t feel the same way and is willing to jeopardize ‘all of this’ (no time for modesty, i’m the total package) then he doesn’t deserve me.

so there it is. a confession and a lesson. happy transforming!

Posted on by shirindawna

too smart for my own good?

ignorance is bliss.

i’m a smart girl.

are you doing the math? i have. and it ain’t pretty.

bliss often evades me.

it’s okay though. (read: i need to stop being so damn analytical about: every. damn thing.) and by ‘every. damn. thing.’ i mostly mean: boys. and sometimes: my friends. mostly boys though. and mostly just ‘boy.’ whoever he turns out to be…at that point in my life.

another day of being wrapped up in my thoughts. i can’t even begin to tell you how many times recently i’ve had to actively stop my train of thought and redirect my focus. it’s the oddest thing. my hypothetical scenarios and overactive imagination are hindering normal brain activity.

but if you know me at all, you’d know: i prefer strange to normal any day.

and besides “Love takes up where knowledge leaves off” (~ Saint Thomas Aquinas) so based on that…i guess, sometimes…it’s okay to stop thinking?

Posted on by shirindawna

losing faith.

lately i’ve been bombarded with stories about cheaters/liars/jerkface boys. it makes me so so sad.

‘i want so badly to believe that there is truth and love is real’

i don’t understand. what’s the point of being in a relationship if you’re gonna cheat and lie and run around? if that’s what you wanna do, go be single! i just don’t get it.

in all fairness, i’ve been guilty of boyfriend borrowing. it wasn’t intentional. and i was young. and selfish. and very, very different. now, i know better. (read: got a taste of my own medicine and it was BITTER!)

in any case, i don’t condone cheating. or lying (unless it’s absolutely necessary. for instance: no, i’ve had those boots forever! i didn’t just buy them yesterday during my lunch break).

one (read: several) of my ex-boyfriends think it’s okay to text me obscene comments about umm…you know…the ‘stuff’ (mom, dad, and current boyfriend: i have NEVER done anything inappropriate, not till i’m married, i promise!) anyway, it’s gross. pathetic. and really really sucky for their new girls. at one point i may have found it flattering. i mean, i love the idea that my exes are all sitting at home crying over losing the best thing they ever had. but now, i just feel horribly for their new girlfriends. and of course it sends me down the whole ‘was he doing this while we were together?!’ path. and that road is just ugly. so, i’m staying off it.

but seriously, all the stories about liars and cheaters make me sick to my stomach. and make me want to never get married or trust anyone. it’s sad.

please world, stop making me sad.

Posted on by shirindawna · 2 Comments

how the hell did this happen?

when did i get old.er?!

several years ago, (during one of my crises, not the self-induced ones that i’m notorious for ~ THAT time) one of my best friends once told me that we only get eighty-some years to do all the things we want with our lives, and we were already a quarter through our lives so we didn’t have time to waste. it was the kick in the butt i needed, at the time. well, that and watching the notebook…

but now, the concept of mortality is bringing me down. mostly my own…but occasionally my dad’s (more on that later). there is so much i want to do with my life. at times i get that restless, breathless feeling, like i’ll never be able to do it all, there aren’t enough years, i’m not that young anymore…where does the time go?!

i try to prioritize the things i want to do (mainly cuz i love making lists), but I know I won’t be satisfied unless I get to do them ALL. problem is, many of my ‘wants’ contradict the others.

i want to own a home. craftsman. or maybe mediterranean? a victorian gingerbread looking house, perhaps? it needs to have character. lots. (since i’ve eliminated mine by customizing my nose) and hardwood floors that shine and never make my place feel cold (i swear every home i’ve been to with hardwood floors feels cold. always). i want a porch. with a rocking chair. that i can sit and read in. i want a library filled with first editions. AND the pretty pink covered books that i love (fact: if a book cover has pink, i’ll read it. yes, i judge books by their covers…but not people. usually).

i want more time to read. and write. i want to write my memoirs…without caring if anyone ever reads them. i want everyone to read them. i want to conquer my fear of karaoke (yes, i’ve done it. yes, it was awful. yes, i’m still petrified. and yes, there is video.)

i want to see the world. i want to save the world. i want to make a difference. i want to matter. i want to have a baby, but not at the expense of losing my own identity. i want to be the girl in the story. i want to be the girl he’s singing about. i want to be girly. i don’t want to be anyone, but me. i want to find someone who makes me the best version of me that i can be. i want to reconcile my fear of relationships with the idea of forever that i’ve harbored since i was a little girl. i want to get married. i want to believe that marriage can work. i want to marry someone i’ll never get tired of talking to. i want to not care about grammar. i want to learn to forgive, completely. i want to never ever feel resentful.

i want to learn from my mistakes. i don’t want to make mistakes. i want to cure cancer. i want louboutins, pink, studded, boots ~ any kind at all! i want to not care about material things. i want to fix all your problems. i want to be there for my friends. i want to be worth it. i want to live up to my potential.

(and i want to write about it all. for me. and for you.)

Posted on by shirindawna · 1 Comment

things you should never say to a girl. ever.

1. you look tired. (even if we do. we don’t need you to tell us. thanks!)

2. my ex would… (don’t EVEN think it. we’re already psycho about your ex-girlfriends, even if we never admit it. we don’t want to think you’re comparing us to the last girl you dipped your stick into. unless you want to hear about the last dreamboat we shared a pillow with)

3. you deserve better. OR i’m not good enough for you. (umm…are you looking for validation? because i’m not going to give it to you. all you’re going to do is convince me you lack confidence, which = unattractive. and perhaps even get me to agree. is that what you want?)

4. your mom is a bitch. (just because i’m allowed to say it doesn’t mean you are. even if she does ignore you and pretends like you don’t exist when we go over there for dinner)

5. you’re wearing that? (uhh – no, i was just showing you the contents of my closet that i never intend to wear. p.s. thanks for making me self-conscience about my outfit for the rest of the day. i had a boyfriend that would always comment on the things i wore to work. one day he looked at me and said ‘you look like a fairy princess’ while i’m a big big fan of being compared to a princess in a fairy tale, he didn’t mean it in a nice way. my puffy sleeved shirt has never been worn since.)

6. if you loved me, you’d… (seriously? don’t try to manipulate us. we’re better at it than you are.)

7. i don’t believe in monogamy (ok ok, this is one i’ve never heard from a guy. but i’ve said it. and it didn’t go over well. so, don’t make the same mistake i did.)