Posted on by shirindawna

give you my wild. give you a child.

when i met my husband, i was dating other people. i was dating so many other people that my friends required a spreadsheet to keep track (it was a thrilling time).

from the beginning, things were different, but i had been wrong before and wasn’t ready to trust that this time would be any different. there was an ease with him that i hadn’t previously experienced. through the years, this ease, this comfort, hasn’t waned.

our biggest conflict came early on when he confessed that before he met me he promised his ex that he would help her move cross-country. only weeks after us meeting, he was supposed to be moving his ex to my town. it was a strange place to be in with someone i didn’t really know that well. through this conflict, i learned that he’s loyal, honest, and not conflict avoidant. hot. Hot. HOT!

it was the perfect storm to turn me into a jealous and crazed maniac, but the truth is: if he wanted to be with her, he would be. and if he thought that he would be happier with someone else, that’s where i would want him to be.

long conversations, shared humor, and an understanding that went beyond words led us to fall in love quickly. we moved in together after 6 weeks (‘there goes the spreadsheet’ exclaimed my friends) and despite claiming he didn’t want to get married, we were engaged by the end of that first year.

and here’s what very few people know…we were married on the one year anniversary of meeting. one year to the day of that chance encounter in the coffee shop, we went to the courthouse and exchanged vows. it was lovely. it was romantic. it was just for us.

neither of us wanted a big wedding, but i have a large family…so, we had one. and it was a blast. we had the best of both worlds. one for us. one for everyone else.

when i was pregnant with our son, we spent months coming up with a name. side note: naming a child is a lot of pressure.

‘why don’t we give him your last name? for your dad.’ he suggested over lunch one day.

this made me fall in love with him all over again. so many men i’ve loved in the past would’ve insisted on using their last name.

thank goodness, we ditched the spreadsheet for the one person who made me want to give him my wild. and a child.

Posted on by shirindawna

she would’ve made such a lovely bride…

let me tell you a story…

i was 22 and we had been dating for 2 months when he surprised me with a trip to nyc for new year’s eve. unfortunately, his plans for the night were standing in the freezing cold, where i couldn’t eat (or pee), to watch the ball drop in times square. (honestly, i’m still mad about this and text him from time to time demanding an apology. what’s even weirder is he had just done this a year or two before and i cannot understand why anyone would want to do this once, let alone twice. it’s miserable.) as a general rule, i want to be warm and i want to be fed.

anyway, right at midnight i turned to give him the obligatory midnight kiss to find that he was holding out a ring. i was in complete shock (there’s a photo of this moment – that i won’t share because he deserves his anonymity – where i’m standing there slack-jawed and completely dumbfounded). the truth is, i didn’t want to say yes…i also didn’t want to embarrass him. so, i said nothing. eventually, he put the ring on my finger…

and there started my year long attempt to extricate myself from the situation. i was 22, i had no business getting married, and my heart was not clear of the one who came before.

i will spare you (and him) the details of the relationship. i held off on writing this blog for so long because i didn’t want to hurt him. 20 years later, we finally had a debrief on the dissolution of our union.

about 10 years ago, i heard that he was telling people he ended our relationship. untrue, but i didn’t care enough to correct it. i thought it was funny and moved on with my life. in fact, he flew across the country to show up at my front door months after our breakup to celebrate my birthday with me and since i already had plans with a friend, we proceeded to have the most awkward dinner in the history of ever, especially after he learned that i had been seeing someone new…and we had even kissed, once. (broken up for months, guys. i refused to feel badly about this.)

a family member insisted upon correcting the story.

family member: but it’s a lie! he shouldn’t lie.

me: let him lie. it doesn’t hurt me.

family member: but it’s not right!

me: it makes no difference in my life.

for me, the high road is typically the one not taken (i’m not proud of this, it’s just a fact. the truth is more important than the consequences in most circumstances).

anyway, during my debrief with this ex i finally asked him about telling everyone he had dumped me. his response was “well, i was responsible for the actions that led to you ending the relationship so in my mind, i was the one that ended things.” HUH?!

i love this junior high logic so much. and boy am i glad i didn’t ever marry him.

Posted on by shirindawna

wrong place at the right time.

i was recently on a picturesque trip with my family including my mother-in-law and one of my best friends flew out to meet us. this bestie was talking about an upcoming trip to nyc and i exclaimed “oh, i love nyc! i got engaged there” and then realized the company i was in and clarified to my mother-in-law that it wasn’t to her son. she responded “but it was just for a night, right?” confused, i asked her what she meant. she brought up the failed attempt by a former suitor to impulsively fly me out and woo me, that has since become a standing joke in my family (if you haven’t heard the story before, don’t worry, i’ll be putting it back up).

me: no, that was a different guy.

mother-in-law: oh, was it the guy who was messaging you last time i visited?

me: nooo, that was a different guy…

mother-in-law: oh. so, i guess i don’t know about who you’re talking about.

…and here we are.

Posted on by shirindawna

the lost years…

we have so much to cover. i will be bringing back the old entries…should i scrub the offensive stuff or not? i said some wild things, i stand by most of them…and also, i’m a person, i’ve changed, i’ve grown (not vertically).

it’s hard to believe this started 14 years ago, when i was in my 20s. it felt right to bring it back today, on my 43rd birthday. so much has happened and i’m a completely different me than the girl who first sat down at her laptop to write about love and boys, and share her thoughts with her friends (and a few strangers). and yet, i’m still sitting here writing about love…and boys (maybe a couple exclusively now). full circle, i suppose. it feels like me. it feels right.

if you are an ex, this is your warning to STOP READING now. i will be detailing your bad behavior and if you’ve gotten a pass till now, i hope you enjoyed your peace. (i can anticipate the messages coming and let’s save ourselves the time. the terrible thing you’re thinking of, yes – i will be mentioning it.)

let’s talk about the breakups.

let’s talk about the miscarriages.

let’s talk about the wedding.

let’s talk about cancer.

let’s talk about how i’ve never met a bridge i didn’t want to burn.

let’s talk about the boy.

let’s talk about his baba.

let’s talk about my baba.

let’s talk about how i finally get to do what i’ve always wanted.

Posted on by shirindawna

it’s about a boy.

it’s about a boy (isn’t it always?).

it’s about how it’s different this time (how many times have i claimed that?).

it’s about unconditional love.

it’s about how he broke my heart wide open.

it’s about wishing my dad could’ve met him.

it’s about how i can’t get enough of him.

it’s about how he murmurs “i love you” while he’s sleeping.

it’s about how the cracks in my heart started to mend.

it’s about the way he scrunches his nose.

it’s about understanding what my baba was talking about.

it’s about how he tells me his heart is full of me.

it’s about how it almost didn’t happen.

it’s about persistence.

it’s about wishing on dandelions.

it’s about hummingbirds.

it’s about trucks.

it’s about books.

it’s about how he really knows me.

it’s about laughter.

it’s about tears.

it’s about what really matters.

it’s about healing.

it’s about how he changed me.

it’s about how words fail.

it’s about writing again (though i never stopped).

it’s about time.