Posted on by shirindawna

feelings fade.

i’ve been deep down in the depths of a funk. i keep trying to pull myself out and somehow keep falling back in. at first, i tried to blame the weather, but it’s more than that…it’s heartbreak.

not over a boy (though i have had my fair share of those), i miss my dad. friends tell me my feelings are normal and it’s natural to feel this way, but i can’t help but feel guilty for being so sad recently. i know that loss is an inevitable part of the human experience and i am SO fortunate and grateful for everything i do have. which led me to thinking…about heartbreak in general. and my experiences with it.

supposedly, every woman wants a bad boy*, and i’ve certainly had my share. there was the dark haired blue eyed screw up in hawaii, the boy with tattoos instead of morals, the alcoholic who i watched deteriorate before my eyes, the chef who fought instead of cried, and the kid who womanized and then moved across the country.

i finally quit bad boys cold turkey after jb, the unemployed alcoholic with a great sense of humor and dreams of owning a bar. a few years ago, the two of us enjoyed a hilariously tumultuous time together, rehashing the in-and-outs of his suckjob career and pondering why life, mostly his, was little more than an enormous pile of elephant droppings. instead of a girlfriend, i became a backbone, a shrink, a cheerleader, a roommate. what really ended things was my dad’s diagnosis with cancer and the realization that i was wasting my time with someone with whom i couldn’t envision a future.

truthfully, i was a bit sorry to see him go. he drank. he bellyached. he spiraled downward. he left town.

and later, in the days after he moved, i would get calls from jb. since our split, he’d thought a lot about me. of course, i should ignore his calls…but he sounded so sincere that it left me wondering why bad was so hard to shake.

is it because we believe we can save these guys? or is that we’re still a bunch of cave women pining away for the beefy and strong? we want men who can defend us when necessary against spiders and catcalls and this mean ol’ grizzly bear called life. but we also want someone who isn’t afraid to burrow down deep into the dirty muck of his own soul, to bring up the pain there and share it with that one special gal. in relationships, women want to feel together, to suffer and prevail as one. shared feelings equal intimacy. if there’s anything bad boys seem to offer, it’s a well of steamy emotion.

and intensity. good guys may challenge our minds, but bad boys test our mettle. a significantly more erotic interplay.

but there’s a fly in the ointment. these boys rarely heal. they just keep fighting, getting tattoos, puking up the bile of their own internal suffering and dribbling it into the lives of their worn-out girlfriends. bad boys don’t care about a woman’s personal crap because they’re too busy continually stepping in their own.

a man who deals with his issues is hot. a man who’s conscious of other people’s feelings is positively breath-taking. and a man who transcends the pain of his own life story? give this dude a medal.

i stood at that defining moment where i could either move toward emotional redemption and romantic health, or get sucked back into bad boy-ism and a life of needless distress. and then, i deleted his messages.

so, as i struggle to pull myself out of this deep well of sadness i remind myself that happiness is a choice…and although i can’t help but miss my dad – i can choose to remember him with a smile. and if the occasional tear slips its way out, then i choose to not feel badly about it. i just need a little time until the sad fades into the background.

*situations have been condensed & altered for anonymity’s sake

Posted on by shirindawna

attack of the 5’10” woman.

in the past couple weeks, i’ve been asked no less than ten times if i got a perm. (i didn’t).

the truth is, i’m just too lazy to straighten my hair.

i have two jobs, a boyfriend, a blog, and a bratty pup ~ there’s no time to tame these locks. i’m lucky if i manage to put my clothes on right-side out…

so, lately i’ve been rocking my big hair (and it is BIG)… oddly enough, i’ve received more hair compliments in the past few weeks, than…umm…ever. which i find hysterical because i don’t think i’ve ever spent less time on my hair.

*sigh*

i digress though…the c-c-c-c-curly locks reminded me of the sex and the city episode where they talk about the movie, “the way we were” in relation to big’s new fiancée.

side bar: i am fully aware that the modern, sophisticated girl isn’t supposed to like the aforementioned show, but i am neither modern nor sophisticated (i consider myself more of a vintage classic, read: an old lady in a younger body) and amidst the froth and frivolousness are gems of bona fide truth. and furthermore, i love the show, the fashion, the froth, and even the frivolusness.

the school of thought is there are two kinds of women:
the pretty and simple girls
the katie girls: wild, untamed, passionate, ambitious

if my hair is any indication, it’s pretty clear which category i fall into…after all, i’m sassy, opinionated, mouthy, inappropriate, challenging, have chipped nail polish, forget to wear make-up, and have seriously wild hair.

while i agree with the notion of the two types of women, i think when it comes to a break up…what’s the point of comparing?

hypothetically speaking (and this is all hypothetical, right ;)) i like to think that if it were me, i wouldn’t trouble myself with the question: why her and why not me?

frankly: who cares?
complicated/simple
curly/straight
ambitious/complacent

who really wants to be the former girlfriend of his with lingering feelings…or maybe just some sort of attachment towards him, who is spending her valuable time worrying about his life when she could be out living her own?

go shopping.
call a friend.
GO TO THE GYM.
eat a cookie.
live YOUR life.

honestly, honey, what difference does it make?

bottom line: you weren’t the one for him and it isn’t meant to be. MOVE ON.

whatever the case, that magical feeling that makes a man want to wife a woman wasn’t there. that doesn’t devalue any past relationships, it just means the relationship existed on borrowed time and eventually you found yourselves at a crossroads where you needed to decide if you were going to walk down a new path together or continue separately…you don’t usually come to that revelation until you’re at the proverbial fork in the road. sometimes that’s months into the relationship, sometimes it takes longer…

my current boyfriend and i knew very early on that this was ‘it’, but there were times when i held on longer than i needed to and fought far too hard and long for something that wouldn’t end up being right.

every relationship is a learning experience and when one ends, it’s prudent to take your lessons and move forward. sure, it’s nice to be nostalgic, but being bitter isn’t pretty. after all, ‘bitterness is a poison pill you swallow and hope the other person dies.’

i may not ever be the girl with the perfect hair or the most appropriate behavior, but i wouldn’t wanna be anyone else.

‘i don’t entirely approve of some of the things i have done, or am, or have been. but i’m me. god knows, i’m me.’ elizabeth taylor

Posted on by shirindawna

that same look.

my boy bestie has often mentioned that he thinks it’s interesting that i manage to stay friends (or at the very least, friendly) with most of my exes.

the way i see it, why wouldn’t you? once the feelings are gone and you no longer feel a magnetic pull towards the person, shouldn’t a friendship remain?

obviously, i know this isn’t always the case. both parties need to be on the same page. and sometimes there is lingering hurt…or feelings.

my very favorite ex-boyfriend is still in my life. i was very curious to see how he’d interact with my current boyfriend, since that situation can have a high potential for awkwardness. naturally, they get along great… i mean, they clearly have things in common. one thing, anyway.

it can be weird being the common denominator in a friendship type situation. exes aside, you never really know how people are going to mesh.

a few days after my old bf met my new & shiny bf he text me.

old: your man seems great. he’s a good guy and really into you, i can tell.
me: how?
old: he has that same look.
me: what look?
old: the one i had. he’s in awe of you.

it’s so SO mutual.

Posted on by shirindawna · 10 Comments

research.

WARNING: HIGH SNARK & CRAZY FACTOR

proceed at your own risk. i’m 2 cups of coffee in and i have 2 bar method classes under my belt.

some call it ‘stalking,’ i call it ‘love.’

my best friend recently met a girl. he likes the girl. he told me her name and within 5 minutes, i had messaged him 3 photos of her.

i won’t lie, i engage in some mild to moderate facebook stalking from time to time.

the victims are typically:
a) ex-boyfriends
b) ex-girlfriends of current boyfriends

i can openly admit this now since the guy is no longer in my life…but i was on a mission one day to track down a photo of the guy i was dating’s (we’ll call him ernie*) ex-girlfriend. let me walk you through the crazy of my mind.

my first course of action was to find ernie on facebook, which i couldn’t do…he’s unsearchable. (so am i, sneaky move). i’m smarter than that though, i found his sister. which led me to him, HA!

and then, i looked through each of their friend lists to find friends they had in common. i didn’t know his ex-girlfriends name. just where she lived and her ethnicity. lo and behold, after a few clicks: i found my girl.

and then another dead end. her photo was of a child**. maybe a niece? sorta cute. mostly irritating.

but now i was armed with a name. so, i did what any intelligent researcher would do. i googled imaged her. no luck. couldn’t figure out which cute or not-so-cute face it could be.

after some more hunting i figured out where she worked…

…found her linkedin profile. and no photo! (don’t judge me, i am CURIOUS)

seriously, this chick was killing me.

although, during my delving i did find one of his previous ex girlfriends. currently married and still very much interested in him…she was on a reality tv show. not that cute (she didn’t hurt my eyes, but i am definitely easier to gaze upon). (i’m allowed to be a snot, she was bratty about me dating him ~ jealousssssssss. i am seriously snarky today). i felt fully justified in my scrutiny of her since she asked him for a photo of me and after being grouchy about someone dating her ex, she finally conceded to my looks. i mean, when your ex-boyfriend dates someone who is cuter than you there isn’t much you can say…

and then with a more recent victim, i sent the following email to a friend: i’m stalking their facebook. unblocked photos. i’m making a ‘research’ folder and emailing you photos when i’m done.

the internet is so bad for me!

i think it is evident that i am a lunatic.

…though an honest one.

*NOT his real name
**she has since updated her facebook profile pic to one of her, and i’m not impressed. or disgusted. he could do better. in fact, he did.

Posted on by shirindawna

no explanation necessary.

and yet i’m going to provide one.

because i want to clear the air. and give someone the attention he is BEGGING for.

so, here’s the story.

not too long ago i was contacted by an old flame. he asked me out. it came at an odd time for me, the day prior i had decided to take a break from boys & dating, but my curiosity got the better of me. and i went.

a quick foray into my past. this was the guy that i crushed on from ages 12-16ish. my girlfriends and i backstabbed each other over him. we plotted and schemed to get his attention. he was the first boy i ever smooched like the parisians. and most importantly, the very first boyfriend i ever said ‘i love you’ to. granted, i had no clue what that meant, but still… you can see why i’d be curious.

now that you’re caught up, let me walk you through some highlights of our date:

he had made a reservation +1
he already had an idea of what he wanted to order from perusing the menu online (i like planners) +1
he dropped and shattered his water glass +1 (i like it when people are clumsier than i am – it’s rare)
he has a beer -1 (i’m into sober dates, i’m a nerd)
he makes a book suggestion +1
he mentions his ex-girlfriend +0 (we all have pasts)
he mentions his ex-girlfriend negatively -5 + a RED FLAG (you’re either over it and have worked past it or you haven’t)
he has has another beer -5
he orders sake -5 (now, i LOVE sake, but he’s driving…)
he has another beer -5 + RED FLAG (a couple drinks is fine, but frat guy alert!)
he has ANOTHER beer -10

i wasn’t feeling super romantically interested, but i WAS feeling nostalgic. it was nice to catch up with him and chat so when he suggested we go across the street to get a drink, i agreed. although, if you know me at all, you know i am not a drinker (unless i’m on vacation)… so, i was drinking water. he switched to whiskey. or maybe it was scotch? don’t know. don’t care.

he proceeded to have 3 or 4 more drinks. -34524536456767 (you’re on a date, buddy! not at a college party)
the kicker is his mention of past relationships where things have gone wrong…and how he always seems to be the rebound guy. (i understand lousy luck in love, but i also understand learning from the past and being better instead of bitter)

eventually, we walk back to his car where i suggest that perhaps taking a cab would be smart.
he agrees.
then quickly changes his mind and decides to drive. – all the points in the bank of shirin and my respect

i don’t have a ton of dealbreakers, but drinking & driving is in the top 5. i’ve never ever done it. and i won’t. it’s reckless and plain stupid.

the next day, he text me to let me know he was alive and to apologize for his drunken behavior. i figured he was probably nervous and maybe i was being too harsh, but i wasn’t sure i wanted to see him again. at least, not romantically.

we had lunch the following week. i still wasn’t feeling that silly little spark…but i wanted to. i really really wanted to… to be fair, i will admit that i wasn’t sure if it was him or just where i was at that resulted in my feelings of ‘meh’. when i’m single, i become selfish with my free time and don’t care to make much effort when it comes to dating…

in that time i wrote a blog about dating and how i was souring of it though i do have a desire to be in a relationship…

i received the following email from him in response:
S.D.

I for the longest time have had a similar fantasy regarding a desire to skip the dating part of relationships and fast forward right to the “30 minutes of mandatory morning cuddling”, “can you walk the dog while I get ready”, “love ya, see you tonight” part. But alas, it can’t be done. There’s just no way to skip the awkward part, the part where we ask each other what we do, where we’re headed, what our pets names are. Yeah, I miss the comfort of someone I can count on, lets me cook for them, makes me laugh, and reluctantly comes along on one of my random little day adventures but once that level of commitment and comforts been reached, sadly there’s no going back. I’m gonna know what you look like without your make-up on (and secretly love it). You’re going to know my bad habits, and that my breath isn’t exactly a refreshing summer breeze first thing in the morning. We’re going to argue over the way I said something to the store clerk, and I’m going to be resentful of your friends for taking too much of your time. You’re going hate that I laugh uncontrollably every time I see an AFLAC commercial, and that I slowly creep up on red lights instead of coming to a complete stop. You’ll find it ridiculous that I talk to my truck like a person and ask her how her day was.

But for now, who knows maybe forever…. I hope you’ll find my silly obsession with talking animals charming, you’ll find it cute I love my truck so much, and you just can’t wait to introduce me to your friends! You’ll beam the first time the store clerk tells us were so cute together, and I’ll run to the bathroom to brush my teeth before you ever knew I was gone. There’s just no way I want to miss a minute of the adolescence in this relationship and look forward to every awkward and refreshingly new moment.

But that’s all a long way off seeing as how we haven’t really gotten past lunch and I seemed to perfectly play the part of the beer chugging frat guy blundering myself into every possible cliché I could find. Might as well have a tribal tattoo on my arm and show off how many push-ups I could do right there at the dinner table. Your desire to want more from life than a headache and a painfully depleted bank account every Sunday morning is refreshing to say the least. Just had to get it all off my chest. Hope to see you Tuesday.

it was sweet. it was sincere. and it was what i needed to push me forward into agreeing to another lunch date.

in the following weeks our conflicting schedules and (let’s be real) my lack of sincere interest and desire to share my free time didn’t allow us to see each other.

eventually (after some persistence on his part) i made some free time for lunch again… although on the day of our date, something came up last minute and i had to reschedule to the following day.

we were supposed to get together around 2pm the next day and being the little piglet i am, i know i can’t wait that long for lunch. so i mention this to him (via text)…and ask him if he’d like to do something else. no response.

i text him to ask him what he’s thinking for the next day. radio silence.
before i went to bed, i sent him another message about our plans. still nothing.

this is UNHEARD of for me. i don’t typically even contact boys, but 3 unanswered texts?!

the next morning i talk to a friend and make plans for that afternoon. i text him to let him know that since i hadn’t heard from him i made other plans.

later that day he texts me ‘i’ll pick you up @ 2:10 at your work’ (do NOT get me started on the incongruous use of ‘@ vs. at’)

i let him know i wasn’t working and that i made other plans when i didn’t hear back and he starts to get rude and cusses at me.

that was it for me. enough red flags, i’m out! so, i let him know that i’m taking myself out of the dating game for a bit.

after he ‘whatever’s me he says ‘Its not dating. It was a fucking picnic which i just spent alot of time on this morning getting together… But its fine. Nice know in ya’

for starters, A LOT IS TWO WORDS. (pet peeve).

and you’re passive aggressive and i am obscenely turned off. then he makes some mention about how now he has to eat both sandwiches that he made. umm. ok. what did he expect there? oh, you made two sandwiches?! i didn’t know! yes, let’s hang out!

i don’t think so, buddy.

i don’t do passive aggressive. and i have expectations about respectful behavior. even in early courtship. ESPECIALLY in early courtship, actually. i mean, i don’t think you even get to really know someone for a few months, until then you’re just dating their best representative, but if this is who is showing up this early on…then, seriously. NO THANK YOU.

he contacts me again in the next few days to ask me if a blog posting is about him.
a) i don’t even know which blog he’s talking about.
b) it isn’t.
c) i haven’t blogged about him since discovering he reads my blog. and because it wasn’t interesting enough for me to put time into it… and most importantly, because my heart wasn’t in it.

i let him know that if he’s going to obsessively check my blog, he should probably get over himself.

then, i was afforded some peace. and it was nice.

till last night…

he commented on my last blog. rudely. and while i would typically ignore this cry for attention, i thought i should indulge him…

when i told him i was taking myself out of the dating game, i didn’t really provide a reason…because i think it’s arbitrary.

but maybe this will give him the closure he needs to close this chapter and move forward?

best of luck, old friend.

the end.