Posted on by shirindawna

give me your hand.

i am sitting beside my baba. the man who always seemed larger than life to me. invincible.

he is unresponsive. no longer able to speak, open his eyes, or even swallow. though i know he still hears me…

yesterday he was marginally better. as i read to him he managed to whisper the words “give me your hand” and every time i told him i loved him, he would move his lips to reply. even though the only sound that escaped was a faint groan, i have no doubt that he was saying it back.

even though my dad and i spent the better part of most of our conversations expressing our love for each other, i would still give anything to hear him say the words again.

he is a wonderful, remarkable, inspiring man and i am so blessed to not only know him, but to be able to call him my baba.

he was just paid a visit by his hospice social worker and she told me that in all her time doing what she does, she has never met anyone who showed such gratitude and courage in spite of what he was facing. she said he has a strong will and is a true role model.

it is hard to believe that just a couple days ago i was fortunate enough to witness a large smile spread across his face when my best friend came to see him…he was able to tell her that he had missed her & that he loved her.

the day before that he brought my hand to his lips and kissed it before telling me he loved me more than life. witnessing his decline has been the greatest challenge i have ever faced.

in the last week he did his best to prepare us for the time when he is no longer (physically) with us. he also told me that i was opinionated and while he considered that a good thing, i would encounter people throughout life and that i should be gentle with them. he said “these are just the words from a father to a daughter…for the future”

…a future that seems to have a big gaping hole in it without my sweet baba.

my #1 fan.

and the man that taught me what it means to love. unconditionally.

something i hope i am able to pass along.

i will miss him dearly, but i revert back to the physics knowledge that he frequently tried to instill in me…”energy cannot be created nor destroyed…” and i take comfort in knowing that he will always be with me. in my heart. and in my head.

but for now…i am giving him all the kisses and hugs i can.

Posted on by shirindawna · 2 Comments

you’ve gotta update your fairytale, baby.

‘you live in a fantasy world’ my mom said to me about 4 years ago when i described my ideal relationship/partner to her.

‘you won’t find that. sometimes you need to train them’ my cousin advised after telling her what i wanted in a mate.

i bring a lot to the table. and i expect the same. so, while i love & respect both these women, as the eternal optimist, i refused to settle. and THANK GOODNESS.

i don’t remember the first place i was when i began to dream of the boy that would someday tell me he loved me…but i knew immediately when i first felt ‘it’.

‘falling in love consists merely of uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.’

the complete surrender of your heart & feelings to someone else is unnerving, but more gratifying than anything i’ve ever felt. magical.

i can’t explain the serenity that comes from knowing your heart is in the best possible hands & exactly where it’s meant to be. so, i’ll say what it seems i’ve been saying repeatedly: i’m happy.

and living my fairytale.

Posted on by shirindawna

first things first.

i love how when my dad and i talk on the phone the first thing he says (after hello) is ‘i love you.’

most people wait till the end of the conversation to slip in the sentiment, but not baba.

it’s the first thing out of his mouth when he sees me, as well.

i love that he’s the reason i love books. he gifted me more love than i ever knew was possible and with other people’s words.

i’ve never had a bigger fan or a more emphatic cheerleader.

i don’t know how i got so lucky.

..but i’m damn grateful for my great fortune.

i love you back.

Posted on by shirindawna

taboo.

hot on the heels of my previous posts, i’m remembering funny things from my childhood. when i was growing up my mom didn’t approve of me saying two things:

hate.

and

shut up.

i was allowed to say that i didn’t like something at all, but the H-word was forbidden. also okay to say was ‘please, be quiet’ – which does NOT have the same emphatic tone that ‘SHUT UP!’ does.

cussing was never an issue, but these two things if ever uttered would get me in DEEP trouble. (although the joke was on my mom, she’d put me in time out and i’d take a nap)

i still feel a twinge of guilt when saying i hate something. and i’m appalled when i hear ‘shut up’. this may come as a shock to even my best friends who know me as being crass with a little too much sass. i’ll drop the C-bomb no problem, but find ‘hate’ to be a little too harsh.

go figure.

see mom? i listened a little bit.

Posted on by shirindawna

mac daddy.

i was on gchat sunday night when i got a message from my dad (who will from this point forth be referred to as ‘baba’ because that’s what i call him).

baba: i got a mac.
me: your life is about to get better!
baba: i don’t know how to turn it off.
me: (laughing) do you see an apple in the top left corner?
baba: i don’t see anything. i’m running galaxy.
me: what do you see when you look up?
baba: sky.
me: (dying laughing) really? not ceiling? you should get your roof checked.
baba: and stars.
me: (laughing even harder. my dad is FUNNY!) hahahaha!
baba: i’m not joking.
me: oooooh! galaxy. i get it.

here i was thinking my dad was being a smartass. i was so proud. and amused.

oh well. at least he has a mac now.