hello darkness, my old friend.
one thing i’ve noticed over the years is how any loss sends me into a spiral where i’m experiencing all my losses again. i can’t tell where one loss ends and another begins. i first noticed it after the breakup following my dad’s passing. and again with then the breakup after that…but it’s not the same, is it? with a breakup there’s a choice. there’s no choice when it comes to death. and yet.
and yet…
they intertwine.
loss of a relationship.
loss of a parent.
loss of a pregnancy.
loss of trust.
loss of innocence.
it’s all profound loss.
i walked through cancer with my baba and then experienced it myself. two very different experiences with two very different outcomes. and yet, that c word takes me to my knees every time i hear it.
it’s been over 12 years since my dad passed…and 8 years since my own diagnosis. some days it feels like another lifetime, some days it feels like yesterday. time and space warp and merge, each subsequent loss stacks on top of the ones that came before. the pain is deep, isolating, and indescribable. there’s a heaviness to the unresolved feelings.
everyone claims it gets easier. with time, space, and peace, we heal. everyone is a psychic when you’re sad.
but it’s not true…the grief never shrinks; you just grow around it. and since grief is love maybe that’s the best we can hope for?
it leaves me to wonder, with all this loss, the old and the new…
is all lost?
to have and to hold.
me: i just want a peaceful life.
also, me: there’s nothing i love to hold more than a grudge.
reckless.
because sometimes, the most reckless thing you can do with your heart, is not being reckless with it.
slowly at first, then all at once.
i have learned, and am still learning, that things don’t always happen the way you think they will. or the way you expect. or sometimes, the way you wish they would…
and in my lessons, i have been taught time and time again that there is always a perfectly good reason why.
i never believed in love at first sight.
i certainly wasn’t expecting to find it…
and yet, yesterday i was struck.
it was intense.
it was immediate.
and it was incredible.
never before have i felt so much emotion and (simultaneously felt) completely at peace. it is a heady combination.
and i am enamored.
…all at once.
sdinsd 