Posted on by shirindawna

fearless in pursuit of my pen.

leaving the corporate world wasn’t part of my plan. it wasn’t a carefully calculated career move or a strategic pivot. it was a leap of faith, a decision born out of a deep longing for something more meaningful in life.

for years, i navigated the intricacies of the corporate environment, meetings that seemed to go nowhere, endless email chains, and office politics that often left me feeling drained. don’t get me wrong; i learned valuable skills and met incredible people along the way. but somewhere along the line, i started to feel like i was losing myself in the hustle and bustle of it all.

the tipping point came when i realized that my work was no longer fulfilling. the paycheck was nice, of course, but it wasn’t enough to sustain my happiness. i craved a sense of purpose, a deeper connection to my work and its impact on the world around me.

leaving secular work was a daunting decision. there were moments of doubt and uncertainty. would i regret walking away from the stability and routine of corporate life?

but those fears were outweighed by a profound sense of relief. stepping away from the corporate world felt like shedding a heavy coat i had been carrying for far too long. suddenly, i had the freedom to explore new passions, to reconnect with neglected interests, and to prioritize my well-being.

now, looking back on those initial moments of transition, i can confidently say that leaving was the best decision i could have made. i rediscovered the joy of simplicity, of spending time with loved ones, of pursuing hobbies that truly ignite my soul, of savoring quiet moments of reflection.

gone are the days of navigating office politics and striving to meet arbitrary metrics. instead, i focus on projects that align with my values and contribute to causes i believe in. whether it’s freelance work, creative pursuits, or simply taking time to recharge, each day feels like a step closer to living authentically.

leaving secular work has taught me valuable lessons about resilience and courage. it’s shown me that happiness isn’t found in climbing a corporate ladder or accumulating wealth, but in aligning your life with what truly matters to you.

initially, i had hang-ups about relying on someone else for financial support. i feared losing my sense of independence and self-sufficiency. but over time, i’ve come to see it differently. our partnership is about mutual support and shared goals, where we complement each other’s strengths and aspirations. it’s not about dependency but about building a life together that prioritizes happiness and fulfillment over societal expectations of success.

if you’re considering a similar path, whether by choice or circumstance, i encourage you to listen to that inner voice urging you toward change. embrace the unknown, trust in your abilities, and have faith that life has a way of unfolding in unexpected, beautiful ways.

as i continue on this journey of self-discovery and growth, i am grateful for the opportunity to redefine success on my own terms. leaving the corporate world wasn’t part of my plan, but it has led me to a place of genuine happiness and fulfillment. and for that, i am profoundly grateful.

Posted on by shirindawna

storybook love.

once upon a time, i met a boy. he seemed perfect. attractive, attentive, romantic…i thought he was exactly what i needed. looking back now, i realize i may not have been completely over the one before him. i wanted to be. so, our whirlwind courtship was welcomed with open arms. he said everything i wanted to hear… (here are some snippets)

I truly think we will define “power couple” BTW.

If I’m being honest, my four letter “L” word is quickly morphing into something other than “like”. I’m resistant but it’s (you are) truly overpowering. I don’t know how much longer I can hold back.

Is that even normal after what… A week-ish?!

We have always been on the same page. It’s a page I never want to turn, even as we turn the pages of our life. You are the first woman with whom I’ve been so eager to see, do, know, touch, taste, & hear everything with for the rest of my days.

I know that’s a whole lot but it is what it is & I’m not ashamed.

For me it was the flash snapshot of you, looking at me, in a wedding dress. While that’s never happened to me EVER before, my mind said I should be freaked out, but all I wanted was to see it on real life. Strapless, hair up, natural makeup, medium length train… Everything & everyone else was a blur. I think it was a premonition, a sign.

This is getting way too long so I’ll stop for now. I’ll have the rest of my life to tell you how wonderful you are

It’s what true “L” is supposed to be. Took me 32.25 years to find it & I’m not looking backwards or forwards, just into your eyes.

I hate that you are thinking exactly what I’m thinking at the exact same moment. I won’t say “it” via text but I’m very confident & certain you’re the one. I’m excited, exhilarated, passionate, challenged, motivated… All by looking in your eyes, touching your skin, reading to you… Never leave me, “L” me forever & I promise to do the same.

All this in such a short time. I feel like we’re an old movie script. We’ve talked about kids names, I can almost see their faces (wild to realize); how about Taylor (F) & Roman (M) to start?

so, yeah…i swooned. i wanted it to be real.

when he met one of my besties and her husband for the first time, he went on and on about how the way he feels about me should redefine love in the dictionary. and about how we are meant to be together. and about our kids. and on and on…until my bestie said ‘this is the most forward thinking conversation i’ve ever been a part of.’

which made me think…but only for a second – because he was seriously dreamy. and i was ready to dive in.

which made me ignore red flags. (seriously hindsight, you’re SUCH a bitch)

and to be fair (to myself), he did a really good job of hiding some serious issues. and i did an even better job of pretending they weren’t that big of a deal.

there were times when i’d ask him what made him happy and what he liked…and he couldn’t answer. he didn’t know. he hadn’t ever cultivated an identity of his own. so, i encouraged him to discover who he was.

i thought if he didn’t know who he was, he couldn’t know what he wanted for the future. and that scared me. i wanted to be with someone who KNEW what they wanted…not just said what they thought they were supposed to.

on that same vein, i suggested we stop focusing on these future landmarks and just enjoy our present time together. he always agreed. and then we’d revert back to future planning within days.

when we first started dating, i told him about how i loved my alone time. time to write, reflect, and just be. he said he was fine with it. the first time i took a night to myself to write he showed up at my door. unexpectedly. it took me a minute to get to the door and by the time i did, he was gone. and i had an irate message on my voicemail. the next time i went to his home he showed me a dent in the freezer. he punched it that night thinking i was with someone else.
i stopped writing.

i have a group of close besties who mean the world to me. and i don’t see them as often as i wish… so, when we would spend time with them he would end up feeling neglected. and acting out. like a child. i’m talking temper tantrums, drinking himself into oblivion, and one time actually striking me (he claimed it was an accident…and i believed him).

there were friends that i never wanted to introduce him to – because i knew they’d see through him. and it wasn’t a reality i was ready to accept.

looking back now, it seems ridiculous that i stuck around. it doesn’t sound like something i would put up with…but i did. we’d have an issue, i’d start wondering if we should be together. he’d say all the right things. i’d carry on with him… i thought we were working through problems really well.

until i realized that they were the same issues that kept coming up. we weren’t working through anything, he was just playing the part that he was trained to play. reciting his lines. and in the beginning, it was enough for me.

when he first suggested moving in together, i was against it. i didn’t want to move in with anyone until i was engaged. so, we looked at rings. and he asked for my dad’s permission to marry me. just a couple weeks before i lost my dad, i gained a new roommate.

i’m glad he was there in that time. i was a shell of a person. my dad was my world. i still have trouble describing the pain in losing him…when we were in public, my boyfriend was perfect. he was affectionate. and attentive. and charming.

at home, he didn’t have any idea how to talk to me about how i was feeling. i told him i understood. and that i wouldn’t know what to do either. and i’d love if he could just hug me.

he started drinking every night. something i think he was doing before we moved in together…but it was easier to hide.

i asked him about it.
he became defensive.

we started growing apart.
i felt it. i knew it was happening.
i blamed myself.
he felt pressure to live up to my dad’s memory.
i just wanted a partner.
i tried to talk to him about it…
he became defensive.

in his world, acknowledging problems was not allowed. admitting our relationship wasn’t perfect was not okay with him.
i told him fights would happen…and we would need to work through them if we wanted to get to the other side.
he didn’t agree. he said relationships should just flow. there should be no discord.
i loved his idealism.

but i knew better.

relationships are where your issues arise..and where you have to face them. being alone is easy.
he wanted easy.

i went to visit my best friend on the east coast. she has two gorgeous kids. and a husband. during my time out there i realized more strongly than ever how much i wanted a family. my priorities had shifted after losing my dad, but being in the thick of it – i knew i wanted it. and sooner than later. i loved the temper tantrums, the negotiating, the reliving of my childhood through her kids.

when i got back to town, he noticed a change in me. i told him where i was at. the absolute terror on his face told me everything i needed to know… we were broken up within weeks.

after the split, i discovered that he had fidelity issues. (remember my mention of him wanting easy? he got it! she was the epitome of easy.) my friends focus on this as the reason for our break up. it was certainly an underlying factor, but the split was inevitable.

we want different things. the hardest part of letting go was knowing that my dad would never meet whoever i would end up with, that was unfathomable to me.

i had a hard time accepting that my storybook ending wasn’t going to come true. that my fantasy was just that: something made up.

it’s an exact replica of a figment of my imagination. looking back, there’s the terrible weight of memory, but also a love story.

Posted on by shirindawna · 2 Comments

the letter you don’t send.

it seems appropriate to end something the same way it started. with a ‘letter you don’t send.’

dear crash & burn,

i love the way you sleep with a pillow over your face to block out the world.

i hate that i’m part of the world you’re now blocking out.

i miss you. i miss the way you pushed me to write. i miss the way you encouraged me to continue writing when i would get frustrated. i miss our conversations. i miss our texts throughout the day. i miss your laugh. i miss hearing the way you tell a story. i miss listening to you talk about things you’re passionate about. i miss the way you write. i miss making fun of the world with you. i miss trying to one up each other. i miss eating candy with you. i miss your book suggestions. i miss the way i felt when i was with you. i miss touching you. i miss sleeping next to you. i miss how satisfied you looked after flossing your teeth. i miss kissing your shoulder as i lay next to you. i miss kissing you. i miss the way i could tell you anything.

…until i couldn’t.

the moment the L bomb was dropped, you changed.

and then everything changed.

you went from warm, funny, considerate, thoughtful, and sweet to withdrawn, inconsistent, doubtful, and full of fear.

i went out on a limb and said i thought i was falling in love with you. and i wouldn’t take it back because at the time i was feeling it. but the truth is, i could never fall completely with someone who didn’t feel the same way about love as i do. in my eyes, love is…the only thing that matters. and the only thing worth fighting for.

which is why i let you have your space. and time to think things over. but in that space i realized some important things too.

i think you’re an amazing guy and while i was beginning to fall, it was more like a branch breaking off a tree than tiiiiiiiiiimber…if things had gone differently, i have no doubt i would have gotten there quickly.

which is why i’m glad i saw the red flags now. with more time comes deeper feelings and investment. and that would have made things even more difficult.

i believe that in your last email you were as honest with me as you could be. allow me to be honest with you, you still haven’t healed from your past relationship. you still have hurt and fears and anguish that you haven’t worked through. all those issues are coming up now. i hope you are able to deal with them so you are able to move on with an open heart.

that ‘gray area’ you mentioned…it only exists in your head. the reason it feels so easy is because it is. we’re compatible. you feel familiar, and yet exciting at the same time to me, it’s a wonderful feeling ~ i’m thankful i got to experience it. and yet even though it was all so great, you can’t help looking for something wrong. some reason to grasp onto for why this can’t be right. there’s good stuff here, i believe i could be perfect for you.

regrettably, your emotional disconnection has showed me that the person you are right now isn’t perfect for me. we are so similar and yet more different than i ever imagined.

when standing at the fork in the road we chose different paths. you picked the one that leads to more of the same. it’s a safer journey, in many respects, but typically leads to an all too familiar disappointment. the path i chose leads to freedom from the past & the very real possibility of love in the future. the road of the unknown. to you, it’s intimidating & frightening. to me, it’s a no brainer.

i blamed myself for ‘scaring you away’, but truthfully you can only scare someone away who is already scared.

the best advice i got came in the wise words of my cousin (who is more like the sister i never had & always wanted):

‘I think the fact that he is withdrawing now, and even his initial reluctance to get involved speaks volumes about who he is right now. He doesn’t feel to me to be someone ready for a serious, committed relationship with you. In order to make a long distance relationship work (any relationship), the readiness has to be there on both sides. Without it, true intimacy is elusive and fleeting. Even when a person thinks they are ready, but still has a good deal of unresolved fear, it interferes and rears its ugly head in the worse possible situations and moments. I think he did you a favor by showing you this early. I have learned repeatedly (I pray I am done learning this painful lesson) to heed the red flags. He is offering you one. Even if he contacts you, I would be very careful with this one. I have been on both sides of this dynamic more times than I care to remember, and many times I prolonged the struggle by hoping it was going to magically change and by focusing on the good aspects of the relationship. In the end, none of the good outweighs the potential pain of simply not being on the same page. Had he stayed engaged after expressing where he was at, I think I would feel differently. I don’t like that he didn’t even send a text, wishing you a safe trip home, or sending some small kindness your way. I understand about needing space to sort out his feelings, but I believe that in a healthy dynamic, one does not exclude the other. I would take this much disconnection as a sign.’

we are not on the same page.
you aren’t ready to be in a relationship. and it has little to do with distance.
you’re not available. emotionally.

and it’s been a really tough pill to swallow.

it’s rare for me to click with someone in the way we did.

i’ve never been the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve…or maybe i always was, but i wasn’t brave enough to show it?

i have no regrets about any of this. i had a ton of fun. and as a person, i think you’re fantastic. (this may be trite) but i really do wish you the best.

xx.

~ sd

Posted on by shirindawna · 3 Comments

a moral dilemma.

i have a shopping problem. there i said it. i admit it. i own it (or want to – if i can wear it!). it’s no secret that the shopaholic books are my absolute favorite (before they ruined them by making that atrocious movie!). sadly, i find them completely relatable, hilarious, and oh-so-very-true! (sophie kinsella ~ call me! let’s be bff.) anyway, i digress…

now i have an even bigger problem (no, it isn’t my lack of employment. or funds). one of my favorite (and ridiculously overpriced) stores recently made an error (in my favor ~ i know, i thought that was a myth that only happened in ‘chance’ cards in monopoly) and i now own a pair of $100 pants that i didn’t pay for. i can’t bring myself to wear the pants…and i haven’t yet taken them back (i know i should…right?!) so, what do i do?

i mean, i spend lots and lots of money at this store and they do have an outrageous mark up on their items…
but, i can’t reconcile that justification with the fact that i know the right thing to do would be to take them back…
oooor do i just pay it forward and give the pants to a friend??

help,
a confused shopaholic.

Posted on by shirindawna · 1 Comment

i’d do anything for love.

i’m a giver.

in a relationship (and i don’t just mean romantic), i will give and give and give…

it’s just what i do.

my ex-bf said it makes me who i am and it’s what makes me comfortable in my skin. i don’t know about the last part, but the way i see it. if i can help someone i care about, why wouldn’t i?

the problem i’ve seen with givers (and i may be projecting a little here…) is knowing your limits. i’m typically great with boundaries and limits…EXCEPT when i’m in love or when dealing with a close friend/family member.

unfortunately, i’ve encountered people who just take. all the time. it’s like they only have a ‘receive’ button – and no ‘send’. these people are exhausting. mentally and emotionally. they’ll drain your energy and your patience. for any relationship to work, there needs to be a back and forth. otherwise, resentment starts to creep in. also, if you’re the only one giving, you’re never allowing the other person to give to the relationship and you aren’t giving yourself a chance to experience the other side.

bottom line: if you’re giving, make sure the other person is too. don’t fall into the trap of dealing with people that deplete your energy, patience, and desire to help others!

now. go forth into the world and make it better!