Posted on by shirindawna · 1 Comment

a year and a day.

i woke up (not so uncharacteristically) early this morning.

like every sunday morning, i thought about what i would be doing with my dad today.

i plopped down at my computer to write and found myself flooded with thoughts of him, but couldn’t find the right words to convey my feelings.

i started rummaging through old files and found this, dated 4/13/12:

i woke up this morning and planned to go to the gym, but instead i started to write…

and i wanted to write about the thing that i had been avoiding writing about: my dad’s cancer.

sunday was always our day. my brother, him, and me. it seemed appropriate that sunday would be the day i’d confront my dad’s mortality and put my thoughts to paper.

but i couldn’t do it.

and i became frustrated.

and so instead i cried.

i hate how easily the tears flow when the words won’t.

and while the overtones are sad, it didn’t make me blue.

sure it’s sunday, and sure it’s the day i miss baba most, but that’s ok.

i can’t change it, and that’s ok.

it wouldn’t change the fact that I still miss my dad almost a year later. or that i would still miss him a little bit every single day. it also wouldn’t change the fact that at every bit of laughter, every soccer game, every sunday, every fight with my mom, every accomplishment, every disappointment, and everything in between, i still close my eyes and wish that he were next to me. and, well, that’s ok.

on a recent trip with my girlfriends i cried to my best friend about how i missed my dad and she said ‘that’s ok.’ so simple. and so oddly liberating. i don’t think she knows how her two simple words impacted me…giving me permission to feel how i feel. even when it doesn’t feel appropriate.

so it’s sunday, i miss my dad. and i’ve learned that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve, there is only your way, and there is my way.

Posted on by shirindawna

a year of firsts.

nothing ever feels the way you imagine it will. my first birthday without my baba isn’t breaking my heart the way it has been over the last couple weeks. i miss him, but there is a sense of calm that surrounds me. a peace i had been hoping for and wasn’t expecting. now that it’s here, i’m not sure what to do with it.

at a glance, i have nothing to complain about. sitting on a patio in maui with the ocean in the distance and a sweet boyfriend snoozing away in the king size bed in our hotel room. life has been good to me. i am fortunate. and i’m grateful for everything i have. and even though i feel at peace with my dad not being around, the little girl in me still wants to call him and tell him how pretty it is here. and how much i miss him. and how i wish i could’ve been with him when he explored kauai several years back.

my dad and i always planned to come to hawaii together. maybe that’s why i felt compelled to celebrate my birthday here. it just felt right.

but here’s a little secret: running away to maui doesn’t make you forget that your dad isn’t around to celebrate your birthday. i would be lying if i said it didn’t soften the blow though. i mean, if it’s going to suck either way it may as well suck in a tropical paradise.

i feel a sense of obligation to my dad and his memory to strengthen family bonds. perhaps that is why i felt it was so important to have my boyfriend’s parents here with us? i know my dad would’ve wanted it that way. he had such admiration and regard for these people he has never even met. that’s baba though. he makes up his mind about certain ideals and blindly follows them, not to say his admiration is unwarranted, but it always amused me that the details or circumstances surrounding a situation didn’t phase him as much as the final outcome. maybe that’s why he was able to love so unconditionally. and with such pure intent. i wish i had the courage and ability to surrender myself so completely to love in the same way. that type of love may only exist from a parent to a child and perhaps that is why i haven’t experienced it…someday.

i have many things to celebrate today: the love of a good man, a wonderful brother, and great friends. and i get to celebrate my birthday in hawaii.

it isn’t a perfect picture, but there are a lot of perfect pieces.

Posted on by shirindawna

sleeping beauty.

when i was about 10 or 11 years old i went to a slumber party. we were playing some game and i was bit by the sleepy bug, so i took a pillow behind a recliner in the living room (where the game was centered) and went to sleep.

in the morning my friends said that i looked like sleeping beauty with my hair fanned out above me on the pillow and my hands crossed on my chest.

i remember that day. my normally frizzy mop manifested itself in perfect smooth waves…

it was a good hair day. (when they’re so few and far between, they’re easy to recall)

this memory came back to me a few minutes ago when i was thinking about my morning…sometime prior to 4am my boyfriend got up out of bed to go to the bathroom. i think i heard him get up and i was still half in/out of sleep when he came back.

upon his return, he cuddled up next to me to share all his delicious warmth and as he laid his arm across me to pull me a little closer i heard him whisper ‘you’re so beautiful.’

if you know me, you already know that he’s a sweetheart. i mean, really…he’s sorta perfect. feel free to throw up puppies and rainbows, it’s TRUE.

anyway, what i found so heartwarming and special about this particular moment was he thought i was asleep…he wasn’t saying it to make me feel good, he was just saying it.

…because he meant it.

and that means everything.

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

he’s seriously like a dream.

it’s moments like this that get me through the monotony of my day.

and even though i’m freeeeeeeeeezing at work, my heart is keeping me warm & cozy.

Posted on by shirindawna

you can’t outsource bragging.

so, i’m the first one to toot my own horn when appropriate (and sometimes when it isn’t).

i will be the first to admit that i’m (slightly*) narcissistic. one of my favorite things to talk about is myself. i think i’m hilarious, super interesting, and fairly fascinating (especially after a little caffeine or a couple cucumber martinis).

on the flip side, i will be the first to admit when i am bad at something. when i am wrong, i admit it. i’m brutally honest…even with myself.

especially with myself.

which leads me to this year’s resolution…while as a rule, i don’t typically believe in using the new year as an excuse to make a resolution/change, i am making an exception this year. because rules are made to be broken. and i’m a rebel (at least in my own head)

i resolve to treat myself with the same kindness that i reserve for my loved ones.

…because let’s be honest, i’m a whole lot of awesome. and i’m happy to tell you all about it.

* extremely

Posted on by shirindawna · 10 Comments

research.

WARNING: HIGH SNARK & CRAZY FACTOR

proceed at your own risk. i’m 2 cups of coffee in and i have 2 bar method classes under my belt.

some call it ‘stalking,’ i call it ‘love.’

my best friend recently met a girl. he likes the girl. he told me her name and within 5 minutes, i had messaged him 3 photos of her.

i won’t lie, i engage in some mild to moderate facebook stalking from time to time.

the victims are typically:
a) ex-boyfriends
b) ex-girlfriends of current boyfriends

i can openly admit this now since the guy is no longer in my life…but i was on a mission one day to track down a photo of the guy i was dating’s (we’ll call him ernie*) ex-girlfriend. let me walk you through the crazy of my mind.

my first course of action was to find ernie on facebook, which i couldn’t do…he’s unsearchable. (so am i, sneaky move). i’m smarter than that though, i found his sister. which led me to him, HA!

and then, i looked through each of their friend lists to find friends they had in common. i didn’t know his ex-girlfriends name. just where she lived and her ethnicity. lo and behold, after a few clicks: i found my girl.

and then another dead end. her photo was of a child**. maybe a niece? sorta cute. mostly irritating.

but now i was armed with a name. so, i did what any intelligent researcher would do. i googled imaged her. no luck. couldn’t figure out which cute or not-so-cute face it could be.

after some more hunting i figured out where she worked…

…found her linkedin profile. and no photo! (don’t judge me, i am CURIOUS)

seriously, this chick was killing me.

although, during my delving i did find one of his previous ex girlfriends. currently married and still very much interested in him…she was on a reality tv show. not that cute (she didn’t hurt my eyes, but i am definitely easier to gaze upon). (i’m allowed to be a snot, she was bratty about me dating him ~ jealousssssssss. i am seriously snarky today). i felt fully justified in my scrutiny of her since she asked him for a photo of me and after being grouchy about someone dating her ex, she finally conceded to my looks. i mean, when your ex-boyfriend dates someone who is cuter than you there isn’t much you can say…

and then with a more recent victim, i sent the following email to a friend: i’m stalking their facebook. unblocked photos. i’m making a ‘research’ folder and emailing you photos when i’m done.

the internet is so bad for me!

i think it is evident that i am a lunatic.

…though an honest one.

*NOT his real name
**she has since updated her facebook profile pic to one of her, and i’m not impressed. or disgusted. he could do better. in fact, he did.