i’ve always harbored a crush on san francisco, but it wasn’t until the weekend that i met him that i really fell in love.

i thought we wanted the same things. i hadn’t been into anyone since my last boyfriend, that relationship ended a few months prior. his last relationship had ended almost a year before. for me, it was enough time. for him, it turned out, it wasn’t.

we were only in each other’s lives for a few lovely months. i know it sounds crazy to be so hung up on a guy i knew for such a short amount of time, but i adored him, we got along perfectly, and i’ve never felt a connection like that with anyone.

he was the most intriguing person i had ever met. he was well-read, passionate, humble, hard-working, intelligent, sexy, loved his family, loved my dog, grounded, and had a laugh that i wanted to listen to forever.

he listened. he told me stories. he made me laugh. he was thoughtful. he wrote for me. he pushed me to write. we had a great time together.

i couldn’t believe my luck. i thought, finally, i found the man i’m supposed to be with! if anyone had told me that it wasn’t going to work out, i simply wouldn’t have believed it.

the L-bomb and the aftermath

one lovely day in april, i let it be known that my heart was on the line…and i was starting to fall. and just like that…everything changed.

no more phone calls. no more texting all day. radio silence for over a week. it was hard for me: being in limbo and wondering… then, there were a couple emails where he tried to explain where he was coming from and how he just wasn’t ready. i was crushed.

my friends assured me he’d come around. i thought he’d come around. he never did. it was hard to let go of hope.

i missed him. and not just because i liked having someone in my life, i missed him. i missed his stories, i missed talking to him for 4 hours and having it feel like 30 minutes, i missed laughing until my cheeks hurt, i missed the way he eased the sunday night blues, i missed fantasizing about a future…that included him.

i realize he isn’t emotionally available and this is something i need my mr. forever to be, but i would be lying if i said i didn’t hope to hear from him.

it’s a funny twist of fate since i used to be just like him. closed off. emotionally withdrawn. a shell of a person. a guy i was interested in a couple years ago said i came across as an ‘ice queen.’ i built walls that were practically impossible to scale. until i met someone who did. and he didn’t just scale them, he broke them down. completely. and opened me up. he changed me and the way i’ll view relationships forever. and i’m thankful for that. my friends always said that i was so strong and maybe i was then, but i think i’m stronger now that i’m willing to be vulnerable. and i like myself better. i’m a better friend, i’m a better daughter, i’m a better sister, i’m a better cousin, and i’m a better version of the girl i was a few years ago.

i won’t lie, putting your heart out there can be scary, but i prefer to think of it as exciting. i’ve noticed that people are quick to seek shelter behind those big walls or stay in that suit of armor for fear of getting hurt. we’ve learned that showing someone we like them, sometimes means we get hurt. so, we hide our feelings. but the feelings are still there, whether we acknowledge them or not. i’d rather wear my heart on my sleeve than to live like a robot. let’s be honest, safety can be nice and sometimes comforting, but it’s lonely in that suit of armor, shutting people out doesn’t bring you closer to love, and there’s nothing sexy about being a robot. fear isn’t my friend.

so there i was, heart and arms wide open while he was quickly walking in the other direction. he still had unresolved fears. that is something he needs to work out on his own. it has nothing to do with me and i know that, but the insecurity monster still nags at me from time to time. ‘you weren’t good enough’ ‘you aren’t worth loving’ ‘you’ll never find this again’ ~ but i am well aware that these things aren’t true. i know i’m worth it. and i know i’ll find it again. and i know it’ll be better next time. because each guy thus far has been better than the last…and i’m SO excited to meet the next one.

i’ve gone out on dates with other guys, but he remains in my head. and takes up valuable real estate in my heart. i’m still working through it and my head knows ‘if not him someone better,’ but my heart is a little slower. and a little more foolish. i’m hoping my heart catches up with my head soon.

i’ve emailed him saying i’d like to be friends…no response.

maybe i was just moony over my love of the city and that carried over onto him because he was the epitome of san francisco? maybe i have trouble admitting that it was one-sided all along and he never deserved to be on that pedestal in the first place? maybe it doesn’t really matter because you can’t change what is? even when you really, really want to.

i still feel that all too familiar pang if i am near his home or work (which are both ill placed as far as i’m concerned). i was in a cab this past weekend and happened to look out the window and found myself face to face with his building. not gonna lie, it was like taking a bullet. but in typical shirin fashion, i slapped on a smile, cranked up my ipod, and laughed at the irony of it.

i don’t regret a minute of it; it was a lovely crash and burn. and i’m happy to report that i’m still open to the very real possibility of something better. after all, ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained.’

and a cute boy once told me, ‘you can’t find the same, but you can always find better.’

cheers to that.