Posted on by shirindawna · 2 Comments

some things never change.

when i was about 3 or 4 i told my mom i wanted curly hair (which of course i have now and curse). i had lovely long hair and she took me to her friend who was a hair stylist. she CHOPPED off all my hair. it was short and curly. i hated it. i never said anything about losing the length. i just wanted beautiful, bouncy curls. she failed to deliver.

when we pulled up to our house i asked my mom if my hair would ever grow back. she said ‘of course!’
so, i told her i’d wait in the car till it did.

obviously, i didn’t quite have a grasp on how time worked…

in fact, my mom was telling me the other day that i used to ask her when i could see various family members and so she would show me on a calendar. she would count the days and at the end of the day she would X that day out to show that it had passed. well, i’m crafty. and impatient. so, i thought i could speed things along by Xing out subsequent days. she tried to explain to me that it wasn’t possible to do that, but i would just look at her absurdly and pull out my trusty (permanent) marker to prove to her that it could be done. she just didn’t know!

i’ve always been impatient. i want what i want and i want it N-O-W. my mom said i destroyed every calendar in our home with my markers and colorful X’s.

this makes me laugh because i’m still a fan of paper calendars and scribbling all over them. yes, i have a smart phone and i keep my digital calendar updated, but i insist on having a paper version as well…

i like that some things never change.

Posted on by shirindawna

i guess he was right.

way back when, i dated this guy that said if i ever cut my hair, he’d break up with me. i thought this was stupid so i chopped off my ass length hair (to chin length – i was dumb & young) and never called him again.

well, i took my dog to a new groomer over the weekend. the groomer decided to take her liberties with my pup’s adorable mane and turned him into something i can’t even bear to look at.

when i went to go pick him up, there was a creepy little rat looking thing nuzzling my ankles. i wanted to nudge him away until the lady working said ‘aww, you’re excited to see mama!’ ummmmm, WHAT?! i did a double-take. this is MY dog?! no way. couldn’t be. but then upon closer inspection i realized the big puppy dog eyes looking up at me where, in fact, my little pirate’s. i quickly looked away and told myself i wouldn’t have a breakdown at the groomer’s. i slipped the leash on him and briskly walked out to my car with the new and NOT improved pirate trying to keep up. i called my best friend in a panic and tried to get her to agree to adopt him.

she asked for a photo.

i was too embarrassed to send her one…but figured maybe she liked rats and would take this one off my hands.

it was then that it clicked. if i have an ugly child, i won’t love it. i told her this. she insisted that i wouldn’t think my child was ugly.

i disagree.

i sent my bestie a photo of the damage. i haven’t heard from her since.

i finally get what that guy was talking about…i’ve had pirate for 5 years. and i love him like he was my own child…but during this hideous hair stage, i cringe each time he trots his happy little butt up to me.

my advice? think twice when your man doesn’t want you to chop off your hair. i have kept mine long ever since. although, that guy was junk and i’m glad to be rid of him, now that i’ve walked (from the groomer to my car) in his shoes, i finally understand his point of view.

i’m traumatized.

UPDATE: my friend has since called me back.
her: ooooh, poor pirate!
me: poor pirate?! poor ME! i’m the one who has to look at him.

he’s still prancing around thinking he’s the cutest thing on the planet because that’s what he’s been hearing for 5 years. it is no longer true.

at least temporarily.

Posted on by shirindawna

impulsive.

restless.

i’ve been this way for as long as i can remember and it’s gotten me into some interesting situations. mostly involving last minute travel to random locations.

many moons ago, i had recently become single and was back in touch with a suitor that i had been entertaining prior to my relationship. he lived in nyc and invited me to visit for the weekend to watch the world cup with him. i had a brief conversation with him about how it sounded fun & by the time i got home his secretary had sent me an email with my itinerary – leaving the next morning. my flirting skills are en pointe.

it happened too quickly for me to think too much about it or the implications of spending a weekend with someone.  i packed up my bag and the next morning, i hopped on a plane.

some background: i met this guy on a trip to nyc a few years prior and we went out several times during my visit and stayed in touch over the years. i may have even seen him on subsequent visits to nyc – the details are hazy now. i do remember one particular dinner with a group of his friends where his gorgeous, indian, beauty pageant, ex-girlfriend was present. that was fun. (it actually really was. but that’s because i had a run-in with usher that night and so i couldn’t be bothered with the ex-girlfriend nonsense. also, i didn’t really care, which caused me to ignore red flags that would send me running now. oh, hindsight.)

i digress. we definitely hadn’t moved past first base (because if you know me at all, you know – i’m pretty prudish). after i arrived, he took me out for a nice dinner. i chose to overlook the fact that he was wearing a cuff bracelet and had his shirt unbuttoned about one button too low. we had a nice time and when we got back to his place we were both pretty tired so we decided to go to sleep. i went into the bathroom to change (prude style) and when i emerged in my tank top and sweats i found him sprawled on the bed covered by a blanket the size of a napkin. he was clearly topless, but i couldn’t tell if he was wearing anything under the napkin/blanket. and i wasn’t curious enough to really look. i hopped into bed as far on the opposite side as i could and tried to stick a corner of the napkin/blanket on me since i was FREEZING. he had the a/c on iceland mode. clever.

i curled up in a little ball with my back to him and eventually fell asleep only to be woken up at various points in the night from his arm draped on me. dead weight draped. it felt horrible. i was horrified that i got myself into this situation. he continued trying to touch/grope me throughout the night and i continued pretending to be asleep and scoot dangerously close to the edge of the bed. all that kept running in my head was 3 more nights of this! THREE MORE NIGHTS of fighting him off.

the next morning he woke me up at a ridiculously early time and started BLARING techno. now, i’m not a big techno fan in general (i like it for things like running, but generally NOT a fan), so you can imagine my amusement in being woken up to some hard hitting beats. i tried to disappear by covering my face with my pillow. it didn’t work. and the movement on my part prompted him to speak.

him: wake up!

me: i’m tired. need more sleep.

him: but it’s 9!

me: NOT in san diego. in san diego, it’s 6! turn this music off, it’s giving me a headache.

him: ok, i’ll put on some enya.

and he did.

it was obvious that sleep was outta the question so i agreed to get up.  i immediately jumped in the shower. while i was in there i took some deep calming breaths. they failed.

i got dressed and he went into the shower.

while he was in there, i packed up my bag. by the time he got out of the shower, i was completely ready to leave.

and i did.

i didn’t provide much of an explanation. i was young and uncomfortable and just wanted to get the h-e-l-l away from him.

i called my brother to discuss my travel options.

nerd: how much is a ticket?

me: i have no idea.

nerd: if it’s a lot, just stay there & have sex with him.

typical nerd comment.

i called up the airline and discovered that all flights to san diego were sold out for the next 2 days. i explained my situation to the woman on the phone. i told her all about the techno and the napkin/blanket. and she had me on a flight to la that evening. it cost me $5.

a little bit of my sanity.

and a lot of my naïveté.

i made my brother drive to la to pick me up and let him make fun of me the entire way home without sassing him too much in return.

i still can’t listen to enya.

i still find myself overly annoyed about indian ex-girlfriends, in particular. (especially since i’m often asked if i’m indian, i am not. i’m olive, not brown)

and that guy still wants to hang out with me.

Posted on by shirindawna

i’m not just good, i’m better.

i’ve always harbored a crush on san francisco, but it wasn’t until the weekend that i met him that i really fell in love.

i thought we wanted the same things. i hadn’t been into anyone since my last boyfriend, that relationship ended a few months prior. his last relationship had ended almost a year before. for me, it was enough time. for him, it turned out, it wasn’t.

we were only in each other’s lives for a few lovely months. i know it sounds crazy to be so hung up on a guy i knew for such a short amount of time, but i adored him, we got along perfectly, and i’ve never felt a connection like that with anyone.

he was the most intriguing person i had ever met. he was well-read, passionate, humble, hard-working, intelligent, sexy, loved his family, loved my dog, grounded, and had a laugh that i wanted to listen to forever.

he listened. he told me stories. he made me laugh. he was thoughtful. he wrote for me. he pushed me to write. we had a great time together.

i couldn’t believe my luck. i thought, finally, i found the man i’m supposed to be with! if anyone had told me that it wasn’t going to work out, i simply wouldn’t have believed it.

the L-bomb and the aftermath

one lovely day in april, i let it be known that my heart was on the line…and i was starting to fall. and just like that…everything changed.

no more phone calls. no more texting all day. radio silence for over a week. it was hard for me: being in limbo and wondering… then, there were a couple emails where he tried to explain where he was coming from and how he just wasn’t ready. i was crushed.

my friends assured me he’d come around. i thought he’d come around. he never did. it was hard to let go of hope.

i missed him. and not just because i liked having someone in my life, i missed him. i missed his stories, i missed talking to him for 4 hours and having it feel like 30 minutes, i missed laughing until my cheeks hurt, i missed the way he eased the sunday night blues, i missed fantasizing about a future…that included him.

i realize he isn’t emotionally available and this is something i need my mr. forever to be, but i would be lying if i said i didn’t hope to hear from him.

it’s a funny twist of fate since i used to be just like him. closed off. emotionally withdrawn. a shell of a person. a guy i was interested in a couple years ago said i came across as an ‘ice queen.’ i built walls that were practically impossible to scale. until i met someone who did. and he didn’t just scale them, he broke them down. completely. and opened me up. he changed me and the way i’ll view relationships forever. and i’m thankful for that. my friends always said that i was so strong and maybe i was then, but i think i’m stronger now that i’m willing to be vulnerable. and i like myself better. i’m a better friend, i’m a better daughter, i’m a better sister, i’m a better cousin, and i’m a better version of the girl i was a few years ago.

i won’t lie, putting your heart out there can be scary, but i prefer to think of it as exciting. i’ve noticed that people are quick to seek shelter behind those big walls or stay in that suit of armor for fear of getting hurt. we’ve learned that showing someone we like them, sometimes means we get hurt. so, we hide our feelings. but the feelings are still there, whether we acknowledge them or not. i’d rather wear my heart on my sleeve than to live like a robot. let’s be honest, safety can be nice and sometimes comforting, but it’s lonely in that suit of armor, shutting people out doesn’t bring you closer to love, and there’s nothing sexy about being a robot. fear isn’t my friend.

so there i was, heart and arms wide open while he was quickly walking in the other direction. he still had unresolved fears. that is something he needs to work out on his own. it has nothing to do with me and i know that, but the insecurity monster still nags at me from time to time. ‘you weren’t good enough’ ‘you aren’t worth loving’ ‘you’ll never find this again’ ~ but i am well aware that these things aren’t true. i know i’m worth it. and i know i’ll find it again. and i know it’ll be better next time. because each guy thus far has been better than the last…and i’m SO excited to meet the next one.

i’ve gone out on dates with other guys, but he remains in my head. and takes up valuable real estate in my heart. i’m still working through it and my head knows ‘if not him someone better,’ but my heart is a little slower. and a little more foolish. i’m hoping my heart catches up with my head soon.

i’ve emailed him saying i’d like to be friends…no response.

maybe i was just moony over my love of the city and that carried over onto him because he was the epitome of san francisco? maybe i have trouble admitting that it was one-sided all along and he never deserved to be on that pedestal in the first place? maybe it doesn’t really matter because you can’t change what is? even when you really, really want to.

i still feel that all too familiar pang if i am near his home or work (which are both ill placed as far as i’m concerned). i was in a cab this past weekend and happened to look out the window and found myself face to face with his building. not gonna lie, it was like taking a bullet. but in typical shirin fashion, i slapped on a smile, cranked up my ipod, and laughed at the irony of it.

i don’t regret a minute of it; it was a lovely crash and burn. and i’m happy to report that i’m still open to the very real possibility of something better. after all, ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained.’

and a cute boy once told me, ‘you can’t find the same, but you can always find better.’

cheers to that.

Posted on by shirindawna

no explanation necessary.

and yet i’m going to provide one.

because i want to clear the air. and give someone the attention he is BEGGING for.

so, here’s the story.

not too long ago i was contacted by an old flame. he asked me out. it came at an odd time for me, the day prior i had decided to take a break from boys & dating, but my curiosity got the better of me. and i went.

a quick foray into my past. this was the guy that i crushed on from ages 12-16ish. my girlfriends and i backstabbed each other over him. we plotted and schemed to get his attention. he was the first boy i ever smooched like the parisians. and most importantly, the very first boyfriend i ever said ‘i love you’ to. granted, i had no clue what that meant, but still… you can see why i’d be curious.

now that you’re caught up, let me walk you through some highlights of our date:

he had made a reservation +1
he already had an idea of what he wanted to order from perusing the menu online (i like planners) +1
he dropped and shattered his water glass +1 (i like it when people are clumsier than i am – it’s rare)
he has a beer -1 (i’m into sober dates, i’m a nerd)
he makes a book suggestion +1
he mentions his ex-girlfriend +0 (we all have pasts)
he mentions his ex-girlfriend negatively -5 + a RED FLAG (you’re either over it and have worked past it or you haven’t)
he has has another beer -5
he orders sake -5 (now, i LOVE sake, but he’s driving…)
he has another beer -5 + RED FLAG (a couple drinks is fine, but frat guy alert!)
he has ANOTHER beer -10

i wasn’t feeling super romantically interested, but i WAS feeling nostalgic. it was nice to catch up with him and chat so when he suggested we go across the street to get a drink, i agreed. although, if you know me at all, you know i am not a drinker (unless i’m on vacation)… so, i was drinking water. he switched to whiskey. or maybe it was scotch? don’t know. don’t care.

he proceeded to have 3 or 4 more drinks. -34524536456767 (you’re on a date, buddy! not at a college party)
the kicker is his mention of past relationships where things have gone wrong…and how he always seems to be the rebound guy. (i understand lousy luck in love, but i also understand learning from the past and being better instead of bitter)

eventually, we walk back to his car where i suggest that perhaps taking a cab would be smart.
he agrees.
then quickly changes his mind and decides to drive. – all the points in the bank of shirin and my respect

i don’t have a ton of dealbreakers, but drinking & driving is in the top 5. i’ve never ever done it. and i won’t. it’s reckless and plain stupid.

the next day, he text me to let me know he was alive and to apologize for his drunken behavior. i figured he was probably nervous and maybe i was being too harsh, but i wasn’t sure i wanted to see him again. at least, not romantically.

we had lunch the following week. i still wasn’t feeling that silly little spark…but i wanted to. i really really wanted to… to be fair, i will admit that i wasn’t sure if it was him or just where i was at that resulted in my feelings of ‘meh’. when i’m single, i become selfish with my free time and don’t care to make much effort when it comes to dating…

in that time i wrote a blog about dating and how i was souring of it though i do have a desire to be in a relationship…

i received the following email from him in response:
S.D.

I for the longest time have had a similar fantasy regarding a desire to skip the dating part of relationships and fast forward right to the “30 minutes of mandatory morning cuddling”, “can you walk the dog while I get ready”, “love ya, see you tonight” part. But alas, it can’t be done. There’s just no way to skip the awkward part, the part where we ask each other what we do, where we’re headed, what our pets names are. Yeah, I miss the comfort of someone I can count on, lets me cook for them, makes me laugh, and reluctantly comes along on one of my random little day adventures but once that level of commitment and comforts been reached, sadly there’s no going back. I’m gonna know what you look like without your make-up on (and secretly love it). You’re going to know my bad habits, and that my breath isn’t exactly a refreshing summer breeze first thing in the morning. We’re going to argue over the way I said something to the store clerk, and I’m going to be resentful of your friends for taking too much of your time. You’re going hate that I laugh uncontrollably every time I see an AFLAC commercial, and that I slowly creep up on red lights instead of coming to a complete stop. You’ll find it ridiculous that I talk to my truck like a person and ask her how her day was.

But for now, who knows maybe forever…. I hope you’ll find my silly obsession with talking animals charming, you’ll find it cute I love my truck so much, and you just can’t wait to introduce me to your friends! You’ll beam the first time the store clerk tells us were so cute together, and I’ll run to the bathroom to brush my teeth before you ever knew I was gone. There’s just no way I want to miss a minute of the adolescence in this relationship and look forward to every awkward and refreshingly new moment.

But that’s all a long way off seeing as how we haven’t really gotten past lunch and I seemed to perfectly play the part of the beer chugging frat guy blundering myself into every possible cliché I could find. Might as well have a tribal tattoo on my arm and show off how many push-ups I could do right there at the dinner table. Your desire to want more from life than a headache and a painfully depleted bank account every Sunday morning is refreshing to say the least. Just had to get it all off my chest. Hope to see you Tuesday.

it was sweet. it was sincere. and it was what i needed to push me forward into agreeing to another lunch date.

in the following weeks our conflicting schedules and (let’s be real) my lack of sincere interest and desire to share my free time didn’t allow us to see each other.

eventually (after some persistence on his part) i made some free time for lunch again… although on the day of our date, something came up last minute and i had to reschedule to the following day.

we were supposed to get together around 2pm the next day and being the little piglet i am, i know i can’t wait that long for lunch. so i mention this to him (via text)…and ask him if he’d like to do something else. no response.

i text him to ask him what he’s thinking for the next day. radio silence.
before i went to bed, i sent him another message about our plans. still nothing.

this is UNHEARD of for me. i don’t typically even contact boys, but 3 unanswered texts?!

the next morning i talk to a friend and make plans for that afternoon. i text him to let him know that since i hadn’t heard from him i made other plans.

later that day he texts me ‘i’ll pick you up @ 2:10 at your work’ (do NOT get me started on the incongruous use of ‘@ vs. at’)

i let him know i wasn’t working and that i made other plans when i didn’t hear back and he starts to get rude and cusses at me.

that was it for me. enough red flags, i’m out! so, i let him know that i’m taking myself out of the dating game for a bit.

after he ‘whatever’s me he says ‘Its not dating. It was a fucking picnic which i just spent alot of time on this morning getting together… But its fine. Nice know in ya’

for starters, A LOT IS TWO WORDS. (pet peeve).

and you’re passive aggressive and i am obscenely turned off. then he makes some mention about how now he has to eat both sandwiches that he made. umm. ok. what did he expect there? oh, you made two sandwiches?! i didn’t know! yes, let’s hang out!

i don’t think so, buddy.

i don’t do passive aggressive. and i have expectations about respectful behavior. even in early courtship. ESPECIALLY in early courtship, actually. i mean, i don’t think you even get to really know someone for a few months, until then you’re just dating their best representative, but if this is who is showing up this early on…then, seriously. NO THANK YOU.

he contacts me again in the next few days to ask me if a blog posting is about him.
a) i don’t even know which blog he’s talking about.
b) it isn’t.
c) i haven’t blogged about him since discovering he reads my blog. and because it wasn’t interesting enough for me to put time into it… and most importantly, because my heart wasn’t in it.

i let him know that if he’s going to obsessively check my blog, he should probably get over himself.

then, i was afforded some peace. and it was nice.

till last night…

he commented on my last blog. rudely. and while i would typically ignore this cry for attention, i thought i should indulge him…

when i told him i was taking myself out of the dating game, i didn’t really provide a reason…because i think it’s arbitrary.

but maybe this will give him the closure he needs to close this chapter and move forward?

best of luck, old friend.

the end.