it seems appropriate to end something the same way it started. with a ‘letter you don’t send.’

dear crash & burn,

i love the way you sleep with a pillow over your face to block out the world.

i hate that i’m part of the world you’re now blocking out.

i miss you. i miss the way you pushed me to write. i miss the way you encouraged me to continue writing when i would get frustrated. i miss our conversations. i miss our texts throughout the day. i miss your laugh. i miss hearing the way you tell a story. i miss listening to you talk about things you’re passionate about. i miss the way you write. i miss making fun of the world with you. i miss trying to one up each other. i miss eating candy with you. i miss your book suggestions. i miss the way i felt when i was with you. i miss touching you. i miss sleeping next to you. i miss how satisfied you looked after flossing your teeth. i miss kissing your shoulder as i lay next to you. i miss kissing you. i miss the way i could tell you anything.

…until i couldn’t.

the moment the L bomb was dropped, you changed.

and then everything changed.

you went from warm, funny, considerate, thoughtful, and sweet to withdrawn, inconsistent, doubtful, and full of fear.

i went out on a limb and said i thought i was falling in love with you. and i wouldn’t take it back because at the time i was feeling it. but the truth is, i could never fall completely with someone who didn’t feel the same way about love as i do. in my eyes, love is…the only thing that matters. and the only thing worth fighting for.

which is why i let you have your space. and time to think things over. but in that space i realized some important things too.

i think you’re an amazing guy and while i was beginning to fall, it was more like a branch breaking off a tree than tiiiiiiiiiimber…if things had gone differently, i have no doubt i would have gotten there quickly.

which is why i’m glad i saw the red flags now. with more time comes deeper feelings and investment. and that would have made things even more difficult.

i believe that in your last email you were as honest with me as you could be. allow me to be honest with you, you still haven’t healed from your past relationship. you still have hurt and fears and anguish that you haven’t worked through. all those issues are coming up now. i hope you are able to deal with them so you are able to move on with an open heart.

that ‘gray area’ you mentioned…it only exists in your head. the reason it feels so easy is because it is. we’re compatible. you feel familiar, and yet exciting at the same time to me, it’s a wonderful feeling ~ i’m thankful i got to experience it. and yet even though it was all so great, you can’t help looking for something wrong. some reason to grasp onto for why this can’t be right. there’s good stuff here, i believe i could be perfect for you.

regrettably, your emotional disconnection has showed me that the person you are right now isn’t perfect for me. we are so similar and yet more different than i ever imagined.

when standing at the fork in the road we chose different paths. you picked the one that leads to more of the same. it’s a safer journey, in many respects, but typically leads to an all too familiar disappointment. the path i chose leads to freedom from the past & the very real possibility of love in the future. the road of the unknown. to you, it’s intimidating & frightening. to me, it’s a no brainer.

i blamed myself for ‘scaring you away’, but truthfully you can only scare someone away who is already scared.

the best advice i got came in the wise words of my cousin (who is more like the sister i never had & always wanted):

‘I think the fact that he is withdrawing now, and even his initial reluctance to get involved speaks volumes about who he is right now. He doesn’t feel to me to be someone ready for a serious, committed relationship with you. In order to make a long distance relationship work (any relationship), the readiness has to be there on both sides. Without it, true intimacy is elusive and fleeting. Even when a person thinks they are ready, but still has a good deal of unresolved fear, it interferes and rears its ugly head in the worse possible situations and moments. I think he did you a favor by showing you this early. I have learned repeatedly (I pray I am done learning this painful lesson) to heed the red flags. He is offering you one. Even if he contacts you, I would be very careful with this one. I have been on both sides of this dynamic more times than I care to remember, and many times I prolonged the struggle by hoping it was going to magically change and by focusing on the good aspects of the relationship. In the end, none of the good outweighs the potential pain of simply not being on the same page. Had he stayed engaged after expressing where he was at, I think I would feel differently. I don’t like that he didn’t even send a text, wishing you a safe trip home, or sending some small kindness your way. I understand about needing space to sort out his feelings, but I believe that in a healthy dynamic, one does not exclude the other. I would take this much disconnection as a sign.’

we are not on the same page.
you aren’t ready to be in a relationship. and it has little to do with distance.
you’re not available. emotionally.

and it’s been a really tough pill to swallow.

it’s rare for me to click with someone in the way we did.

i’ve never been the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve…or maybe i always was, but i wasn’t brave enough to show it?

i have no regrets about any of this. i had a ton of fun. and as a person, i think you’re fantastic. (this may be trite) but i really do wish you the best.

xx.

~ sd