the website: i wish i was worse.
the rumors are terrible and cruel, but honey, most of them are true…
all of my enemies started out friends.
this is the story of a horrible person. i worked with her at a fitness studio and she was so filled with hate and spite that it physically pained me to be near her. i learned exactly how miserable of a person she was as i was mourning the loss of my dad. she seized the opportunity to take advantage of my sorrow and grief and used it to try and advance her standing at the fitness studio. honestly, good for her. she was a terrible instructor so get ahead how you can, loser.
my friends and i still laugh about the time she posted a gorgeous scenic photo of her hometown in the pacific northwest and i left a comment saying “you should move back there.”
she immediately blocked me.
i’m still not sorry. i regret nothing.
(maybe someday, after i stop laughing about it, i will share about how she threw herself at my ex ~ after we split ~ and he was not at all interested in her)
resting in peace.
sometimes the universe protects you from yourself.
once someone is no longer your life, it’s hard to admit that maybe they weren’t perfect…like by remembering them honestly, instead of perfectly you somehow tarnish their memory.
it was sad at first to think that i’d be raising my little one alone. and that she’d never know her dad. especially when mine was such a huge part of my life…and the person who shaped me.
…but after he was long gone, little things came to light. things that make me realize that even if he was still around, he may not be the best influence for my little one. and she deserves the best.
(no, i don’t know if it’s a girl. i’m just guessing that my affinity for pink runs through my blood. and so, i expect a girl. or a boy that loves pink)
i’m confident that i’ll be able to provide sweet pea with all the love she needs. and i’m certain that even without her father around, she’ll be showered in tons of love.
it’s disappointing to realize that he wasn’t the person i thought he was…but since he is no longer around it feels like i’m somehow expected to preserve his memory. maybe that’s an unrealistic expectation that i’m placing on myself, but i want my little one to feel loved. and she is.
in the end, it isn’t about him – or me – or what expectations and hopes there were for the future. since his expiration and the news of my little bundle, all i feel is joy. and hope. and love. and that’s all she needs. (besides my boob. which ironically, he enjoyed as well… too soon?)
anyway, he’s gone. resting in peace.
and here i am, exactly where i’m supposed to be. the twinkle in my eye is now a little sweet pea that i get to carry around all day.
i’ve never felt more love than i do when i think of my nugget… and i have no clue how i went this long without her (OR HIM! ;)) i can’t imagine how incredible it will be when i finally get to meet my little angel.
a pickle can never be a cucumber.
a couple weeks ago i found myself in the midst of a pickle. regarding a boy. one from my past. after being away for nearly 2 years, he was back in sd (the city). and wanted to be in sd (the person ~ i’m crass, get over it). and while i had real feelings for said boy at one point, i found myself fairly uninterested in a reunion.
it seemed pointless to me. and i wondered if somehow i was operating out of fear. the thought of conquering any fears and his constant insistence that we meet up led me to finally agree. he wanted to come to my place (shocking, right? scumbag alert #1). i refused. and we settled upon a smoothie place. i was ordering when he arrived. he walked up & placed his order too. i already had my wallet out. he didn’t reach for his. (scumbag alert #2). now, don’t get me wrong…when it comes to boys i could date a prince or a pauper, makes no difference to me as long as he’s genuine. but i still think he should’ve sprung for the smoothie. and i was irritated that he didn’t. i may be crass, i may be too honest, but i’m still old-fashioned. i don’t kiss on first dates and think boys should pay for things (at least in the beginning…because everyone knows once i’m yours, i’ll give you everything in the world. except anal pleasure). and i’m worth it.
i was tempted to leave, but took a deep breath and decided to make the most of my brief time with him. it was a chilly day. we were sitting outside and it got breezy. he suggested we go to my place. NOT HAPPENING. so, then he suggested we sit in a warm car. i knew what he was hoping would happen, but i had goosebumps (from the cold. not him) and so i went with it…
what he had in mind was very different from what i had in mind. and i struggled to keep the conversation platonic and neutral. he could sense my frostiness. in fact, he once referred to me as an ‘ice queen.’ hardly! my real friends know i wear my heart on my sleeve and i’m always hopeful about the potential that exists within a connection. he couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that someone wouldn’t be interested in him. news flash: it takes more than a pretty face to enthrall me. then, i saw the lightbulb go off in his head ‘you met someone.’ umm, not so much. more like i got to know myself better. and what i need. and it wasn’t what was in front of me.
it struck me that this boy that i had once been so interested in wasn’t nearly as appealing as he had been. truth be told, i didn’t find him appealing at all. (the discovery of some ‘white lies’ he told didn’t help the matter. be honest, boys! ALWAYS. or you’ll lose a great thing. namely, me.)
the cucumber had soured. and would never be the same.
more than meets the eye.
so, i am a bit (read: big, huge, giant) of a hypocrite.
i will admit. i used to cheat. on everyone.
granted…it was always on my way out of a relationship, but still. it doesn’t make it right and i don’t make excuses for my own bad behavior. it was wrong. i was wrong. and i should’ve ended one relationship before starting another. sadly, i was young and dumb and guilty of the occasional overlap.
once a cheater always a cheater? i don’t think so. at least i hope not. the recent media coverage of philandering husbands has really helped put things in perspective. i mean, what’s the point? why get married if you’re not ready to be with just one person?
what has changed me? empathy. (translation: it happened to me. and it HURT). from there i morphed into the jealous girlfriend…to the ‘do whatever you want’ girlfriend…to the ‘do what i tell you’ girlfriend..to whoever i am now (read: i’d like to explain but it’s constantly changing/evolving). the way i see it: i’d never do anything i wasn’t comfortable with my partner doing. and if he doesn’t feel the same way and is willing to jeopardize ‘all of this’ (no time for modesty, i’m the total package) then he doesn’t deserve me.
so there it is. a confession and a lesson. happy transforming!
sdinsd 