Posted on by shirindawna

addicted to the if only.

i find myself standing at the crossroads, not knowing which path to take. the weight of the decision about another pregnancy feels immense. recently, i found myself back at the fertility clinic, and now, the reality of what lies ahead is sinking in…

there’s a part of me that yearns for another child, another heartbeat to love and nurture. the idea of expanding our family, of watching our children grow up together, fills me with a sense of hope and excitement. i can picture the laughter, the chaos, the endless moments of joy.

but then, there’s the other side of the coin. the fear, the uncertainty, the what-ifs that haunt my thoughts. the journey to this point hasn’t been easy. infertility, cancer, the emotional roller coaster—it all leaves scars, seen and unseen.

…sitting in the clinic, the sterile smell, the quiet hum of machines. the doctor’s words were a mix of optimism and caution. it’s possible.

there’s a risk.

there’s a chance.

there’s no guarantee.

and so, i’m conflicted. my heart and my head are in a tug-of-war. do we risk the heartbreak, the potential for more pain? or do we hold on to what we have, cherish the life we’ve built, and accept that it might be enough?

sometimes, i wish for a clear sign, something to point me in the right direction. but life doesn’t work that way. it’s messy and uncertain, and sometimes, there are no clear answers.

weighing the pros and cons feels like trying to balance on a tightrope. i think about our past struggles, the tears, the sleepless nights, the endless waiting. can i put myself through that again? can i put us through that again?

yet, there’s that small, persistent voice inside me, whispering about possibilities, about hope. it reminds me of the strength we’ve found in each other, the resilience that’s carried us this far.

so here i am, at this crossroads, feeling the full weight of the decision. it’s not just about another pregnancy; it’s about our future, our family, our dreams.

as we navigate this uncertainty, i remind myself to breathe, to take it one day at a time. whatever we decide, it will be with love and hope at the core.

maybe the answer will come in a moment of quiet clarity, or maybe it will be a series of small steps leading us to where we’re meant to be.

for now, i hold on to the love we have, the strength we’ve shown, and the belief that, no matter what, we will find our way through.

Posted on by shirindawna

fearless in pursuit of my pen.

leaving the corporate world wasn’t part of my plan. it wasn’t a carefully calculated career move or a strategic pivot. it was a leap of faith, a decision born out of a deep longing for something more meaningful in life.

for years, i navigated the intricacies of the corporate environment, meetings that seemed to go nowhere, endless email chains, and office politics that often left me feeling drained. don’t get me wrong; i learned valuable skills and met incredible people along the way. but somewhere along the line, i started to feel like i was losing myself in the hustle and bustle of it all.

the tipping point came when i realized that my work was no longer fulfilling. the paycheck was nice, of course, but it wasn’t enough to sustain my happiness. i craved a sense of purpose, a deeper connection to my work and its impact on the world around me.

leaving secular work was a daunting decision. there were moments of doubt and uncertainty. would i regret walking away from the stability and routine of corporate life?

but those fears were outweighed by a profound sense of relief. stepping away from the corporate world felt like shedding a heavy coat i had been carrying for far too long. suddenly, i had the freedom to explore new passions, to reconnect with neglected interests, and to prioritize my well-being.

now, looking back on those initial moments of transition, i can confidently say that leaving was the best decision i could have made. i rediscovered the joy of simplicity, of spending time with loved ones, of pursuing hobbies that truly ignite my soul, of savoring quiet moments of reflection.

gone are the days of navigating office politics and striving to meet arbitrary metrics. instead, i focus on projects that align with my values and contribute to causes i believe in. whether it’s freelance work, creative pursuits, or simply taking time to recharge, each day feels like a step closer to living authentically.

leaving secular work has taught me valuable lessons about resilience and courage. it’s shown me that happiness isn’t found in climbing a corporate ladder or accumulating wealth, but in aligning your life with what truly matters to you.

initially, i had hang-ups about relying on someone else for financial support. i feared losing my sense of independence and self-sufficiency. but over time, i’ve come to see it differently. our partnership is about mutual support and shared goals, where we complement each other’s strengths and aspirations. it’s not about dependency but about building a life together that prioritizes happiness and fulfillment over societal expectations of success.

if you’re considering a similar path, whether by choice or circumstance, i encourage you to listen to that inner voice urging you toward change. embrace the unknown, trust in your abilities, and have faith that life has a way of unfolding in unexpected, beautiful ways.

as i continue on this journey of self-discovery and growth, i am grateful for the opportunity to redefine success on my own terms. leaving the corporate world wasn’t part of my plan, but it has led me to a place of genuine happiness and fulfillment. and for that, i am profoundly grateful.