Posted on by shirindawna

impulsive.

restless.

i’ve been this way for as long as i can remember and it’s gotten me into some interesting situations. mostly involving last minute travel to random locations.

many moons ago, i had recently become single and was back in touch with a suitor that i had been entertaining prior to my relationship. he lived in nyc and invited me to visit for the weekend to watch the world cup with him. i had a brief conversation with him about how it sounded fun & by the time i got home his secretary had sent me an email with my itinerary – leaving the next morning. my flirting skills are en pointe.

it happened too quickly for me to think too much about it or the implications of spending a weekend with someone.  i packed up my bag and the next morning, i hopped on a plane.

some background: i met this guy on a trip to nyc a few years prior and we went out several times during my visit and stayed in touch over the years. i may have even seen him on subsequent visits to nyc – the details are hazy now. i do remember one particular dinner with a group of his friends where his gorgeous, indian, beauty pageant, ex-girlfriend was present. that was fun. (it actually really was. but that’s because i had a run-in with usher that night and so i couldn’t be bothered with the ex-girlfriend nonsense. also, i didn’t really care, which caused me to ignore red flags that would send me running now. oh, hindsight.)

i digress. we definitely hadn’t moved past first base (because if you know me at all, you know – i’m pretty prudish). after i arrived, he took me out for a nice dinner. i chose to overlook the fact that he was wearing a cuff bracelet and had his shirt unbuttoned about one button too low. we had a nice time and when we got back to his place we were both pretty tired so we decided to go to sleep. i went into the bathroom to change (prude style) and when i emerged in my tank top and sweats i found him sprawled on the bed covered by a blanket the size of a napkin. he was clearly topless, but i couldn’t tell if he was wearing anything under the napkin/blanket. and i wasn’t curious enough to really look. i hopped into bed as far on the opposite side as i could and tried to stick a corner of the napkin/blanket on me since i was FREEZING. he had the a/c on iceland mode. clever.

i curled up in a little ball with my back to him and eventually fell asleep only to be woken up at various points in the night from his arm draped on me. dead weight draped. it felt horrible. i was horrified that i got myself into this situation. he continued trying to touch/grope me throughout the night and i continued pretending to be asleep and scoot dangerously close to the edge of the bed. all that kept running in my head was 3 more nights of this! THREE MORE NIGHTS of fighting him off.

the next morning he woke me up at a ridiculously early time and started BLARING techno. now, i’m not a big techno fan in general (i like it for things like running, but generally NOT a fan), so you can imagine my amusement in being woken up to some hard hitting beats. i tried to disappear by covering my face with my pillow. it didn’t work. and the movement on my part prompted him to speak.

him: wake up!

me: i’m tired. need more sleep.

him: but it’s 9!

me: NOT in san diego. in san diego, it’s 6! turn this music off, it’s giving me a headache.

him: ok, i’ll put on some enya.

and he did.

it was obvious that sleep was outta the question so i agreed to get up.  i immediately jumped in the shower. while i was in there i took some deep calming breaths. they failed.

i got dressed and he went into the shower.

while he was in there, i packed up my bag. by the time he got out of the shower, i was completely ready to leave.

and i did.

i didn’t provide much of an explanation. i was young and uncomfortable and just wanted to get the h-e-l-l away from him.

i called my brother to discuss my travel options.

nerd: how much is a ticket?

me: i have no idea.

nerd: if it’s a lot, just stay there & have sex with him.

typical nerd comment.

i called up the airline and discovered that all flights to san diego were sold out for the next 2 days. i explained my situation to the woman on the phone. i told her all about the techno and the napkin/blanket. and she had me on a flight to la that evening. it cost me $5.

a little bit of my sanity.

and a lot of my naïveté.

i made my brother drive to la to pick me up and let him make fun of me the entire way home without sassing him too much in return.

i still can’t listen to enya.

i still find myself overly annoyed about indian ex-girlfriends, in particular. (especially since i’m often asked if i’m indian, i am not. i’m olive, not brown)

and that guy still wants to hang out with me.

Posted on by shirindawna · 2 Comments

the letter you don’t send.

it seems appropriate to end something the same way it started. with a ‘letter you don’t send.’

dear crash & burn,

i love the way you sleep with a pillow over your face to block out the world.

i hate that i’m part of the world you’re now blocking out.

i miss you. i miss the way you pushed me to write. i miss the way you encouraged me to continue writing when i would get frustrated. i miss our conversations. i miss our texts throughout the day. i miss your laugh. i miss hearing the way you tell a story. i miss listening to you talk about things you’re passionate about. i miss the way you write. i miss making fun of the world with you. i miss trying to one up each other. i miss eating candy with you. i miss your book suggestions. i miss the way i felt when i was with you. i miss touching you. i miss sleeping next to you. i miss how satisfied you looked after flossing your teeth. i miss kissing your shoulder as i lay next to you. i miss kissing you. i miss the way i could tell you anything.

…until i couldn’t.

the moment the L bomb was dropped, you changed.

and then everything changed.

you went from warm, funny, considerate, thoughtful, and sweet to withdrawn, inconsistent, doubtful, and full of fear.

i went out on a limb and said i thought i was falling in love with you. and i wouldn’t take it back because at the time i was feeling it. but the truth is, i could never fall completely with someone who didn’t feel the same way about love as i do. in my eyes, love is…the only thing that matters. and the only thing worth fighting for.

which is why i let you have your space. and time to think things over. but in that space i realized some important things too.

i think you’re an amazing guy and while i was beginning to fall, it was more like a branch breaking off a tree than tiiiiiiiiiimber…if things had gone differently, i have no doubt i would have gotten there quickly.

which is why i’m glad i saw the red flags now. with more time comes deeper feelings and investment. and that would have made things even more difficult.

i believe that in your last email you were as honest with me as you could be. allow me to be honest with you, you still haven’t healed from your past relationship. you still have hurt and fears and anguish that you haven’t worked through. all those issues are coming up now. i hope you are able to deal with them so you are able to move on with an open heart.

that ‘gray area’ you mentioned…it only exists in your head. the reason it feels so easy is because it is. we’re compatible. you feel familiar, and yet exciting at the same time to me, it’s a wonderful feeling ~ i’m thankful i got to experience it. and yet even though it was all so great, you can’t help looking for something wrong. some reason to grasp onto for why this can’t be right. there’s good stuff here, i believe i could be perfect for you.

regrettably, your emotional disconnection has showed me that the person you are right now isn’t perfect for me. we are so similar and yet more different than i ever imagined.

when standing at the fork in the road we chose different paths. you picked the one that leads to more of the same. it’s a safer journey, in many respects, but typically leads to an all too familiar disappointment. the path i chose leads to freedom from the past & the very real possibility of love in the future. the road of the unknown. to you, it’s intimidating & frightening. to me, it’s a no brainer.

i blamed myself for ‘scaring you away’, but truthfully you can only scare someone away who is already scared.

the best advice i got came in the wise words of my cousin (who is more like the sister i never had & always wanted):

‘I think the fact that he is withdrawing now, and even his initial reluctance to get involved speaks volumes about who he is right now. He doesn’t feel to me to be someone ready for a serious, committed relationship with you. In order to make a long distance relationship work (any relationship), the readiness has to be there on both sides. Without it, true intimacy is elusive and fleeting. Even when a person thinks they are ready, but still has a good deal of unresolved fear, it interferes and rears its ugly head in the worse possible situations and moments. I think he did you a favor by showing you this early. I have learned repeatedly (I pray I am done learning this painful lesson) to heed the red flags. He is offering you one. Even if he contacts you, I would be very careful with this one. I have been on both sides of this dynamic more times than I care to remember, and many times I prolonged the struggle by hoping it was going to magically change and by focusing on the good aspects of the relationship. In the end, none of the good outweighs the potential pain of simply not being on the same page. Had he stayed engaged after expressing where he was at, I think I would feel differently. I don’t like that he didn’t even send a text, wishing you a safe trip home, or sending some small kindness your way. I understand about needing space to sort out his feelings, but I believe that in a healthy dynamic, one does not exclude the other. I would take this much disconnection as a sign.’

we are not on the same page.
you aren’t ready to be in a relationship. and it has little to do with distance.
you’re not available. emotionally.

and it’s been a really tough pill to swallow.

it’s rare for me to click with someone in the way we did.

i’ve never been the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve…or maybe i always was, but i wasn’t brave enough to show it?

i have no regrets about any of this. i had a ton of fun. and as a person, i think you’re fantastic. (this may be trite) but i really do wish you the best.

xx.

~ sd

Posted on by shirindawna

pet names.

‘i don’t see myself ever having kids’

there were the words i had been anticipating for an entire year. the subject that had been the elephant in the room for months. always there. for that almost completely blissful 17 months, i felt like i lived in a zoo exhibit. i named the elephant Sadie. just like I wanted to our first girl. but everyone knows naming your kids is the kiss of death for any relationship, so i stuck with naming imaginary animals. it was my way of trying to make peace with the tension. it was my way of lying to myself.

the chemistry was palpable the very first time i met him. we were standing on a cliff overlooking the ocean, he turned to me and gasped ‘what color are your eyes? they’re like explosions.’ i turned my face upwards and surprised myself by discovering i’d rather look into the blues of his eyes than into the pacific below. i felt sparks. he tried to kiss me soon after. i didn’t let him. he kept trying. he broke me down.

it’s hard to remember now how sad i was in this time. that sadness permeated the world around me. he understood the sadness better than i ever could; he had been there. He broke me out of it. against my will. i held back. i put up walls. i shut him out.

he never stopped trying. he won me over with his persistence and his words. when i stopped answering his phone calls and replying to his texts, he wrote to me:

with you. i fell so hard. and so fast. i love our communication. two wordsmiths. painting each other pictures. daily. it’s has been. beautiful. i have come to adore you.

my rant had nothing to do with your friends. or family. or guys. it was just raw understanding. coming out in a less than pleasing sort of way. because i, did not want to see it. because i, thought that i could make it work. based on love alone.

you say things like “needy” and “possessive.” i think of it as support, love, and being a priority. i am not your average lover. and i expect no less.

we never got comfortable enough for you to see how independent i really am.

we are. so similar. but that 5%. it seems it might be the most important part. we’re missing.

i don’t want you to have to sacrifice your time, or your space. for me. love, in my world, doesn’t even see those things. just you. and letting you in. and letting you have anything i have. making you number one. that’s how i operate.

i wasn’t always this way. but like i said. i’m fucked for life. i lost the best i ever had. and now i love, everyday, like there will not be another.

it’s unfair of me to want you to fit me in, the way i can fit you in me.

it’s unfair of me to expect you to change.

it’s unfair of me, to hold you back.

it’s unfair of me to need support from you, during this tough personal time, that you’re not ready to give.

i’m sad. but i’m thankful that we made this special connection. i’ll carry a piece of you always. in me.

i’ve meant everything. i love you. completely.

i hope you find the perfect person. because. you. are. amazing.

and so…

i let him in. i allowed him to break down the walls. i fell.

hard.

he caught me. he reminded me what it felt like to connect with someone. he made me laugh and held me when i cried.

it’s been nine months since i’ve seen him. ironically, the same amount of time it takes to bring a baby to term. we’ve only spoken once. his voice reminds me that he’s there. that despite the physical distance between us, i am still the one he wants. the one he loves. it is him that i wanted to be surrounded by when i woke in the morning, arms tangled in sheets and love. to see his eyes crusted with sleep but wondrous with wonder, his skin smooth with rest.

i’m not that girl whose lock of hair he brushed out of her eyes a year and a half ago. he’s not that boy who wore ripped blue converse sneakers as we walked around my favorite park. and yet, somehow, we are. we are still here. his voice wraps me up in hugs when he physically can’t, though he’ll wrap his arms around a camera as if pixels could transfer warmth. my teasing cadences make him rumble with laughter, traversing the 2,000ish miles as though he were sitting right across from me.

i didn’t know it was possible to fall out of love and back in again. to know that a friendship could mean so much more than a lover. though we claim to not be in any position to be together, i can’t help but wonder how would it be if the distance weren’t the obstacle now.

and yet, we return, we fall back into the same positions, of love, of wonder, of wanting and care, as though he were still only a simple subway stop away.

we fell in love so quickly. we didn’t have time to think. we lept. we flew. in different directions. he doesn’t want kids. suddenly, proximity doesn’t indicate distance. and our differences are insurmountable.

Posted on by shirindawna

boy, don’t try to front…

fact.
he was:
a) a dreamboat
b) hilarious
c) fun to be with
d) easy to talk to
e) the perfect mix of sweetheart and asshole…
f) a colleague (which brings me to g)
g) off limits

i had a crush on a co-worker for about a year before i ever had a real conversation with him. he was funny. he was sweet. he was charming. he was italian. and he was: gorgeous.

for the first year i worked with him, i thought he had a girlfriend. and by the time we became pals, i was jussssssst out of a relationship and having fun dating everyone and their dads (brothers, uncles, cousins, nephews). besides – i had a strict ‘don’t shit where you eat’ policy. the fact is, i liked my job…and nothing good ever comes from dating a co-worker. so, we were friends. i told him about my endless dating disasters and he told me about the endless number of girls throwing themselves at him (i could hardly blame them – i’m telling you…the boy was delicious – complete & pure yumminess). being friends worked for us. until one night…

he called me and told me that he had officially put in his 2 weeks notice at work (he was moving back home to go back to school) and therefore we were no longer co-workers…which meant, we could date. huuuuuuuuuuh?! my head almost exploded.

he had a crush too?!

what’s a gal to do?

when a dreamy hunkahunka burnin’ love is trying to nudge the dating door open, you kick that shit wide OPEN!

my best friend was having a dinner party the next night and so, i took him. our first date: me. and my best girls. it had the potential to be completely awkward, but it never was. he was the perfect date. i fell a little in love with him that night. and i think my best friend did too. the only thing wrong was knowing he’d be moving across the country in a couple months…

up until that point, he was literally the most perfect guy i had ever met. well, not perfect, but at the time: perfect, for me. i was pretty crazy about him, briefly. the problem was, we were very very alike. manipulative, alpha types who both need to be in control of our relationships. so, i was never able to let myself really fall. i was always holding back. i like to think of it as self-preservation. walls are there to protect me. and i’m not silly enough to fall head over heels for a casanova. no matter how charming. who knows what would’ve happened if he hadn’t moved away? but ‘what if’ is a waste of time. i’m grateful for the time we spent together. and he’ll always have some real estate in my heart. even if it does belong to someone else.