resting in peace.
sometimes the universe protects you from yourself.
once someone is no longer your life, it’s hard to admit that maybe they weren’t perfect…like by remembering them honestly, instead of perfectly you somehow tarnish their memory.
it was sad at first to think that i’d be raising my little one alone. and that she’d never know her dad. especially when mine was such a huge part of my life…and the person who shaped me.
…but after he was long gone, little things came to light. things that make me realize that even if he was still around, he may not be the best influence for my little one. and she deserves the best.
(no, i don’t know if it’s a girl. i’m just guessing that my affinity for pink runs through my blood. and so, i expect a girl. or a boy that loves pink)
i’m confident that i’ll be able to provide sweet pea with all the love she needs. and i’m certain that even without her father around, she’ll be showered in tons of love.
it’s disappointing to realize that he wasn’t the person i thought he was…but since he is no longer around it feels like i’m somehow expected to preserve his memory. maybe that’s an unrealistic expectation that i’m placing on myself, but i want my little one to feel loved. and she is.
in the end, it isn’t about him – or me – or what expectations and hopes there were for the future. since his expiration and the news of my little bundle, all i feel is joy. and hope. and love. and that’s all she needs. (besides my boob. which ironically, he enjoyed as well… too soon?)
anyway, he’s gone. resting in peace.
and here i am, exactly where i’m supposed to be. the twinkle in my eye is now a little sweet pea that i get to carry around all day.
i’ve never felt more love than i do when i think of my nugget… and i have no clue how i went this long without her (OR HIM! ;)) i can’t imagine how incredible it will be when i finally get to meet my little angel.
mustard waffle fries, pound signs, and girl talk.
it doesn’t seem right that the english language only has one word for ‘love.’
i just spent 5 days including two 8+ hour road trips with my beautiful and hilarious best friend and no less than 30 minutes after being away from her, i already missed her.
when we pulled up at her place last night her husband said ‘i bet you’re so sick of each other’ and all i thought was ‘nope. i’d jump back in the car and do it all over again.’ and i would.
she’s the best.
and so was the weekend we just had.
everyone i’ve talked to complains about the drive from sd to sf…and yet i had a blast – both ways. even stuck in traffic: interpretive dancing, storytelling, almost knocking each other out, spy missions to visit another bestie at work, musical exploration, sharing pilot duties, entertaining other cars on the road, narrowly escaping phone/texting laws as a passenger (it was NOT a coincidence 😉 ), discussing the logistics of wetsuits and how airtight they are, ssschhinging along with our bessschht liisshppshh, saving $$ for lisshp shhurgery, not letting friends live on ramen, and making plansshh with musshtard sshhtan…
i’m sad that it’s over and yet so happy and grateful that my friends are so amazing.
love my friends. love my life.
love love.
…back to the grind with a happy heart.
i guess he was right.
way back when, i dated this guy that said if i ever cut my hair, he’d break up with me. i thought this was stupid so i chopped off my ass length hair (to chin length – i was dumb & young) and never called him again.
well, i took my dog to a new groomer over the weekend. the groomer decided to take her liberties with my pup’s adorable mane and turned him into something i can’t even bear to look at.
when i went to go pick him up, there was a creepy little rat looking thing nuzzling my ankles. i wanted to nudge him away until the lady working said ‘aww, you’re excited to see mama!’ ummmmm, WHAT?! i did a double-take. this is MY dog?! no way. couldn’t be. but then upon closer inspection i realized the big puppy dog eyes looking up at me where, in fact, my little pirate’s. i quickly looked away and told myself i wouldn’t have a breakdown at the groomer’s. i slipped the leash on him and briskly walked out to my car with the new and NOT improved pirate trying to keep up. i called my best friend in a panic and tried to get her to agree to adopt him.
she asked for a photo.
i was too embarrassed to send her one…but figured maybe she liked rats and would take this one off my hands.
it was then that it clicked. if i have an ugly child, i won’t love it. i told her this. she insisted that i wouldn’t think my child was ugly.
i disagree.
i sent my bestie a photo of the damage. i haven’t heard from her since.
i finally get what that guy was talking about…i’ve had pirate for 5 years. and i love him like he was my own child…but during this hideous hair stage, i cringe each time he trots his happy little butt up to me.
my advice? think twice when your man doesn’t want you to chop off your hair. i have kept mine long ever since. although, that guy was junk and i’m glad to be rid of him, now that i’ve walked (from the groomer to my car) in his shoes, i finally understand his point of view.
i’m traumatized.
UPDATE: my friend has since called me back.
her: ooooh, poor pirate!
me: poor pirate?! poor ME! i’m the one who has to look at him.
he’s still prancing around thinking he’s the cutest thing on the planet because that’s what he’s been hearing for 5 years. it is no longer true.
at least temporarily.
inside of me.
i recently experienced a beautiful & ‘touching’ moment with my bestie that i felt compelled to share. because it was so uniquely us & yet upon further deliberation i realized that perhaps it would be perceived as slightly strange to others.
we were standing near each other & i kept inching closer to my dear sweet friend…who wasn’t moving away as i expected.
me: i keep moving closer to see how long it takes for you to feel uncomfortable & move away.
her: you could be inside me & i wouldn’t be uncomfortable.
that’s love.
sdinsd 