because sometimes, the most reckless thing you can do with your heart, is not being reckless with it.
slowly at first, then all at once.
i have learned, and am still learning, that things don’t always happen the way you think they will. or the way you expect. or sometimes, the way you wish they would…
and in my lessons, i have been taught time and time again that there is always a perfectly good reason why.
i never believed in love at first sight.
i certainly wasn’t expecting to find it…
and yet, yesterday i was struck.
it was intense.
it was immediate.
and it was incredible.
never before have i felt so much emotion and (simultaneously felt) completely at peace. it is a heady combination.
and i am enamored.
…all at once.
resting in peace.
sometimes the universe protects you from yourself.
once someone is no longer your life, it’s hard to admit that maybe they weren’t perfect…like by remembering them honestly, instead of perfectly you somehow tarnish their memory.
it was sad at first to think that i’d be raising my little one alone. and that she’d never know her dad. especially when mine was such a huge part of my life…and the person who shaped me.
…but after he was long gone, little things came to light. things that make me realize that even if he was still around, he may not be the best influence for my little one. and she deserves the best.
(no, i don’t know if it’s a girl. i’m just guessing that my affinity for pink runs through my blood. and so, i expect a girl. or a boy that loves pink)
i’m confident that i’ll be able to provide sweet pea with all the love she needs. and i’m certain that even without her father around, she’ll be showered in tons of love.
it’s disappointing to realize that he wasn’t the person i thought he was…but since he is no longer around it feels like i’m somehow expected to preserve his memory. maybe that’s an unrealistic expectation that i’m placing on myself, but i want my little one to feel loved. and she is.
in the end, it isn’t about him – or me – or what expectations and hopes there were for the future. since his expiration and the news of my little bundle, all i feel is joy. and hope. and love. and that’s all she needs. (besides my boob. which ironically, he enjoyed as well… too soon?)
anyway, he’s gone. resting in peace.
and here i am, exactly where i’m supposed to be. the twinkle in my eye is now a little sweet pea that i get to carry around all day.
i’ve never felt more love than i do when i think of my nugget… and i have no clue how i went this long without her (OR HIM! ;)) i can’t imagine how incredible it will be when i finally get to meet my little angel.
life & death.
one year after losing my baba, it really is a matter of life & death. as i prepare to bring my first little into the world, i am missing my dad more than ever.
in his last few months, he promised me he would stick around to meet his grand babies. and the thing is, i know he’s keeping his word. i feel him with me and around me more than ever before…it may sound absurd, but the feeling of love, peace, and protection seems to have amplified since discovering i am fulfilling not only my greatest wish, but my dad’s as well.
before i ever knew i was pregnant i had dreams of my dad telling me how thrilled he was to finally be a grandpop. dreams that were hilarious to me at the time because i had no idea they were my reality…
i don’t believe in coincidences and i firmly believe that there is some divine intervention at work here. the universe always keeps a balance. i had an inkling that having my own child would somehow reconnect me with my dad, i just never knew how comforting or peaceful it would be.
he taught me to look up when things got tough. see the sky, drink in the world, work hard, play hard and believe that who you are is good enough. if someone doesn’t like it – then that’s their malfunction. on this first anniversary of my dad’s passing, i remember, with gratitude, my dad.
he loved us with the fiercest devotion i’ve ever witnessed. unconditional love, for life and beyond. i knew that then, and i feel it now.
as an adult, when i reflect on the people and places that make up my memories, i know that his was the single greatest influence on me. i have his eyes, his nose, his lips, and his ability to love, but that’s not what i mean…
he introduced me to art in all its forms. from beethoven’s 9th to the writings of shakespeare and poe; to the rugged majesty of athletes, as well as the magic of the theatre…no medium escaped his interest.
my dad stayed curious. he got older, but his spirit never did. it lit up a room until his dying day. his example is a legacy i aspire to.
i miss you everyday, dad.
while celebrating the life of the person i loved most, i am beyond happy to welcome a new addition to our family. it may not be father’s day to the whole world, but it is for me…a day of remembrance and gratefulness.
i can’t wait to shower my little sweet pea with the unconditional love that you provided me.
..the greatest of all these.
being a hero isn’t about doing the easy thing…it’s about doing the right thing.
i’ve never been the type of person who makes decisions based on fear. so, in true shirin fashion – i’m following my heart and trusting that everything is just as it should be.
and for my baba, who i’m certain has a hand in all the magical & wonderful things that exist in my world right now:
در گذشته ای بسیار دور خداوند در زمین ماسه ای به دور محلی که تو اکنون ایستاده ای دایره ای کشید.
i couldn’t agree more.
(oh? you want a translation? “Long ago, God drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now. You were never not coming here. This was never not going to happen. Once you have faith, place trust. one day you will see the purpose of this moment.”)
everything happens just as it should.
sdinsd 