usually i consider ‘what if’ scenarios a waste of time. that all changed today.
i stopped to consider: what if i’m a princess on another planet and nobody on this planet knows it?
so, if you (like me) are into opening cans of worms, ponder away…
sometimes feelings are false.
i’m guilty of getting way too caught up in whatever exciting/tragic/ fantastic/depressing event happening in my life (or yours, if we’re besties)…and sometimes (read: never in the moment) it helps to remind myself that ‘sometimes feelings are false.’ and more importantly, they’re only temporary.
it helps (me) to remember what i know for sure…and i’m certain that: happiness is fragile. and i can’t always trust my emotions.
an intricate web of daydreams.
ever since i was little (young rather, i’m STILL little) i’ve dreamt of my perfect guy. and of course i have ‘the checklist’. every girl has an idea of what qualities her leading man should possess.
without further ado (and in no particular order):
the proverbial ‘he’ should be:
funny
intelligent
witty
sarcastic
charming
a great listener
imaginative
a wordsmith
thoughtful
a great dancer
considerate
a great storyteller
emotionally capable of intimacy
appreciative
dependable
genuine
patient
honest
loyal
open-minded
tolerant
respectful
nurturing to his loved ones
comfortable in his own skin
able to light up a room with his smile
a big believer in moderation of all things (aside from love. and s-e-x)
will my mr. forever be all these things? who knows? will i even measure up on his list? let’s be honest, i’m no walk in the park.
i’m demanding.
i’m manipulative.
i’m secretly judgmental.
i have trouble forgiving people.
i think too fast and talk too much.
i expect to be your top priority. always.
i have trouble talking about my feelings.
i can make biting, hurtful remarks when my feelings are hurt.
i’ll expect you to want to marry me even though i’m not certain i want to marry you. (or anyone)
whew! it’s a good thing i have a sweet ass.
i’ve said it before…and it bears repeating: i just want someone who makes me the best version of me i can be.
the notion of a checklist is great and all, but i’ve found that ‘good on paper’ isn’t necessary good for me.
love is for people who are realistic…and for people who realize that a real relationship IS the ultimate fantasy.
i got laid.
…off
before you go feeling sorry for me (i hate pity), allow me to address my feelings toward this (maybe not so) sad event.
i alternate between being super bummed about it…i mean, i didn’t hate my job. in fact, i sorta loved it. it afforded me the opportunity to be nitpicky and edit the crap out of docs. if you know me at all, you know i live to edit. and write. which is where my job was lacking… the dry material (software/programming/blah blah) didn’t provide with the creative outlet that i crave (hence, this blog).
so, the way i figure it: it’s a bummer, but maybe not the worst thing?
perhaps this is my opportunity to find something different? something (dare i say?!) better!
i counted myself fortunate to have a job that i didn’t dread going to each morning. so, its been rough to imagine what comes next.
maybe i’ll go back to school?
maybe i’ll write a bestseller?
maybe i’ll just focus on all the things i didn’t have time to do because of my job?
maybe i’ll just soak up the summer sun and spend some time with my dad?
the world is my oyster.
and i want some damn pearls!
how the hell did this happen?
when did i get old.er?!
several years ago, (during one of my crises, not the self-induced ones that i’m notorious for ~ THAT time) one of my best friends once told me that we only get eighty-some years to do all the things we want with our lives, and we were already a quarter through our lives so we didn’t have time to waste. it was the kick in the butt i needed, at the time. well, that and watching the notebook…
but now, the concept of mortality is bringing me down. mostly my own…but occasionally my dad’s (more on that later). there is so much i want to do with my life. at times i get that restless, breathless feeling, like i’ll never be able to do it all, there aren’t enough years, i’m not that young anymore…where does the time go?!
i try to prioritize the things i want to do (mainly cuz i love making lists), but I know I won’t be satisfied unless I get to do them ALL. problem is, many of my ‘wants’ contradict the others.
i want to own a home. craftsman. or maybe mediterranean? a victorian gingerbread looking house, perhaps? it needs to have character. lots. (since i’ve eliminated mine by customizing my nose) and hardwood floors that shine and never make my place feel cold (i swear every home i’ve been to with hardwood floors feels cold. always). i want a porch. with a rocking chair. that i can sit and read in. i want a library filled with first editions. AND the pretty pink covered books that i love (fact: if a book cover has pink, i’ll read it. yes, i judge books by their covers…but not people. usually).
i want more time to read. and write. i want to write my memoirs…without caring if anyone ever reads them. i want everyone to read them. i want to conquer my fear of karaoke (yes, i’ve done it. yes, it was awful. yes, i’m still petrified. and yes, there is video.)
i want to see the world. i want to save the world. i want to make a difference. i want to matter. i want to have a baby, but not at the expense of losing my own identity. i want to be the girl in the story. i want to be the girl he’s singing about. i want to be girly. i don’t want to be anyone, but me. i want to find someone who makes me the best version of me that i can be. i want to reconcile my fear of relationships with the idea of forever that i’ve harbored since i was a little girl. i want to get married. i want to believe that marriage can work. i want to marry someone i’ll never get tired of talking to. i want to not care about grammar. i want to learn to forgive, completely. i want to never ever feel resentful.
i want to learn from my mistakes. i don’t want to make mistakes. i want to cure cancer. i want louboutins, pink, studded, boots ~ any kind at all! i want to not care about material things. i want to fix all your problems. i want to be there for my friends. i want to be worth it. i want to live up to my potential.
(and i want to write about it all. for me. and for you.)
sdinsd 