Posted on by shirindawna

resting in peace.

sometimes the universe protects you from yourself.

once someone is no longer your life, it’s hard to admit that maybe they weren’t perfect…like by remembering them honestly, instead of perfectly you somehow tarnish their memory.

it was sad at first to think that i’d be raising my little one alone. and that she’d never know her dad. especially when mine was such a huge part of my life…and the person who shaped me.

…but after he was long gone, little things came to light. things that make me realize that even if he was still around, he may not be the best influence for my little one. and she deserves the best.

(no, i don’t know if it’s a girl. i’m just guessing that my affinity for pink runs through my blood. and so, i expect a girl. or a boy that loves pink)

i’m confident that i’ll be able to provide sweet pea with all the love she needs. and i’m certain that even without her father around, she’ll be showered in tons of love.

it’s disappointing to realize that he wasn’t the person i thought he was…but since he is no longer around it feels like i’m somehow expected to preserve his memory. maybe that’s an unrealistic expectation that i’m placing on myself, but i want my little one to feel loved. and she is.

in the end, it isn’t about him – or me – or what expectations and hopes there were for the future. since his expiration and the news of my little bundle, all i feel is joy. and hope. and love. and that’s all she needs. (besides my boob. which ironically, he enjoyed as well… too soon?)

anyway, he’s gone. resting in peace.

and here i am, exactly where i’m supposed to be. the twinkle in my eye is now a little sweet pea that i get to carry around all day.

i’ve never felt more love than i do when i think of my nugget… and i have no clue how i went this long without her (OR HIM! ;)) i can’t imagine how incredible it will be when i finally get to meet my little angel.

Posted on by shirindawna

a year of firsts.

nothing ever feels the way you imagine it will. my first birthday without my baba isn’t breaking my heart the way it has been over the last couple weeks. i miss him, but there is a sense of calm that surrounds me. a peace i had been hoping for and wasn’t expecting. now that it’s here, i’m not sure what to do with it.

at a glance, i have nothing to complain about. sitting on a patio in maui with the ocean in the distance and a sweet boyfriend snoozing away in the king size bed in our hotel room. life has been good to me. i am fortunate. and i’m grateful for everything i have. and even though i feel at peace with my dad not being around, the little girl in me still wants to call him and tell him how pretty it is here. and how much i miss him. and how i wish i could’ve been with him when he explored kauai several years back.

my dad and i always planned to come to hawaii together. maybe that’s why i felt compelled to celebrate my birthday here. it just felt right.

but here’s a little secret: running away to maui doesn’t make you forget that your dad isn’t around to celebrate your birthday. i would be lying if i said it didn’t soften the blow though. i mean, if it’s going to suck either way it may as well suck in a tropical paradise.

i feel a sense of obligation to my dad and his memory to strengthen family bonds. perhaps that is why i felt it was so important to have my boyfriend’s parents here with us? i know my dad would’ve wanted it that way. he had such admiration and regard for these people he has never even met. that’s baba though. he makes up his mind about certain ideals and blindly follows them, not to say his admiration is unwarranted, but it always amused me that the details or circumstances surrounding a situation didn’t phase him as much as the final outcome. maybe that’s why he was able to love so unconditionally. and with such pure intent. i wish i had the courage and ability to surrender myself so completely to love in the same way. that type of love may only exist from a parent to a child and perhaps that is why i haven’t experienced it…someday.

i have many things to celebrate today: the love of a good man, a wonderful brother, and great friends. and i get to celebrate my birthday in hawaii.

it isn’t a perfect picture, but there are a lot of perfect pieces.

Posted on by shirindawna

attack of the 5’10” woman.

in the past couple weeks, i’ve been asked no less than ten times if i got a perm. (i didn’t).

the truth is, i’m just too lazy to straighten my hair.

i have two jobs, a boyfriend, a blog, and a bratty pup ~ there’s no time to tame these locks. i’m lucky if i manage to put my clothes on right-side out…

so, lately i’ve been rocking my big hair (and it is BIG)… oddly enough, i’ve received more hair compliments in the past few weeks, than…umm…ever. which i find hysterical because i don’t think i’ve ever spent less time on my hair.

*sigh*

i digress though…the c-c-c-c-curly locks reminded me of the sex and the city episode where they talk about the movie, “the way we were” in relation to big’s new fiancée.

side bar: i am fully aware that the modern, sophisticated girl isn’t supposed to like the aforementioned show, but i am neither modern nor sophisticated (i consider myself more of a vintage classic, read: an old lady in a younger body) and amidst the froth and frivolousness are gems of bona fide truth. and furthermore, i love the show, the fashion, the froth, and even the frivolusness.

the school of thought is there are two kinds of women:
the pretty and simple girls
the katie girls: wild, untamed, passionate, ambitious

if my hair is any indication, it’s pretty clear which category i fall into…after all, i’m sassy, opinionated, mouthy, inappropriate, challenging, have chipped nail polish, forget to wear make-up, and have seriously wild hair.

while i agree with the notion of the two types of women, i think when it comes to a break up…what’s the point of comparing?

hypothetically speaking (and this is all hypothetical, right ;)) i like to think that if it were me, i wouldn’t trouble myself with the question: why her and why not me?

frankly: who cares?
complicated/simple
curly/straight
ambitious/complacent

who really wants to be the former girlfriend of his with lingering feelings…or maybe just some sort of attachment towards him, who is spending her valuable time worrying about his life when she could be out living her own?

go shopping.
call a friend.
GO TO THE GYM.
eat a cookie.
live YOUR life.

honestly, honey, what difference does it make?

bottom line: you weren’t the one for him and it isn’t meant to be. MOVE ON.

whatever the case, that magical feeling that makes a man want to wife a woman wasn’t there. that doesn’t devalue any past relationships, it just means the relationship existed on borrowed time and eventually you found yourselves at a crossroads where you needed to decide if you were going to walk down a new path together or continue separately…you don’t usually come to that revelation until you’re at the proverbial fork in the road. sometimes that’s months into the relationship, sometimes it takes longer…

my current boyfriend and i knew very early on that this was ‘it’, but there were times when i held on longer than i needed to and fought far too hard and long for something that wouldn’t end up being right.

every relationship is a learning experience and when one ends, it’s prudent to take your lessons and move forward. sure, it’s nice to be nostalgic, but being bitter isn’t pretty. after all, ‘bitterness is a poison pill you swallow and hope the other person dies.’

i may not ever be the girl with the perfect hair or the most appropriate behavior, but i wouldn’t wanna be anyone else.

‘i don’t entirely approve of some of the things i have done, or am, or have been. but i’m me. god knows, i’m me.’ elizabeth taylor

Posted on by shirindawna

bubbly.

when whatshisface on the bachelor said ‘I want to live in a bubble with somebody. I want to live in some unrealistic idealistic bubble where we’re convinced that we are like more in love than couple that ever lived.’ i thought it was sorta sweet, kinda silly, certainly unrealistic, and more than a little idealistic.

until i realized…that’s exactly where i am.

in a room full of people, my mister is usually the one that has my full attention. and the one i most enjoy talking at.

i’ve heard it said that during the early stages of romantic love, your brain gets flooded with all kinds of hormones – it mimics someone that’s on cocaine. so, let’s blame biology for my occasional antisocial tendencies…

i mean, we’re not at the point where we embrace the public grope like we’ve just entered a competition for public fondling and the grand prize is more of each other (yet).

i wish i could be apologetic for it (that’s a lie), but i’ve waited a long time to feel like this and i love it.

i’ll be the first to admit – it’s gross (to others), it’s annoying (for everyone else), and it reeks of all that mushy stuff movies are made of, but there is no place else i want to be. ever.

cheers to that.

bring on the bubbly.

Posted on by shirindawna

you can’t outsource bragging.

so, i’m the first one to toot my own horn when appropriate (and sometimes when it isn’t).

i will be the first to admit that i’m (slightly*) narcissistic. one of my favorite things to talk about is myself. i think i’m hilarious, super interesting, and fairly fascinating (especially after a little caffeine or a couple cucumber martinis).

on the flip side, i will be the first to admit when i am bad at something. when i am wrong, i admit it. i’m brutally honest…even with myself.

especially with myself.

which leads me to this year’s resolution…while as a rule, i don’t typically believe in using the new year as an excuse to make a resolution/change, i am making an exception this year. because rules are made to be broken. and i’m a rebel (at least in my own head)

i resolve to treat myself with the same kindness that i reserve for my loved ones.

…because let’s be honest, i’m a whole lot of awesome. and i’m happy to tell you all about it.

* extremely