Posted on by shirindawna · 1 Comment

a year and a day.

i woke up (not so uncharacteristically) early this morning.

like every sunday morning, i thought about what i would be doing with my dad today.

i plopped down at my computer to write and found myself flooded with thoughts of him, but couldn’t find the right words to convey my feelings.

i started rummaging through old files and found this, dated 4/13/12:

i woke up this morning and planned to go to the gym, but instead i started to write…

and i wanted to write about the thing that i had been avoiding writing about: my dad’s cancer.

sunday was always our day. my brother, him, and me. it seemed appropriate that sunday would be the day i’d confront my dad’s mortality and put my thoughts to paper.

but i couldn’t do it.

and i became frustrated.

and so instead i cried.

i hate how easily the tears flow when the words won’t.

and while the overtones are sad, it didn’t make me blue.

sure it’s sunday, and sure it’s the day i miss baba most, but that’s ok.

i can’t change it, and that’s ok.

it wouldn’t change the fact that I still miss my dad almost a year later. or that i would still miss him a little bit every single day. it also wouldn’t change the fact that at every bit of laughter, every soccer game, every sunday, every fight with my mom, every accomplishment, every disappointment, and everything in between, i still close my eyes and wish that he were next to me. and, well, that’s ok.

on a recent trip with my girlfriends i cried to my best friend about how i missed my dad and she said ‘that’s ok.’ so simple. and so oddly liberating. i don’t think she knows how her two simple words impacted me…giving me permission to feel how i feel. even when it doesn’t feel appropriate.

so it’s sunday, i miss my dad. and i’ve learned that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve, there is only your way, and there is my way.

Posted on by shirindawna

a year of firsts.

nothing ever feels the way you imagine it will. my first birthday without my baba isn’t breaking my heart the way it has been over the last couple weeks. i miss him, but there is a sense of calm that surrounds me. a peace i had been hoping for and wasn’t expecting. now that it’s here, i’m not sure what to do with it.

at a glance, i have nothing to complain about. sitting on a patio in maui with the ocean in the distance and a sweet boyfriend snoozing away in the king size bed in our hotel room. life has been good to me. i am fortunate. and i’m grateful for everything i have. and even though i feel at peace with my dad not being around, the little girl in me still wants to call him and tell him how pretty it is here. and how much i miss him. and how i wish i could’ve been with him when he explored kauai several years back.

my dad and i always planned to come to hawaii together. maybe that’s why i felt compelled to celebrate my birthday here. it just felt right.

but here’s a little secret: running away to maui doesn’t make you forget that your dad isn’t around to celebrate your birthday. i would be lying if i said it didn’t soften the blow though. i mean, if it’s going to suck either way it may as well suck in a tropical paradise.

i feel a sense of obligation to my dad and his memory to strengthen family bonds. perhaps that is why i felt it was so important to have my boyfriend’s parents here with us? i know my dad would’ve wanted it that way. he had such admiration and regard for these people he has never even met. that’s baba though. he makes up his mind about certain ideals and blindly follows them, not to say his admiration is unwarranted, but it always amused me that the details or circumstances surrounding a situation didn’t phase him as much as the final outcome. maybe that’s why he was able to love so unconditionally. and with such pure intent. i wish i had the courage and ability to surrender myself so completely to love in the same way. that type of love may only exist from a parent to a child and perhaps that is why i haven’t experienced it…someday.

i have many things to celebrate today: the love of a good man, a wonderful brother, and great friends. and i get to celebrate my birthday in hawaii.

it isn’t a perfect picture, but there are a lot of perfect pieces.

Posted on by shirindawna

contemplating.

i love the rain.

i love feeling inspired.

and i love any excuse to throw on boots.

here’s something very melancholy about the rain…and yet i find it soothing.

i’ve had gordon lightfoot on repeat. he’s a cynic. i like that coupled with the rain.

rain is good for inspiration. or maybe it’s sadness? the rain made me nostalgic…and yet much to my surprise, i didn’t get stuck in that emotion. i guess i shouldn’t be surprised. i’m not meant to be sad. but something about gloomy weather has always made me gloomy on the inside. today is an exception. and why shouldn’t it be? after all, i have pink rain boots. and i love having an excuse to wear them.

i wish i could stay in bed and write all day. i believe that’s what rainy days were meant for…reading and writing.

i’m contemplative today. and i like it.