Posted on by shirindawna

no explanation necessary.

and yet i’m going to provide one.

because i want to clear the air. and give someone the attention he is BEGGING for.

so, here’s the story.

not too long ago i was contacted by an old flame. he asked me out. it came at an odd time for me, the day prior i had decided to take a break from boys & dating, but my curiosity got the better of me. and i went.

a quick foray into my past. this was the guy that i crushed on from ages 12-16ish. my girlfriends and i backstabbed each other over him. we plotted and schemed to get his attention. he was the first boy i ever smooched like the parisians. and most importantly, the very first boyfriend i ever said ‘i love you’ to. granted, i had no clue what that meant, but still… you can see why i’d be curious.

now that you’re caught up, let me walk you through some highlights of our date:

he had made a reservation +1
he already had an idea of what he wanted to order from perusing the menu online (i like planners) +1
he dropped and shattered his water glass +1 (i like it when people are clumsier than i am – it’s rare)
he has a beer -1 (i’m into sober dates, i’m a nerd)
he makes a book suggestion +1
he mentions his ex-girlfriend +0 (we all have pasts)
he mentions his ex-girlfriend negatively -5 + a RED FLAG (you’re either over it and have worked past it or you haven’t)
he has has another beer -5
he orders sake -5 (now, i LOVE sake, but he’s driving…)
he has another beer -5 + RED FLAG (a couple drinks is fine, but frat guy alert!)
he has ANOTHER beer -10

i wasn’t feeling super romantically interested, but i WAS feeling nostalgic. it was nice to catch up with him and chat so when he suggested we go across the street to get a drink, i agreed. although, if you know me at all, you know i am not a drinker (unless i’m on vacation)… so, i was drinking water. he switched to whiskey. or maybe it was scotch? don’t know. don’t care.

he proceeded to have 3 or 4 more drinks. -34524536456767 (you’re on a date, buddy! not at a college party)
the kicker is his mention of past relationships where things have gone wrong…and how he always seems to be the rebound guy. (i understand lousy luck in love, but i also understand learning from the past and being better instead of bitter)

eventually, we walk back to his car where i suggest that perhaps taking a cab would be smart.
he agrees.
then quickly changes his mind and decides to drive. – all the points in the bank of shirin and my respect

i don’t have a ton of dealbreakers, but drinking & driving is in the top 5. i’ve never ever done it. and i won’t. it’s reckless and plain stupid.

the next day, he text me to let me know he was alive and to apologize for his drunken behavior. i figured he was probably nervous and maybe i was being too harsh, but i wasn’t sure i wanted to see him again. at least, not romantically.

we had lunch the following week. i still wasn’t feeling that silly little spark…but i wanted to. i really really wanted to… to be fair, i will admit that i wasn’t sure if it was him or just where i was at that resulted in my feelings of ‘meh’. when i’m single, i become selfish with my free time and don’t care to make much effort when it comes to dating…

in that time i wrote a blog about dating and how i was souring of it though i do have a desire to be in a relationship…

i received the following email from him in response:
S.D.

I for the longest time have had a similar fantasy regarding a desire to skip the dating part of relationships and fast forward right to the “30 minutes of mandatory morning cuddling”, “can you walk the dog while I get ready”, “love ya, see you tonight” part. But alas, it can’t be done. There’s just no way to skip the awkward part, the part where we ask each other what we do, where we’re headed, what our pets names are. Yeah, I miss the comfort of someone I can count on, lets me cook for them, makes me laugh, and reluctantly comes along on one of my random little day adventures but once that level of commitment and comforts been reached, sadly there’s no going back. I’m gonna know what you look like without your make-up on (and secretly love it). You’re going to know my bad habits, and that my breath isn’t exactly a refreshing summer breeze first thing in the morning. We’re going to argue over the way I said something to the store clerk, and I’m going to be resentful of your friends for taking too much of your time. You’re going hate that I laugh uncontrollably every time I see an AFLAC commercial, and that I slowly creep up on red lights instead of coming to a complete stop. You’ll find it ridiculous that I talk to my truck like a person and ask her how her day was.

But for now, who knows maybe forever…. I hope you’ll find my silly obsession with talking animals charming, you’ll find it cute I love my truck so much, and you just can’t wait to introduce me to your friends! You’ll beam the first time the store clerk tells us were so cute together, and I’ll run to the bathroom to brush my teeth before you ever knew I was gone. There’s just no way I want to miss a minute of the adolescence in this relationship and look forward to every awkward and refreshingly new moment.

But that’s all a long way off seeing as how we haven’t really gotten past lunch and I seemed to perfectly play the part of the beer chugging frat guy blundering myself into every possible cliché I could find. Might as well have a tribal tattoo on my arm and show off how many push-ups I could do right there at the dinner table. Your desire to want more from life than a headache and a painfully depleted bank account every Sunday morning is refreshing to say the least. Just had to get it all off my chest. Hope to see you Tuesday.

it was sweet. it was sincere. and it was what i needed to push me forward into agreeing to another lunch date.

in the following weeks our conflicting schedules and (let’s be real) my lack of sincere interest and desire to share my free time didn’t allow us to see each other.

eventually (after some persistence on his part) i made some free time for lunch again… although on the day of our date, something came up last minute and i had to reschedule to the following day.

we were supposed to get together around 2pm the next day and being the little piglet i am, i know i can’t wait that long for lunch. so i mention this to him (via text)…and ask him if he’d like to do something else. no response.

i text him to ask him what he’s thinking for the next day. radio silence.
before i went to bed, i sent him another message about our plans. still nothing.

this is UNHEARD of for me. i don’t typically even contact boys, but 3 unanswered texts?!

the next morning i talk to a friend and make plans for that afternoon. i text him to let him know that since i hadn’t heard from him i made other plans.

later that day he texts me ‘i’ll pick you up @ 2:10 at your work’ (do NOT get me started on the incongruous use of ‘@ vs. at’)

i let him know i wasn’t working and that i made other plans when i didn’t hear back and he starts to get rude and cusses at me.

that was it for me. enough red flags, i’m out! so, i let him know that i’m taking myself out of the dating game for a bit.

after he ‘whatever’s me he says ‘Its not dating. It was a fucking picnic which i just spent alot of time on this morning getting together… But its fine. Nice know in ya’

for starters, A LOT IS TWO WORDS. (pet peeve).

and you’re passive aggressive and i am obscenely turned off. then he makes some mention about how now he has to eat both sandwiches that he made. umm. ok. what did he expect there? oh, you made two sandwiches?! i didn’t know! yes, let’s hang out!

i don’t think so, buddy.

i don’t do passive aggressive. and i have expectations about respectful behavior. even in early courtship. ESPECIALLY in early courtship, actually. i mean, i don’t think you even get to really know someone for a few months, until then you’re just dating their best representative, but if this is who is showing up this early on…then, seriously. NO THANK YOU.

he contacts me again in the next few days to ask me if a blog posting is about him.
a) i don’t even know which blog he’s talking about.
b) it isn’t.
c) i haven’t blogged about him since discovering he reads my blog. and because it wasn’t interesting enough for me to put time into it… and most importantly, because my heart wasn’t in it.

i let him know that if he’s going to obsessively check my blog, he should probably get over himself.

then, i was afforded some peace. and it was nice.

till last night…

he commented on my last blog. rudely. and while i would typically ignore this cry for attention, i thought i should indulge him…

when i told him i was taking myself out of the dating game, i didn’t really provide a reason…because i think it’s arbitrary.

but maybe this will give him the closure he needs to close this chapter and move forward?

best of luck, old friend.

the end.

Posted on by shirindawna

gravity & vulnerability.

while catching up with a friend today & discussing the latest & greatest in our lives, we began discussing writing and she confessed that she wasn’t keeping up with her blog because she had so much to say and didn’t want people to know it was her.

i shared with her that i’ve always felt that exposing yourself via writing makes you vulnerable, but told her that’s kinda what i love about it.

her response blew me away: that’s why you’re so good at loving people and opening your heart. you’re willing and excited by vulnerability.

in light of recent events, it was exactly what i needed to hear.

she then said: most people run away from that.

and it got me thinking…why? why does that happen?

the way i see it: you want to meet someone, you want to fall in love, but you know the risks that lead to love… they may cause pain, and it’s the fear of that pain, that’s what holds you back.

but it isn’t a question of whether you can or can’t push forward. taking a risk is like jumping off a cliff. it’s a leap into the unknown.
with absolutely no guarantees.

take the leap.

see what comes.

decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

‘you’re neither friend nor foe though i can’t seem to let you go’

Posted on by shirindawna

bye bye baby.

kissing my freedom goodbye.

i interviewed for a job yesterday and today i accepted an offer. i have a tentative start date of early june. which gives me another couple weeks of freedom…and that leads me to my next thought.

when dating someone wouldn’t it be great if right before things got serious, you had a tentative relationship start date?

should the relationship blossom into a forever type situation, there is usually a period of time when you think, ‘i’ll never have a first kiss again’ or ‘i’ll never experience butterflies or school girl giggles again’ or ‘this is the LAST person i will EVER have s-e-x with…’

in my proposed scenario, you’d be allowed a few weeks in which to sow wild oats, sample other flavors, or just spend some time with your friends…and then once that time period was over, you’d be fully committed. and relationship ready! (allegedly)

something to think about. (and no, i’m not serious. not totally anyway.)

or perhaps you should keep yourself quarantined from the dating world unless you’re ready to make a commitment (should the right person come along…)

while you ponder that, i’ll be saying ‘toodles’ to my carefree life and settling back into the land of timecards and commuting.

look out, corporate america ~ bootsy’s back!

Posted on by shirindawna · 2 Comments

the letter you don’t send.

it seems appropriate to end something the same way it started. with a ‘letter you don’t send.’

dear crash & burn,

i love the way you sleep with a pillow over your face to block out the world.

i hate that i’m part of the world you’re now blocking out.

i miss you. i miss the way you pushed me to write. i miss the way you encouraged me to continue writing when i would get frustrated. i miss our conversations. i miss our texts throughout the day. i miss your laugh. i miss hearing the way you tell a story. i miss listening to you talk about things you’re passionate about. i miss the way you write. i miss making fun of the world with you. i miss trying to one up each other. i miss eating candy with you. i miss your book suggestions. i miss the way i felt when i was with you. i miss touching you. i miss sleeping next to you. i miss how satisfied you looked after flossing your teeth. i miss kissing your shoulder as i lay next to you. i miss kissing you. i miss the way i could tell you anything.

…until i couldn’t.

the moment the L bomb was dropped, you changed.

and then everything changed.

you went from warm, funny, considerate, thoughtful, and sweet to withdrawn, inconsistent, doubtful, and full of fear.

i went out on a limb and said i thought i was falling in love with you. and i wouldn’t take it back because at the time i was feeling it. but the truth is, i could never fall completely with someone who didn’t feel the same way about love as i do. in my eyes, love is…the only thing that matters. and the only thing worth fighting for.

which is why i let you have your space. and time to think things over. but in that space i realized some important things too.

i think you’re an amazing guy and while i was beginning to fall, it was more like a branch breaking off a tree than tiiiiiiiiiimber…if things had gone differently, i have no doubt i would have gotten there quickly.

which is why i’m glad i saw the red flags now. with more time comes deeper feelings and investment. and that would have made things even more difficult.

i believe that in your last email you were as honest with me as you could be. allow me to be honest with you, you still haven’t healed from your past relationship. you still have hurt and fears and anguish that you haven’t worked through. all those issues are coming up now. i hope you are able to deal with them so you are able to move on with an open heart.

that ‘gray area’ you mentioned…it only exists in your head. the reason it feels so easy is because it is. we’re compatible. you feel familiar, and yet exciting at the same time to me, it’s a wonderful feeling ~ i’m thankful i got to experience it. and yet even though it was all so great, you can’t help looking for something wrong. some reason to grasp onto for why this can’t be right. there’s good stuff here, i believe i could be perfect for you.

regrettably, your emotional disconnection has showed me that the person you are right now isn’t perfect for me. we are so similar and yet more different than i ever imagined.

when standing at the fork in the road we chose different paths. you picked the one that leads to more of the same. it’s a safer journey, in many respects, but typically leads to an all too familiar disappointment. the path i chose leads to freedom from the past & the very real possibility of love in the future. the road of the unknown. to you, it’s intimidating & frightening. to me, it’s a no brainer.

i blamed myself for ‘scaring you away’, but truthfully you can only scare someone away who is already scared.

the best advice i got came in the wise words of my cousin (who is more like the sister i never had & always wanted):

‘I think the fact that he is withdrawing now, and even his initial reluctance to get involved speaks volumes about who he is right now. He doesn’t feel to me to be someone ready for a serious, committed relationship with you. In order to make a long distance relationship work (any relationship), the readiness has to be there on both sides. Without it, true intimacy is elusive and fleeting. Even when a person thinks they are ready, but still has a good deal of unresolved fear, it interferes and rears its ugly head in the worse possible situations and moments. I think he did you a favor by showing you this early. I have learned repeatedly (I pray I am done learning this painful lesson) to heed the red flags. He is offering you one. Even if he contacts you, I would be very careful with this one. I have been on both sides of this dynamic more times than I care to remember, and many times I prolonged the struggle by hoping it was going to magically change and by focusing on the good aspects of the relationship. In the end, none of the good outweighs the potential pain of simply not being on the same page. Had he stayed engaged after expressing where he was at, I think I would feel differently. I don’t like that he didn’t even send a text, wishing you a safe trip home, or sending some small kindness your way. I understand about needing space to sort out his feelings, but I believe that in a healthy dynamic, one does not exclude the other. I would take this much disconnection as a sign.’

we are not on the same page.
you aren’t ready to be in a relationship. and it has little to do with distance.
you’re not available. emotionally.

and it’s been a really tough pill to swallow.

it’s rare for me to click with someone in the way we did.

i’ve never been the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve…or maybe i always was, but i wasn’t brave enough to show it?

i have no regrets about any of this. i had a ton of fun. and as a person, i think you’re fantastic. (this may be trite) but i really do wish you the best.

xx.

~ sd