Posted on by shirindawna

the nail in the coffin.

i’ve had an ongoing debate with my bestie for a couple years. the topic is so silly i’m (almost) embarrassed to confess it: it’s about who would be who if our group of friends were the characters in sex and the city.

our charlotte is obvious.

and miranda hasn’t been too much of a debate.

if you ask me, this bestie is more of a samantha than a carrie…but her husband begs to differ. he marked me as samantha and her as a carrie.

the thing is, that makes no sense to me…i’m a mostly a prude when it comes to dating and i raaaaarely give up the good-good (which isn’t very carrie, but it’s even less samantha!)

…in my head (and just about every other girl, i’m sure – but this is MY blog, i get to be self-indulgent), i’m SO carrie. in SO many ways.

i have always identified with carrie. she’s all about opening your heart and your mind at the same time. she’s witty, she’s sharp, she’s quirky, but still sexy – in a very accessible, believable way (no time for modesty). carrie and my “storylines” have coincided as i have watched (and re-watched) the show. i feel the inevitable pull from older influences, (and society in general) to “settle down,” whatever that means. and yet, for carrie and i, marriage, babies, and “happily ever after” is not the be-all, end-all in life.

yes ~ i’m mouthy, inappropriate, crass, and impulsive, but at the end of the day, i’m an old-fashioned girl, just like ms bradshaw. we’re sentimental and reflective. we believe in the proverbial ‘one,’ we believe in romance, and most of all: we believe in love.

all women are complex, but i relate to carrie a lot in the way that her needs and feelings are often conflicted and result in charged and sometimes difficult relationships with men. she’s had to know when to walk away, and it’s bittersweet. it’s never easy to strike a balance. not just anyone will do…

when searching for a soulmate, one can never be too picky. and so continues the endless search. carrie was looking for love, real love. “ridiculous, consuming, can’t live without each other love.”

and…
so.
am.
i.

but those things are mostly generalizations…so, let’s get to the nitty gritty. (here’s a short recap):

we’re both writers.
we’re both clothing addicts.
we’re quirky.
we’re neurotic.
we’re both left-handed.

when my last boyfriend and i broke up, he left me the lovely post-it that you see in the top of this post. umm…berger much?! my bestie & i had a nice laugh at this when it happened. a good hard, belly laugh. and we agreed then that i get to be carrie.

but it just got better. so, of course, i HAD to share. i recently heard from my first boyfriend (also my first ever smooch), and he asked me out (i really hope he doesn’t read my blog). after my butterflies subsided, i immediately thought of the ‘boy, interrupted’ episode of sex and the city. and about what carrie said ‘seriously. if i had the guy in high school, what have i been doing for the last twenty years?’

i called my bestie and we agreed that the nail was in the coffin:
i.
am.
carrie.

bummer that her husband married a whore. (or maybe not?!) 😉

Posted on by shirindawna

daydream believer.

most days i wake up feeling so overwhelmingly grateful for all the things i have in my life. and some days that makes me feel guilty. i don’t deserve it anymore than anyone else does. i mean sure i think i’m remarkable in my own way (no time for modesty, i’m fairly fabulous), but the good fortune i’ve received in my life is beyond what i could ever dream of. and yet, i still dream.

i always have. i have a serious imagination.

when i was 15 i dreamt about what i’d be like at 30. it’s a funny (hilarious, actually) thought. i believed i had my whole life figured out. but the truth is i never really knew who i’d be…until i was. and the who i am now never even crossed my mind.

my forays into life idealized at 30 always included one or all of the following:

a vintage typewriter
a library of first editions
a cool job
a big closet
a backyard (with a treehouse like i used to have)
his & hers sinks (monogrammed towels are optional ~ who am i kidding? no, they aren’t.)
and of course, kids. the kind that never cry, listen to me always, and are so stinkin’ cute that I can’t get enough of them (or their dad).
and traveling…lots and lots of it.

i dreamt i’d be living in a home that could be found in the pages of home & garden magazine. effortlessly stylish, cozy, and all around lovely. and of course, in my fantasy home, i’d be queen of the kitchen. easily whipping up gourmet meals to feed my litter of children as they ran around playing hide & go seek. and stopping to wrap themselves around my legs like little koala bears.

and to counteract this miss susie homemaker-ness, i would also be the jet-setting travel, fashion, music, and editorial maven that i still dream about. i would get paid to travel, to vacation, to experience. and i would write. and write. and write some more.

this was the daydream of a high school teen.

there was always something absent from the daydream though: a boy. i think i already knew that he could be many things, and everything and nothing at all. and that to dream about him would be a lie. while i navigate this ‘dating’ thing at 30, i sometimes wonder if i may have already met him? maybe he was a big love? or maybe we’ve been on only one date, or maybe even i simply passed him on the street.

or maybe, he is out there… daydreaming about me.

Posted on by shirindawna

i would love a like letter.

anyone who knows me at all knows i’m into writers. i love being won over by words.

this letter was sweet. it made me smile. (editor’s note from the future – the letter was stripped from my blog during the lost years and i have no clue where to find it so we will both have to use our imaginations. apparently, there was something about a peter…)

i thought about writing one similar, except the ‘peter’ i’d be referring to is a little more tawdry. but it deserves a letter. an award. and maybe a trophy.

cheers to ‘peters’ far & wide. and thank heavens the dry spell has ended.

sd was very wet recently. lots of rain. lots of moisture heading into spring.

can’t wait to see what’s in store for my flower.

Posted on by shirindawna

choose happy.

someone once told me: good things don’t come easy. and love leaves hard.

and while i may have once agreed with that statement. (emphatically!) i don’t now.

i have learned that good things pop up when you least expect or anticipate them. and that love doesn’t need to leave hard. sometimes it goes and even though you thought you’d be devastated, you find yourself smiling. bigger than you ever have. or thought was possible.

and through it all, you write.
you write because you need to.
because you love it.
because without it you feel incomplete.
because it’s your disease, your vice, and your obsession.
because it’s what makes you feel right in your skin.
because it’s one of the few times you allow yourself to be completely vulnerable.
because it’s how you connect.
because there is nothing in the world that liberates you in the same way.
and because it makes you happy.

i hope everyone has as happy a heart as i do.

happy hump day.

Posted on by shirindawna · 1 Comment

who’s your daddy?

my head is spinning. i have become enamored with an unlikely mentor. papa hemingway has spent the better part of my morning capturing my heart.

when i was at hemingway’s house i bought a few books. the one i am currently reading is ‘ernest hemingway on writing’…and i’m surprised to find that his thoughts & mine are often the same. i have great respect for old ernest & his crafty ability, but i never anticipated sharing so many similar thoughts with a perpetually drunk misogynist. perhaps i should’ve been born a male?

some gems from old e:

‘writing is something that you can never do as well as it can be done. it is a perpetual challenge and it is more difficult than anything else that i have ever done-so i do it. and it makes me happy when i do it well.’ (i think i said this exact thing last night…and reiterated it this morning)

‘do you suffer when you write? i don’t at all. suffer like a bastard when don’t write, or just before and feel empty and fucked out afterwards. but never feel as good as while writing.’ (it’s like he pulled the thoughts right out of my head)

‘there is no future in anything. i hope you agree. that is why i like it at a war. every day and every night there is a strong possibility that you will get killed and not have to write. i have to write to be happy whether i get paid for it or not. but it is a hell of a disease to be born with. i like to do it. which is even worse. that makes it even worse. that makes it from a disease into a vice. then i want to do it better than anybody has ever done it which makes it into an obsession. an obsession is terrible. hope you haven’t gotten any. that’s the only one I’ve got left.’ (this is the one that cemented my love for my dear ernest. i couldn’t have said it better myself…though i shall try.)